Need advice on a weird break up

[GivingUp]

I reposted this from another thread which i've deleted cause it got a bit clogged up focusing on something else. (doesn't matter)

Me and my boyfriend of 3 years have always had an on off relationship. It's always me running back to him but the last time we broke up I switched my phone off (he broke up with me, I wanted to get over him) and he came running back to me.
However this time is different, he's switched his phone off but I fear not for the same reasons (because he's broken up with me)
Because of this on off thing we have going on i'm constantly in the lurch each time, sat twiddling my thumbs wondering whether we're going to get back together in a few days or it's for real this time and it has happened quite a few times.
Obviously that's how i'm feeling right now.
A couple of days ago, he was texting me every few minutes, but we were fighting over text. Now it's silence (due to the switched off phone).
He has always been fickle, if he gets angry he says things he doesn't mean which he takes back when he's calm, he can hang onto his anger for weeks (I swear he holds grudges longer than the average woman can) he just seems to say what he feels at that exact moment in time without thinking of consequences, so he either loves or hates me depending on his mood.
My problem I guess is..is it for real this time or is it another game?
I know the obvious solution is move on and decide myself that it's over, but when things are good between us they are really good and of course..i love him to pieces.

[GivingUp]

Please help. I'm lying awake worrying.

[IncognitoSir]

what do want us to tell you? You just asked a question, answered it yourself and gave supporting details. A on/off relationship is NOT a healthy relationship. In this case, like most cases the obvious answer is the one you've given yourself already AND it just so happens it's the best answer for the situation. My guess is, he's trying to move on which is why he's NOT contacting you nor allowing you to contact him. So.........you should move on...

[Mayita]

Let me ask you something simple..

Are you happy in this on/off relationship? Is this what you want in your life?

[Messdupnmisshim]

I'm going through something similar. I've got an on and off relationship. I'm trying to figure out the root of the issue and why it does seem to work for me. Part of me thinks I can't seem to commit to one guy long so I enjoy the space and feeling of freedom when we are off. I also think as mature as we both are, we act like babies and don't handle issues well. Anyway. I hope you are coming to some conclusions yourself- that's what I'm getting at.
What I've learned is it doesn't matter if I wait by the phone, or go out and have fun. Life is going to unfold on it's own, and no matter where u are- even if you're out with the girls- you'll probably still be waiting for something.
The thing that I am starting to wish I didn't do- is text messaging him back. It would have been best to cut off all contact and make him feel the sting of his choice. I am much stronger than I allow myself to be. What's great is- if he broke up with you- it's actually you who now has all the power!! The sooner you realize that- the sooner you can clear your head and ask yourself if this is what you want, and all the other big questions.
Truthfully- I've learned in life- I'd rather get dumped bc at some point the guys all come back and regret what they have done. In most cases I've already moved on- I'm a little hung up on this one and that is a first for me.
I don't know if my ex is going to come back, and I'm not sure how much I want him back. When I blame myself for every problem, I want him back. But when I see the mistakes he has made and the growth that he needs to make- I don't want him back unless he really improves.
Of course I still love him- but I'm tired of this waiting game. Nobody says- go out there and wait for life. You have no control over this situation. I know u are hurting and mentally destroying yourself. I find solace in turning my phone off, leaving it at hm when I'm with my friends, or rock climbing in the boondocks where I can't get any service. That last one really gives me the freedom to not obsess.
I know it can be, in some sick way, fun to wallow or what u feel u need. But try and look at it this way- u have ran back to him and waited for him and blah blah blah. I'm not judging bc I have the same thing going on here.
But you need to worry about YOU! Forget about him right now! You can't control this situation. Give it to God or the Universe or whoever- but don't put it on yourself.
If u guys are going to work out, you won't work out by doing the same thing u have always done! You will only work if u both grow up and figure out what u want from the other. The only way to do that is stop obsessing on him and figure out what makes u happy.
I've had to get obsessed with rock climbing, yoga, cooking, moving to a new town, and karate just so I can wake up in the morning and make it through a day, a week, a month- a freaking minute.
And I'm already mentally and emotionally better for it. My confidence is starting to return. I know I want to be an amazing gf so I can be an amazing wife one day. I also know- the only way to be that is to work on my crap. Be strong. Live my life, love myself, trust that God or whatever u, believe has a plan. If my ex doesn't come back to me as a better man who really wants to move fwd w me in his life- I've already started making myself into the awesome gf/wife material and that amazing man who wants the same will find me.
I'm not even looking. I'm too busy making myself a more interesting and healthy person.

And u know what- I heard my friend and her bf bickering on the phone and having a text war- and I actually sighed in relief because I don't have to answer to ANYONE and I can do whatever I want! Woo whoo!

[Kevin K]

what do want us to tell you? You just asked a question, answered it yourself and gave supporting details. A on/off relationship is NOT a healthy relationship. In this case, like most cases the obvious answer is the one you've given yourself already AND it just so happens it's the best answer for the situation. My guess is, he's trying to move on which is why he's NOT contacting you nor allowing you to contact him. So.........you should move on...

i agree with this post. the constnat breaking up and making up is not healthy. it is emotionally draining and it is having a negative impact on your happiness, health, and well being. you know it and you may try to justify it but a part of you knows that love shouldnt feel like this. yes you love him but it sounds like youve outgrown eachother if you bickering so much or maybe youve discovered core fundamental things that you disagree on that you can no longer tolerate. perhaps these big underlying issues are what are causing all those little fights/arguments and bickerings. just my 2 cents. hope it helps.

[confused&single]

You did answer your own question. A relationship that's so off and on again isn't healthy. You both are creating the emotional highs. When it's really good, is it right after you get back together? Then it probably quickly falls part. It isn't healthy. A relationship should be pretty consistent with of course lows and highs but they shouldn't be extremes. Don't you want someone there that you know you can depend on and will be there to support you when you are at your lowest? Let it go, move on...this is a good thing even if you don't realize it yet.