I think he likes me too much too fast - How do I say something?

[IndigoGal]

A little background on me: I am recently divorced and just starting to date again. No kids. I've been out with a few different guys, and told them all upfront (it's even in my online profile) that I'm really not interested in commitments or serious relationships, I just want to go out, have fun, have a person to snuggle with, and . . . well . . . get laid (that last part isn't in my profile). Basically I want a couple of friends with benefits. I always thought it would be super easy to find guys who were ok with that . . . but it's proving a little harder than I thought.

So I have been on two dates with this guy who I met online. He is really nice to me, and paid me a lot of complements on my looks, which I am not used to. I'm a fairly attractive woman who puts effort into looking good, and yeah my self esteem is a little low, but I still think it's reasonably healthy, yet it was making me uncomfortable. Our first date went really well (after talking online for a couple of weeks), and we hooked up. I started feeling uncomfortable when he was stroking my face and gazing into my eyes, but I figured he said I was pretty, so maybe he was just looking?

Later he told me he thought I was out of his league. I think part of it may be that he says he recently lost a lot of weight, and probably still has self image issues because of it. On our second date he probably told me 4-5 times that he liked me. I wasn't sure what to say after the first two . . . I was getting the feeling his version of like is a lot stronger than mine. He's also starting to ask a lot more deep personal questions, which is heading more towards that relationship place, where I don't want to be.

I enjoy spending time with this guy. We have great conversations and lots of fun, but it freaks me out a little how much he seems to like me. Of course, I could also be totally overestimating things and maybe he's just expressive? That's what ties me up the most about talking to him about it. How do you tell a guy you think he likes you too much, when you could be totally wrong about it anyway? And how do you tell a guy it's making you uncomfortable?

What do you guys think? Are these red flags? I know I have an issue around intimacy right now, but I did put it out there that I'm not looking for that. Should I talk to this guy about it? What the heck should I say? I certainly don't want to continue seeing him if he's getting emotionally attached, since I'm not, and honestly unless he backs off a little on the intimacy, I'm not going to be having much fun. Wisdom? Advice?

[pisces25]

Should I talk to this guy about it? What the heck should I say? I certainly don't want to continue seeing him if he's getting emotionally attached, since I'm not, and honestly unless he backs off a little on the intimacy, I'm not going to be having much fun. Wisdom? Advice?
I think you hit the nail on the head right there. Talk to him. Reiterate to him you are only recently divorced and not looking for a relationship. Ask him what he expects from you and your encounters. If he says he likes you and was hoping it could turn into something more tell him why it can't. If he is happy to keep it casual tell him you are getting vibes that he is getting attached and it is making you question his true intentions. If he does really like you he may be hoping the whole 'no relationship' thing you have in place won't apply to him, again you need to say you are not after a relationship. I think you need to set clear boundaries and let him know quite directly what you are after. He can then decide if that is what he wants too.

[Yet another guy]

told them all upfront (it's even in my online profile) that I'm really not interested in commitments or serious relationships, I just want to go out, have fun, have a person to snuggle with, and . . . well . . . get laid (that last part isn't in my profile)

Profile? Are you using a dating site? I thought that people there are generally looking for a serious relationship. The opposite of what you are after.

Basically I want a couple of friends with benefits. I always thought it would be super easy to find guys who were ok with that . . . but it's proving a little harder than I thought.

Sure it's easy to find guys that want sex. We all do. But we guys have this connection between sex and feelings so it's not as easy for us to separate them. Therefore it may not be easy to find one that can keep doing it without developing something deeper.

If you feel that he is getting too affectionate, you just have to talk with him. Remind him that you don't want a relationship and tell him that you are uncomfortable with intimacy and see if he's ok with just sex.

[IndigoGal]

Thanks for your response Yet Another Guy.

This particular dating site isn't just for people looking for long-lasting relationships. You can list what you're looking for "long term relationships, short term relationships, casual sex, activity partners" etc. I only listed short term relationships, and put in my profile that I was just starting to date again after a long relationship so I'm not looking for commitments or serious relationships, so I don't think the dating site issue is a big one.

I totally understand that people of both sexes can have trouble separating emotions and sex. It's never been difficult for me to separate them, but not everyone is wired that way. I also don't want *just* sex, that's a f*** buddy. I want friends with benefits. I want to be able to go out and do stuff together, hang out and watch movies, and have sex, but with no strings. It didn't seem to be as hard to find that back before I started dating my ex-husband.

I'm still not sure how to bring it up or what to say. How does one naturally bring this up in conversation, or should I start out with a "Hey, there's something I want to bring up." I can see how just reminding him that I don't want a serious relationship and that intimacy makes me uncomfortable would be a good route to go, since it puts the focus on me and what I want rather than trying to guess at what he's feeling. I'm just still not sure how to dive in. You know?

Thanks again for the response. Any further advice?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Do this guy a favor and cut him off. To continue to see him in any capacity is going to make his feelings grow, and you would be guilty of leading him on. You know you want nothing serious, and you know that he does. End it. You won't get what you want out of this anyway; you'll just get a clingy insecure guy thats going to cry and/or yell when he finds out you're seeing other people.

[IndigoGal]

Pisces - Sorry, I somehow didn't see your post at first. I had a feeling a conversation something like you suggested might be in store, but I'm really not sure how to break into it. I guess I'll just look for my opening? Any turns of phrase I really should avoid, from the male perspective?

It's stuff like this that is why I didn't want serious relationships. After the way things went at the end of my marriage, I could do without a "state of the relationship" talk for quite some time. I was a little worried too, that even if I do talk to him about it, he'll be sitting back thinking that I'm one of those women who says I don't want a serious relationship, when really all I need is a little "convincing." Is it so hard to believe that I know what I want?

BackUp - Part of me thinks you might be right. Given how much I don't even want to have this conversation with him, I suspect even if I do talk to him, and it goes well, there will be more of these conversations in store. I hate the idea of cutting him off since I really enjoy spending time with him, but I certainly don't want to be leading him on. You really think I should just cut it off without even having a conversation about whether it can stay casual? Is that because you suspect he will say he wants to keep it casual even if he secretly wants more?

[DoesntMatter]

I was a little worried too, that even if I do talk to him about it, he'll be sitting back thinking that I'm one of those women who says I don't want a serious relationship, when really all I need is a little "convincing." Is it so hard to believe that I know what I want?

Most guys realize that a lot of girls just want some cock. And there is nothing to be ashamed of in that

[IndigoGal]

Just thought you all might be interested in what I ended up doing and I'm curious for a male perspective on his response. He brought up finding me intimidating, which he has mentioned before, and is one of those things that makes me feel he's putting me up on a pedestal and getting to emotionally involved. I told him that kind of talk makes me nervous, that he seems to like me, and I don't want him to forget that I'm not looking for a serious relationship, I don't want to be anyone's girlfriend, I had enough of feeling possessed and controlled with my ex, and the thought of even having relationshippy talks is scary and a major turn-off for me. I told him I just wanted to keep it light and easy. He said that's what he wants too. That he doesn't want any emotional entanglements and is enjoying the single life too. But then he said something about if anything like that ever comes up it will be a long, long time away.

Is that just leaving the door open for possibilities down the line or is that a sign that he thinks he can just wait long enough and I'll want to settle down with him? I didn't really respond when he said that. Honestly, my mind was racing and I was just glad I'd gotten out what I wanted to say, and relieved that he seemed to be on the same page as me. What do you think guys? Am I just freaking out over nothing much or what?

[Yet another guy]

I told him I just wanted to keep it light and easy. He said that's what he wants too. That he doesn't want any emotional entanglements and is enjoying the single life too. But then he said something about if anything like that ever comes up it will be a long, long time away.

That's pretty much what I would have expected him to say. He seems to understand that serious relationship isn't an option and settles for a casual one. Or maybe that's what he really wants like he says. Either way, you seem to be all set.

[IndigoGal]

Thanks for the input! It's a relief to know it seems legit to another guy. Thanks for all the advice.