Both still very much in love but she feels too hurt :(

[bored]

Hi,

This is my first post. I've turned to a forum as I don't know what else to do. My friends are tired of listening, and don't really understand the situation i'm in, and my family just laugh at me saying to stop acting like a child and get on with it.

I'm 23 years old and for the past year and a half I have been living with my now ex. We got together in the last year of university and after graduation we wanted to stay together. We were already arguing some because I was jealous, and she had a slightly promiscuous past which I had a hard time dealing with, also she felt it was unfair that I had my education paid for by my mother while she had it harder financially. When we graduated we wanted to stay together so we looked for jobs both in england and brussels (where my mum lives). I got a job in finance and had to start straight away. We had both gone to brussels for the interview, and decided to just stay. I started work while she looked for jobs. We lived at my mum's till we got our own place. We've lived together since june.

4 days ago she broke up with me while we were arguing. The problem on her side is that I am a controlling boyfriend and that we don't do anything but be with eachother. Neither one of us has a life. Also, whenever I got angry for the past 6 months or so, I would get nasty and mean, just to hurt her. Things she had trusted me enough to tell me, and things she hadnt told anyone else, I used against her. I feel so horrible and guilty about it. And I know I did it as a defense mechanism, because I always feel like everyone is out to get me, and I thought same applied to her. So in moments of anger, I'd be horrible.

She has tried breaking up with me several times before, and I with her, because of the situation we were in but each time we would feel weak and because we are so in love we wanted to be together. Whenever she had been hurt and felt horrible, I would still be around because we live together and she would cave and hug me and stuff and then we would be ok until the next one. This time however, we had the fight and I got nasty again like the idiot I am, and I was sure I wanted a break up as well. I regretted it but this time she is certain that this is what she wants. Of course, one doesn't know what they have till they lose it and only now have I really been able to criticise myself and see that my behaviour has been unacceptable. I have tried talking to her telling her that indeed we need to change, live seperately and date like a normal 23 year old couple. But she says she can't take that risk again, and while crying she has said that it hurts so much that the person she is in love with has hurt her so badly. Last night, we were at the apartment and she said she wants me to hurt now, because I deserve it given how much i've hurt her. I left, and in the car I started to cry hysterically because I felt like I had been such a horrible person to someone who really loved me and wanted good things for me. I went back because I do love her, and wanted her to see that I am hurting immensely, wishing that even if crying in front of your girlfriend because they're leaving isn't very smart, she would hurt just a little less knowing how much I hurt. She felt weak and started crying and hugged me, she stroked my head for a while and we talked.

I thought maybe she had changed her mind about breaking up, but she was still decided. I hate the fact that I know that if given the chance I can be so much better. But she's made it clear that it's too late. I know that she loves me and that she's very much in love with me. She's had serious boyfriends in the past but has never been in love. I was her first true love. That I know. She also said that she has broken her heart. while crying hysterically.
She says that when she sees me she just feels pain, and that she doesn't want to hug or kiss or anything so that she doesn't get weak and give in to what she's feeling, which is love for me and loving the cuddling and closeness.

I don't know what to do, because I keep thinking that once this hurt subsides her love will be too strong for her to leave. And I want to be able to make her happy again, because I know I can, I know I've changed. I've seen it from the outside. I don't want her to be left with a broken heart. And I love her so much...

She also says that she wants space and to be single now, instead of always being together. But with her job and finding a new place it will be hard for her money-wise. Also she doesn't speak the local language and doesn't have any friends. I don't know if it's false hope because I know she's in love with me and that she'll have a much tougher life without me, but I keep thinking she'll see how it is without me and in the meanwhile the hurt will subside and she will start thinking about me and the good times and miss them and me, and she will want to be together again.

Since we broke up we have still talked every day. Mostly because we've had to due to the apartment. Maybe if we don't see each other or talk to each other for a week or so she will change her mind? I know that if she simply didn't feel anything anymore she wouldn't but she's as in love as ever, and I know this. It's just that she feels like she can't be happy in the relationship, even now that I've talked about the scenario if we did get back together, that we'd actually have all that freedom as we wouldn't live together.

I don't know what to do, Im scared if I give her space she'll have time to think and realise everythings better, but then again maybe she'll realise everything is worse and she misses me too much. And until now she has found it too hard when I'm around and has caved each time, so maybe I need to be around for her to feel like she wants to be with me? The only difference this time is that she has said she doesn't want to be in that position, because she can't trust herself that she will not give in because she loves me...

Help please, I can't accept this has happened and I don't want to, yet I don't know what to do! I just want us to be together, just in an much improved way...

[steviej]

Her trust in you is gone, she's emotionally scarred. She's been here with you before and got back with you and then history has just repeated itself.
The dilemma as to whether space is needed or to give her lots of attention and gestures is a tough one. I think i'd do small things such as leaving some nice flowers and a letter for her, cook her a meal etc.
Don't hound her with texts and phonecalls, just be calm and let her know you miss her and you're sorry.

[bored]

Do you think it is possible that once the hurt subsides, which I also think is connected to anger since we broke up in a hefty fight, she will miss me and want to be with me? Maybe the idea that we can't make it work will not be strong enough in her mind? Because I have told her that I want to change everything, not live together, get our own lives and be seperate people again that have their own lives but ALSO share one together. She has agreed with all these things that I say and possibilities and prospects if we stay together, but then says ''but i still think we shouldn't be together''...

I can tell she's hurting alot and so am i, and I wish we could be together so that I and circumstances can change and we can both be happy.

[robFord]

You're not going to like this, but you need to give her space. Her mind is made up for now; whether it's the right or wrong decision you need to let her figure it out on her own. You trying to win her back by coddling her, doing all the small things will only make it more difficult because every time you'll be hoping for the magical solution and her to come back to you. If you say you were controlling in the relationship then you need to let her go and be free, show her you can adapt and grow. She seems convinced that you "shouldn't be together", so the only thing you can do is let her discover for herself it it's the right choice.

Help her move out, be the one she can depend on when needed, but don't add more guilt to the breakup. As hard as it is, your actions now determine how she'll think about you down the road. If you're strong and understanding she'll respect and love you more for it, if you're a controlling, needy man she'll only remember how bad it was leaving you and will be scared to come back to you to avoid this happening again.

Only after some time apart can she put thing in perspective about your relationship. She needs to miss you to remember what was great and why she loved you in the first place. Do the right thing, let her go but don't be an asshole about it. It'll hurt like shit forever, but it needs to happen.

I just went through almost the exact same thing and I can empathize. It's not easy, in fact it hurts every day, but when one person in the relationship wants to move on, tightening your grip only pushes them away faster. Good luck.

[Kevin K]

You're not going to like this, but you need to give her space. Her mind is made up for now; whether it's the right or wrong decision you need to let her figure it out on her own. You trying to win her back by coddling her, doing all the small things will only make it more difficult because every time you'll be hoping for the magical solution and her to come back to you. If you say you were controlling in the relationship then you need to let her go and be free, show her you can adapt and grow. She seems convinced that you "shouldn't be together", so the only thing you can do is let her discover for herself it it's the right choice.

Help her move out, be the one she can depend on when needed, but don't add more guilt to the breakup. As hard as it is, your actions now determine how she'll think about you down the road. If you're strong and understanding she'll respect and love you more for it, if you're a controlling, needy man she'll only remember how bad it was leaving you and will be scared to come back to you to avoid this happening again.

Only after some time apart can she put thing in perspective about your relationship. She needs to miss you to remember what was great and why she loved you in the first place. Do the right thing, let her go but don't be an asshole about it. It'll hurt like shit forever, but it needs to happen.

I just went through almost the exact same thing and I can empathize. It's not easy, in fact it hurts every day, but when one person in the relationship wants to move on, tightening your grip only pushes them away faster. Good luck.

I was about to respond but Rob nailed it on the head. Read this over and over again. I quoted it for emphasis.