When you being to realize you might not know your spouse

[Kindreason]

We met almost two years ago, and got close pretty fast. We had great intellectual talks and a connection
I couldn't explain in words. To make a long story short we are now expecting our first child (coming soon),
and things have been very very rocky. I started discovering things I am not sure how to cope with. Infedility is among
them, but it seems like there is more to it than stupidity. From videos I found and the fact I learned that he constantly
seeks something on the side - almost always virtual and not physical, it seems that there are dark desires in his heart
that I couldn't possibly could or ever WANT to satisfy. I am beginning to feel appalled by him. I knew he had baggage,
but for the longest time I saw a good man in him, a kind heart and a lot of vulnerability. but I'm starting to think that
that perhaps I wasn't precieving right. I am seeing something dark and creepy about him, and I truly don't know how
to handle it. Lots of questions come to mind - am I exggarating? am I judgmental?...or am I right?
What do you when you begin to doubt what you know about someone, about their very core, the fundemental things
that make them who they are? How do you really ever know the person you're with? When is baggage too much baggage?
I should add that I know his parents and his father is aware of some of the things that are going on, and he has been
trying to encourage him to go to therapy but two things stand in the way of that - for one his parents live in a different
state and phone conversations are simply not as influential as face-to-face, and second he is after all a grown man and
one cannot be forced to make changes, an adult must want to change.
I'm not sure anyone can give me advice especially since what I'm saying is not very detailed, but perhaps
someone can provide some insight, at this point any both logical and compassionate point of view would be welcome.

I apologize for any spelling/grammar mistakes, I got no sleep last night and I'm exhausted...
Thanks for reading!

[devonbrown]

Having him seek help, if these are issues that deserve therapy, is a good thing. His parents are suggesting it to him is one thing. Have you suggested it to him? And, have you talked to him about this stuff?
If it ever gets to be too much for you, you will know and you should go. Especially for the well being of you and your child. But for now, you are married and should talk honestly and openly with him. Share how you feel and see what he says. Maybe it will give you better insight into why he likes certain things and why you don't like certain things. For now, you two are together, so deal with it together.

Good luck.

[Sonrisa]

what issues are we talking about? what might seem an issue to you (especially now that you are pregnant), may be completely normal and human for the rest of us.
how long have you been together? what are your ages?

[Kindreason]

Thank you for your reply devon.
I have suggested to him in the far past and also recently. I am a very straight forward person but I did utilize all sensitivity when suggesting it and added
that I've spoken to a counselor when I needed guidance from an impartial person. I made it very clear there is nothing wrong in my eyes with going to
therapy, quite the contrary, it's a logical and sensible thing to do when facing difficulties.
He has tried going a couple of times in the past but always came up with excuses why not to continue going (the therapist didn't understand
me {after one-two sessions}, they were stupid, they were biased, it's hard for me to trust anyone etc)
I have brought up things before but today was actually the first time I was able to put it so directly and clearly to myself and so it was also the
first time I was able to fully communicate it to him. We haven't had the ability to sit down and discuss it but we intend on doing so. I don't know if
it will lead anywhere positive because we have had conversation over intense topics before and they usually end up with him getting too angry to be
able to continue sitting and talking and after cooling off - the same cycle repeats itself...
I try to remain composed and I rarely raise my voice (I have before but only a few times when I was at my breaking point. I am only human)
but it seems that there is nothing I can do to avoid that build up inside him that ends up setting him ablaze and losing control.

I do like that you put it as, for now we are together so deal with it together, I try to empathize and I do see it as
we're in the same boat, but I don't want to drown with him....
and I'm not sure what I need to do to be a better "life guard" (I hope the metaphor is clear)

[Kindreason]

The issues are repeated, constant lying, verabl cruetly and infedility. I agree that pregnancy is an emotional
time but I can distinguish between thoughts and emotions that are my own and those that are emphasized by hormones.
I may not always be able to control the latter but I can say "this here - is due to that". The lying I believe would be considered
an issue by the majority of healthy human beings. It is what I find most difficult to deal with, he lies about small and big things
alike, and often he will continue defending his lie even when the truth is right in front of his face and when I find out and tell him
that I know a lie has been told (I specify and I don't beat around the bush). He says he doesn't know why he lies like that.
As for the infedility, that may be less or no problem for some (some people choose open relationships) but for me it is a major
issue and here is why; for one, he knows how important trust and loyalty are to me, and that I am the kind of person who
comfortably commits to another human being and if I was unhappy I'd break it up but would not cheat. He knows that for me it's
a big betrayal and not something I can accept and incorporate into a relationship. (We have been apart for a couple of months
after I told him that he should seek a woman that feels comfortable with an open relationship as a life style choice but he started
communicating with me again saying that it's not really what he wants and in his heart he knows what we can have is the best thing
for him and ultimately I am the only person he wants, and so we decided to go back together and try to work on those issues)
the second reason that it's an issue for me, is due to what I said in my original post - it doesn't seem to just be out of stupidity
(thinking with the "wrong head" as people say) but rather it seems that he is incabaple of being satisified with the sexuality within
a relationship, and our relationship has not lacked in that department, we are extremely sexually compatible (physically) and our
sex life has been very enjoyable, and frequent. And yet in spite of that, especially when things get rough (mentally) between us,
he immediately looks for something on the side, and for a long time now it has only been distance-communciation (webcam, chats,
texts/phone calls) and not actually meeting any of those people (I am not sure if this is becaues he doesn't want to, or simply
because it would be technically difficult to fit it into his day without me becoming aware of it).
The nature of these conversations and the frequency in which he seeks them , is impossible to understand for me, and for the lack
of a better term - it creeps me out. He contacted a girl that is on a free webcam page (amature porn that people film in their own
homes with their private webcames - something I have not even been aware existed until recently) and I found videos of such
persons that he saved. I know that that is my personal view and some people find it normal, but to me it is absolutely disgusting.
I cannot understand how watching a young woman letting a stranger be with her and showing it to the world can in any way be
arousing. I have watched the video trying to understand but my mind finds it vulgar and demeaning (for both the man and woman).
It was simply crass. And that is what bothers me so deeply, is the fact that it seems extreme sexual situations and preversion are
necessary for him to fully enjoy sex and that in his mind he has dark desires and needs to constantly stimulate that part of his brain
by engaging in extreme activities (virtual/phone coversation is an activity). Not only am I at a loss for the ability to understand it,
he is also aware that that's where we diffierentiate sexually, and knows my thoughts on such sexual behavior. Therefore I'm forced
to ask myself (and him) - if that's what he wants - why did he want to get married? why is he holding on to the relationship
even when I have opened the door for him to leave with kindness - both before and after getting pregnant (so it's not
only about working on it for our child, the same problems existed before). I have a hard time understanding him and his
motives and so the thought comes to mind that perhaps there is no logic or reason to it, perhaps it's just a darkness
he has iin him that is an inseparable part of him. That scares me. I am not sure if I should run as fast as I can because
it is who he is and he always will be unhealthy in the respect, or if those things are the symptoms of a problem that can
be helped and perhaps is desperate to be helped?, and then maybe staying and dealing with it together, as devon put it,
would be worthwhile and beneficial for us both in terms of personal growth and the growth of our relationship.

I forgot to elaborate about the verbal cruelty - when arguments get heated and when he is having a hard time
communicating he can be extremely mean and say things he later regrets. That wasn't present for the entire
relationship but started manifesting in the past 6 months and has intensified over time. Many of these things
are unforgottable to me, and unforgivable. I have made him aware of that. I am not trying to throw it in his
face but some words reach very deep and are not so easy to take back. The things he let himself say in
moments of anger and weakness it will take much to show true contrite for.


(Age - we are both in our early 20's.)

[Sonrisa]

is there anything positive about him?

[Kindreason]

is there anything positive about him?

Is that a serious or sarcastic question?

[Sonrisa]

Is that a serious or sarcastic question?

very serious

[Kindreason]

The honest answer is that I am not sure anymore. My opinion of him radically changed over the span of almost two years, and now I am not sure who he is.
That's what brought me to this forum.
For a while in spite of the flaws I saw caring, a child-like spark, sense of humor, vulnerability and the ability to maintain an intelligent conversation. Now
I am wondering if the caring is only when it is self serving (and thus ill defined as caring really...), the child like spark a reflection of my own, the sense
of humor just a social skill, the vulnerability fake and the intelligence - mainpulation. I just don't know. I am unhappy having a child with him and while
I don't understand his reasoning for wanting our relationship, my reasoning right now is only for that, and the hope I had to grow from that point
is fading more and more everyday.

[Sonrisa]

what about material/financial side of relationship?

[Kindreason]

He is in the military. I was about to start my third year of college but put it off for the duration of the pregnancy. I am looking forward to going back to school in January
and back to work in the summer. We are doing alright financially, not the best but making it by with a little excess.

[Sonrisa]

what's his working day like?

[Kindreason]

We wake up at around 5 am (I just can't ignore an alarm clock and it doesn't bother me since I usually go back to bed for a couple hours more),
they have morning pt, then formation and then work. His job consists of a lot of paperwork, and often driving around, following up on what the paperwork
consists of (sorry for the vague description, it's a must) and heavy lifting. He often says his days at work are stressful, and one of his superiors is often
giving him an unnecessary hard time so a lot of the time he will text me mid-day saying he wants the day to be over already and be home.

I know he doesn't like his job and I have been trying to encourage him to finish his contract and not re-enlist, and spend time figuring out what
he wants to do and how to get there. He is stuck on the idea that he needs to stay in the military for the benefits (especially for our child)
but I think it's unreasonable to continue working in a field that makes you miserable. He has advanced education and experience from his years
in the service, there is no reason why he can't make a career switch being so young. I don't understand his stubborness.

[Sonrisa]

where are you two from and living now?

[Kindreason]

Will answer that in a private message.