Did I overreact?

[Sousou]

Hi,

I was in a relationship for just over 7 years - and things have been rocky for the past 3 yrs. Due to quite a few reasons - I grew up, finished my degrees, got onto and up the career ladder, and he hadn't.

He is 5 yrs older than me - does not have a career, or a job. Is unmotivated, spoilt (his family is rich), irresponsible, does not have ambitions and has been smoking weed every day non-stop since he was 18.

All those reasons in mind - I knew deep down that we were growing apart, partly because I had matured (we first starting dating when we were still at university), and I was determined to make something out of my life. He was still stuck at where he was 7 years ago: no degree, no job and a very bad weed habit.

He was my first true love - and we always tried to make things work. Eventually, he relocated for me last year as we had plans to get married but a year later things haven't gone to plan (hence I am writing this here now!).

Now the main problem: We have a mutual female friend whom for years I thought of as a sister, we used to be so close and I never had a problem with her. Back in the days while I was at university, we all used to hang out, and toke weed together. Since I have graduated and got myself a job - I have been very anti-intoxicants and so have tried to get my bf to quit and focus instead on getting his life together and finding a job (he had a job before but lost it after 6 months because he used to go to work high/toke during his lunch break).

As I no longer join my bf and our mutual female friend when they go to score - I am usually at work and refuse to tag along to something I do not want to be a part of - they have been hanging out alot more than I would like them to.

He would drive her around so she can do her shopping, run her errands for her, pick her up and take her to go hang out with his friends, call eachother nearly everyday, she would discuss her problems she is having with her bf (she is now single, her bf cheated on her), and he tells his problems to her that he is having with me, and more importantly plan and go with each other to score.

I have now cut off with this female friend because: 1) she would blatantly lie to my face when I ask her if she was just on the phone to my bf, 2) say to my face that she will not ask my bf to go and score with him because she "knows how much I want him to quit and get his **** together" - but then next day they are together scoring, 3) she took him lingerie shopping for HER bf and asked my bf for his advice (WTF?!)

I may be over reacting but I feel that she is blatantly disrespecting me and lying to me for her own selfish needs (to score weed with my bf who has a car), uses my bf as a substitute for her bf (run errands for her, etc) and more importantly, her lying to my face.

Even though she has assured me a hundred times she does not view my bf in a sexual way - her actions (lying to me/disrespecting me) make me doubt her intentions.

As for my bf - last week I found a picture of her on his phone. It's quite insignificant but it was the caller ID picture. I know - I probably am over reacting with this one but it was a picture of our female friend that was taken without her paying attention. My bf admitted that he took the picture so he can put it to her contact on his phone.

I naturally saw this and freaked out. It was not enough that his 'friendship' with her was bothering me because I felt disrespected by her, that he gave his number to my other friend the other week so they can 'hang out' (!!!), and to top it off he has our mutual friend's picture on his phone! Yes, all my resentment just pretty much came out at that point.

He knew I was pissed - I kept brushing off his calls all week until I properly spoke to him a week after my outburst and I told him that I felt disrespected because he is continuing to hang out with this mutual friend despite how I feel (I also have a suspicion that he has feelings for her - recently he's been criticizing me alot). And that I will not tolerate his or her disrespect.

I told him that he will not have his cake and eat it: if he wants to continue hanging out with the girl that is disrespectful of me - never contact me again. I have no intention of contacting him either.

It's been 2 weeks and he hasn't contacted me. I know that is his answer - he has chosen to keep the mutual friend in his life over me, but the question is, did I over react?

Bearing in mind this 'mutual friend' stress has been going on for the past 6 months now...

Help (heartbroken, but trying to get over it)!

[DarkHelmet82]

well i think you overreacted unless you have some evidence he is being unfaithful... you cant get jealous if he is friends with females... thast not fair.. although the guy sounds like a loser anyway..

[Sousou]

I have no problem with him having female friends - I have a problem with female friends that disrespect me. Do you not see what he is doing as disrespectful of my feelings?

[DarkHelmet82]

I do.. and like I said he is being a jerk and isnt worth the ground you walk on.. You need to find someone who will respect you and treat you right...

[Cerby]

I read the whole thing, but when you said he was 5 years older than you, spends his life smoking weed, and doesn't care enough about his job to get fired for getting high at work, I saw all I needed to see.

Honestly, forget him and the mutual friend, you're on your way to a real life, and there at many guys out there who also have careers and are looking for a good woman with similar ambitions. Why waste your time on an unemployed loser who has no ambitions and no life. . .I bet he still lives in his parents basement!

[DarkHelmet82]

and eats hot pockets

[robFord]

Why do you want to be in a relationship with an older guy that YOU have to carry? Sure he's your first love, but being in a serious relationship with someone is a 2 person job, your a team trying to achieve something together. He needs to get off his ass and do something for himself. But since you said he was rich, chances of that happening are slim to none. I'm sure you will find someone so much better than this guy. You're better off.

[Sousou]

Lol - thanks guys, erm, yeah he does live in a house his mum is paying for and I guess he would be eating 'hot pockets' if we had them here in the UK :oD

DarkHelmet, Cerby and RobFord - you guys are all saying exactly what my friends have been saying to me for the past 4 years and you are all absolutely correct, but I always had faith that he would change (I am guilty of trying to get him to realize his full potential: help him find a job, sort out his CV, etc). And yes, I do carry him, and consequently, I am constantly having to wear the trousers too. That said, I have no intention of contacting him ever again.

But I hate to admit this: my ego is SO bruised right now!

[salena]

It's scary to say but I am in the exact same shoes as you. My boyfriend is 6 years older than me and he doesn't do anything with his life! I'm in college making good grades trying to make a future for myself and he sits at home and plays video games all day b/c his dad pays for everything and anything he needs.

You can honestly do better than him! you are not overreacting, why would the 2 of them be hanging out if he isn't cheating? You don't need someone in your life whose gonna drag you down with them. You deserve better and once you realize that, you will find someone that is hardworking and dedicated just like you are!

[DarkHelmet82]

heres the thing... you seem like a good person and want to help him.. but relationships where it is one sided (like yours) or when there is a "wounded party" someone with severe issues, never work.

Find someone better and dont look back..

Salena why are you still with this guy?

[Sousou]

Thank you DarkHelmet and thank you Salena - and here's my two cents for you too, DarkHelmet is right: one sided relationships never work. Hello, my name is 'living proof' :o)

Girl, get out while you can. I was in your shoes too, I was a straight A student at uni, and went on to do my Masters after I finished uni too - and all the while he was sitting on his ass getting high and his dad was paying for everything he wanted too. The one thing that made me as miserable as hell was the thought of getting married to him and having kids - how would my kids look up to their dad when he was a bum (and on state benefits too - which he spends on weed over food, seriously)? And what will they say when they see me/you working my/your a** off and presumably also being the breadwinner? That is not the role model I/you would like my/your kids to have. And so, once you finish uni and ur bf is still where he was when you started uni - that will rip you guys apart because you will want more than he is willing to give. Just like it did with me. He will never make you feel safe or secure.

And the cherry on top? My bf ended up choosing to hang out with a girl like him (unemployed, no career, druggie, disrespectful), over me!

Save yourself the heartache, the inevitable constant fighting and then the trying to fix him - it really doesn't work (as DarkHelmet rightly said). It's hard being alone - but you NEED to leave him because he WILL bring YOU down.

Trust me: been there, done that and have the broken heart (and bruised ego) to show for it!

[girl68]

If you're asking if you over reacted over a picture HELL YES. You flippin' freaked right out. You say yourself you let it bottle up and dumped you shit on him all at once, yep that's a big over reaction. You're lacking quite a lot of communication. You blew something so miniscule up that is obvious you never communicated your issues until you blew up. Next time when something bugs you, you talk about it don't let it fester.

Now were you justified in being pissed off with the chick, yeah- but you should have been pissed of at HIM not her. She's done only what he's allowed her to do.

[bloodtippedrose]

If you're asking if you over reacted over a picture HELL YES. You flippin' freaked right out. You say yourself you let it bottle up and dumped you shit on him all at once, yep that's a big over reaction. You're lacking quite a lot of communication. You blew something so miniscule up that is obvious you never communicated your issues until you blew up. Next time when something bugs you, you talk about it don't let it fester.

Now were you justified in being pissed off with the chick, yeah- but you should have been pissed of at HIM not her. She's done only what he's allowed her to do.

I need little trophies to hand out for the best answer of the day

[DarkHelmet82]

If you're asking if you over reacted over a picture HELL YES. You flippin' freaked right out. You say yourself you let it bottle up and dumped you shit on him all at once, yep that's a big over reaction. You're lacking quite a lot of communication. You blew something so miniscule up that is obvious you never communicated your issues until you blew up. Next time when something bugs you, you talk about it don't let it fester.

Now were you justified in being pissed off with the chick, yeah- but you should have been pissed of at HIM not her. She's done only what he's allowed her to do.

I agree with you.. BUT it doesnt make this dude any less of a loser... with a capital LOSER.. lol

[girl68]

^ Amen. Love isn't enough. You can love lotsa losers, but that doesn't mean you should stay!