Why is it so difficult?

[ThomYorke]

I'm extremely confused.
For the past 3 years or so, I'm on a course to find a girlfriend. 3 YEARS.
Am I doing something wrong? obviously yes. Does my actions justify this poor fact? hell no.

First of all, I got what it takes to give a "fight" to other guys. By all means. I'm 23, a good looking guy, tall, intelligent, funny, right amounts of self-confidence, assertive when needed, head on my shoulders, loving, caring and so on. And, by all means - I can and know how to talk to women. Maybe I'm not the best fruit on the tree when it comes to flirting and all, but I sure am ok at that.

If that's the case, why can't I find someone for so long? so to speak, it's not that I can't find a girlfriend, but I can't even get a DATE. That's right.. for 3 years, I've been on a 1 single date, that didn't go anywhere. That's it. By the way, that date was pretty nice as far as I'm concerned.. she said it wasn't "it". What's IT exactly? YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW 1% OF WHO I AM, HOW CAN YOU JUDGE SO FAST?. Jeez!

I could point two things that might be the cause for this current situation:
1. Perhaps, I'm doing something really wrong when it comes to the actual courting. That means, I'm not giving the woman the right "justification" to be excited about meeting me.
2. Perhaps, I can't create enough sexual tension. Can't remember the last time a girl was chasing me, or getting really excited to meet me or anything like that. Which in the end, leads to nowhere.
Oh, In a matter of fact, there was someone about a week ago (one of the reasons for me to opening this thread, lol). I met her online through local forum, and she was really into me (being really objective here), we talked on the phone several times, and we were suppose to date on the last weekend. Guess what? We didn't date eventually, and I didn't hear from her for a week now. Suddenly I wasn't that interesting anymore, enough for her to forget my existence. What on earth is going on?

Now, I'm going back to the first words of the topic: I'm extremely confused.
Why? because that makes no sense.
It's not like I'm hitting on top models or super-picky girls that on first glance won't even squint into my direction. Honestly I don't.

Why is it so hard, that's something I could never understand.
Ok, so a woman won't go out with anyone because obviously there's gotta be some kind of filtration, and there are alot of jerks out there, so being picky is some kind of a safeguard.
Does that mean that after being so picky you will find the right man? NO!.
A friend of mine is a very desirable man. Very good looking, very assertive and vivid, a true Alpha male when it comes to women. He could get almost anyone whenever he wants, and women fall for him like flies. But guess what? He cheat. ALOT.
He had wonderful girlfriends for the past 8 years (two of them for 2 years.. he cheated alot on both of them). Just yesterday he got into a new relationship.. the poor girl.
So, you picky picky woman - You found your man.. but just for your information - he's cheating on you! So I guess your choice wasn't so great after all eh?
And lets not mention the divorce percentage of how much? 50%? which just further justify my point - Most women don't find their "right guy". It's just the illusion of being in control, that they might find prince charming if they really put themselves into it, while they are missing the actual point - Find someone that will suit YOU, not the SOCIETY.

It just can't be that you gotta be some kind of a specialist to achieve something so humanitarian as being with a women. That's just like breathing, eating and drinking. That's something each and everyone on earth should have.

So why am I alone?

[trueblue72]

dating is mostly down to two things, confidence and luck. sometimes you meet one after the other, but like everyone else, i've had lean spells that lasted forever. The main thing is to not try too hard, don't place big importance on it and relax. most of them are jerking you around anyway, and when you get committed you wished you'd stayed single anyway! I'm a good looking guy, and have been told due to that and my 6"3" height women are put off because they like me so won't approach me. In my entire life i guess I've had maybe 3 women make the first move on me. My uglier, shorter, fatter friends have more luck than i do. The female mind is a confusing place, and often the better looking and nicer you are to them the more they reject you, not because of you or anything you do, but because they are afraid of falling all in love and subsequently getting hurt. It's a minefield out there, so don't worry, one will definitely turn up, when you least expect it. It's a cliche but it's true in my experience. stop looking and she falls in your lap out of nowhere, when the time is right

[ThomYorke]

Hey trueblue,
Thanks for the reply, first of all.

The thing is, I don't even get into the point where I'm dating!
In the way, while interacting with the woman, it falls between the chairs, and in 90% of the times I don't even know what went wrong.
This woman mentioned, that I met over the net, was REALLY excited to meet me. Before the weekend, we talked several times, and the conversations went the same as before. I did nothing that could change her mind about me.
So what happened? Where did you go? Why changing your mind all of a sudden?

[ElizabethLane]

Hi ThomYorke,

If you don't mind me saying you have to just let it go, what I mean by that is opening up and allowing the universe to guide the right person to you, whenever, wherever that might be.

You said ....For the past 3 years or so, I'm on a course to find a girlfriend. 3 YEARS.

You have to stop looking, fate desiny will guide her to you! You must have faith that for whatever reason the universe is saying she is notready for me to be in HER life right now.

We all want our soul mates now, but it could happen tomorrow at 10am you meet her thru chance or at the grocery store.

This is out of your control, we as people can control how we look, how we act, but if your looking for quality and the right girl that happens when we are not looking.

But you really should not be so hard on yourself, you are doing the best you can, she will come into your life exactly when you stop looking.

[MrE]

You have to really put yourself out there. Are you sure you come across as confident? Do you spiral into needy? (ie: buy them drinks, do everything they ask of you, etc?) You have to take lessons from your friend and find the more alpha side of you. If you come across as too fun-loving then you go right to Friend Camp. Deep down, most girls desire the more alpha type where they can feel protected (even if they don't admit this). You have to come across as somebody who isn't needy, but can offer protection and security.

Do you try to move too fast? You have to play your own game a little bit. Don't look needy, don't immediately flirt with the girl you're after, approach the group as a friend of the whole group and subtly move towards the girl you like. Don't come across as overly-flirtatious, you have to be different than other guys. Attractive girls are hit on a LOT, so you aren't being any different by doing the same. Come across as genuinely interested in their life story, pay attention to others in the group, etc.

Don't believe in the 'stars will align and you'll find your destiny' horseshit, put yourself out there! Don't be afraid to approach groups with the women in them, but do it subtly. Be social with everybody in the room, move around, talk to everybody - most girls love a guy that can work a room. Approach as many groups as possible, if you are outright rejected then just move on.

You might have a personality quirk that is turning people off, and it's impossible to say what that might be without knowing you. Really look at yourself, look for indicators of disinterest when you are talking to women and when you see the indicators, try to figure out what it is they don't like. You might be coming across as pushy, needy, arrogant, who knows. Lots of times people don't realize how they come across to others.

[ThomYorke]

Hey MrE,

Great read.
The thing is, exactly what you wrote is what I can't seem to understand.
Do most guys "put themselves out there"? Definitely not. There are numerous guys who aren't playing the game very well, aren't very bold or being in the spot light, could be even very shy/introvert, and yet - they have girlfriends. Why? I could give one simple explanation - because they managed to do what I couldn't. Be themselves, and yet succeeding to find someone to love them.

The put yourself out there approach, the alpha male approach, all those so called methods that you act differently than you want/used to in order to find a woman - I hate that.
I like being direct, while not being too obvious that I'm hitting on this woman.
About 4 years ago, I worked with two girls at two different periods. They weren't really my type, but we were friends. Sometimes I gave them attention, and at days whereas I was down and wanted quiet, I kind of ignored them, and that drove them crazy. How do I know? I dated both of them eventually, and they told me that. That I was mysterious, and they couldn't understand me, and that made me much more interesting.
Now, those kind of things are much more easier when you are at some kind of framework, where you get a real chance to show the real you. When I get the chance to show the real me, it's a different world. ATM I'm not working.. I'm studying at the Open Uni. and that's very hard to meet someone there, since everyone always on a rush - come to class and go home right away, there's no social activity there.
Another example, there was this girl (also, about 2 years ago) that I met also at work, and we weren't friends because I was her superior and she kinda hated that. Anyhow, in some point she added me to her facebook, can't remember what for. One thing led to another, and we became really good friends. She told me that it takes time to know me.. that someone new who just meets me don't really know how to "eat" me. Nowadays, after she knows me well, she really feel for me for not finding anyone, because she says I'm a really great guy, much more than alot out there.

As you mentioned, it could be that I'm that kind of guy that people needs to know in order to really connect.. But honestly, I don't know what it is that I'm doing that different from other people that put me into that category.
HOWEVER, it still doesn't justify the fact I can't find anyone for so long! If a guy is so great when you get to know him, he couldn't be that bad when you first meet him! :-(

p.s
English isn't my primary language, so I'm sorry if the syntax is off at some places

[MrE]

Thom,

Yeah, shy guys and introverts find girls too, but the outgoing socialites typically have a much easier time. There must be something you're doing that is putting them off. It's impossible to say what it is without knowing you. Of course you don't have to be somebody who you aren't, but most girls expect you to approach them, and not the other way around. Are you approaching enough of them? It can take a lot of approaches before you find a click. Don't sit back and wait to be approached - some guys can do that, but some guys can't and you are one of the ones that can't, so you have to be more proactive.

I'm not sure what your issue is, but from knowing other people that have problems, I find that neediness is the biggest issue. Girls hate that, and at best you end in the friend zone. Don't tell them about your sad story of not having a girlfriend for 3 years, don't try and make them feel sorry for you. They aren't therapists. Don't be afraid to tell them 'No' if they ask you to buy them a drink, they are doing a congruence test. Hold your ground, but be polite, fun and confident. I'm not sure if neediness is your issue or not, but if it is - STOP!

[devonbrown]

Simple thoughts on this topic - relax a little. Don't overthink things. If you just relax, stay confident, and be yourself, things will happen for the best. Stop looking for a girlfriend. Concentrate on things that you like. Meet people (including women) who like the same things that you do. Broaden your circle of friends and acquaintances, but do so without thinking about people as potential dating partners. Just relax and let things happen as they may.

Good luck.

[doppelgaenger]

Cut out that self-vindicated attitude bullshit.

[xinn1314]

agree with doppelgaenger.