My ex wants me back, but I said no...right decision? (long)

[michelle21689]

The Break Up
My ex and I dated for 5 1/2 years but 2 1/2 years long distance. One of those years of us dealing with Army life so we've been through a lot and stuck together. On January 23rd, he was crying really hard on Skype telling me that his feelings have changed. He felt like he didn't care about the relationship anymore and wish he could find a way to bring it back. He said if he found the reason he could fix it. I noticed him being distant for a month but I thought it was just a phase. I felt the worst pain ever and told him that I had to go "No Contact" for a while to heal and would contact him when I'm ready. He disagreed but respected my decision.

After the Break Up
During "NC" I worked on myself. I got a new haircut, new clothes, kept busy every weekend, met someone that was adventurous and a great guy and he motivated me to do new things like snow board, ski, and we're going sky diving! I'm traveling to Asia this summer with my parents. I've grown so much and found happiness. I liked the new guy I was seeing but honestly missed my ex and loved him I wanted to be friends still. I felt feelings growing for this new guy and thinking of him...not my ex.

Moving On?
I felt like I moved on. Right when I felt like I was growing closer to this guy my ex seemed to sense it and called me asking if we could talk after not hearing from each other for 9 weeks. I could tell he tried to keep his composure on the phone as we caught up. Then he told me that he regretted his decision and he never regrets things and that it was the biggest mistake. He said that not talking for two months hurt him and when he tried moving on to other girls he felt like he was cheating on me. He said we were compatible and right for each other complementing. He started crying because I was seeing someone new. He said he wished he never broke up with me and would have worked things out...he thinks the Army and stress got to him but he's unsure of the reason he broke up with me. He said he will find out because he doesn't want to break up again...he asked for me back and I said "Not right now...timing is wrong". He said he'll be here for me and he understands that I feel the need to grow.

Taking him Back?
I thought about it...I do love my ex and a part of me wants to go back to him BUT I feel like it'd be the wrong decision. I feel like I have more growing to do and that I should stay with my current guy I'm "seeing" to see where it goes because I've been happy. I don't want to take a step backwards to a relationship that is the same/worse...I want it to be better. And in order to do that my ex must improve his life as well...financially he's a mess and will be deploying next year so that'd be another 2 years long distance =(.

I'm just hoping I'm making the wrong decision...what do you guys think? I like the guy I'm seeing and I know it's unfair to compare our 'connection' to my ex's and I. Who knows, maybe he could be the one for me...we've only been 'hanging out'' for a month.

Also, if me and my ex were meant to be together that opportunity would happen again right?

So confused.

[Bonfire]

Also, if me and my ex were meant to be together that opportunity would happen again right?

You said you like this new guy you are seeing, he makes you happy. Your ex broke up with you, it's his fault for not seeing how wonderful you are, now he has to pay the price. You should give this new guy a chance, since you are already seeing him. Let's see where it goes, if in fact you fall in love with him and don't even think about your ex, then you have clearly made the right choice. Do you really want to go through another 2 yrs of LDR? And like you said, if your ex and you are meant to be, then you guys will end up back together sometimes in the future. By the way, you handle the break up very nicely. You set a good example for many to follow. You enforced no contact. You got up, treated yourself to new clothes, new hairstyle, and kept busy, and most importantly, you move on and met another guy who appreciated you. That's the way to do it. I'm proud of you. Your ex has to get his act together if he ever wants you back. And again you are doing the right thing by giving yourself a chance to find love with this new guy.

[michelle21689]

In my heart I know the answer but I can't help but keep posting on every single forum for advice when I'm told the same thing over and over. What's wrong with me? It helps a lot with what you said but then after a day or two I want to hear that same thing from someone else. Thank you so much for your thoughts. My ex was sad and said what you said...he is paying the price and took me for granted. I guess if he does date and fall in love...if I fall in love there is still a chance we could end up together some how if it were to be that way. I know we'll always keep in touch since we've known eachother since we were 12 (I'm 22 now).

I like this guy. It'll be so unfair for me to leave him, in fact his last gfs left him for their exes. Thank you again.

P.S. Thanks for applauding me on handling the break up. Believe me it wasn't an easy thing to do. I was doing good in life but I have to admit that meeting this guy helped 10x more. I did not want to dwell on pain at all.

[pisces25]

Honestly speaking after so long in a relationship I wouldn't hurry on to another person so soon. I know everyone is different but it takes a lot of time for me to get someone out of my system. If you are still having doubts about your decision to not reconcile with your ex then maybe you actually aren't ready for someone else at this point. It is ok to tell your ex you need time and that time needs to be for you. Having someone else involved is only complicating the situation. As time goes on you will know how you truly feel about your ex and if/when you are 100% sure you are not going back there then you will be in a better state of mind to welcome someone else into your life.
I am in a similar situation so I can relate.
Good luck.

[hello1]

Best way to move on is to cut all contact from your ex. Yes maybe in the future you two can be just friends but at the moment, you two sound like you are pining after each other and it is NOT FAIR on the other people who are invovled with you two.

[VincenzoG91]

Don't go back to the ex. You two got together when you were both young, and it's quite natural for you to grow apart during your 20s, because you will both be going through a lot of changes.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

This uncertainty/insecurity is the exact reason you should stay NC with your ex. You won't need to keep hearing these things from us if you stop responding to his contact. You may feel guilty for ignoring him, but as others have said, this was his decision not yours.

[smackie9]

You have to open your eyes a little wider and take notice on how much this break up has benefitted you. Life is too short to be stuck, and going nowhere with your life......that's why this break up happened....your relationship had become stagnant....he was holding you down hun. Relationships will come and go in your life. This is very healthy because it gives your experience to help you grow as a person. This is very neccessary in order to know what you want in a husband when you decide to get married. The more experience you have, the more sucessful your marriage will be.

[michelle21689]

Is it unhealthy to hope one day we'd be together again when we're both settled from our changing lives? He has so much going with the Army...

[smackie9]

By that time you will have moved on and wouldn't give him a second thought.