I get it, I get it. He's not GOOD at it.

[a19drift]

But as a woman, and one with a whole lotta feelings..all this unfeeling almost disinterest is getting really hard to deal with.

He's not good at caring about people, moreso he's not good at SHOWING people that he cares about him. I fully acknowledge that, it sucks, but I don't just let it go in one ear and out the other. But I'm the opposite. I love to tell and show people that I care about them.

I honestly don't know where to start. The man in my life -- he's amazing, but I'm biased, right? He's a busy guy, has a lot just going on, and it takes a larger hold on him because he also suffers from PTSD, although he's doing very well with that.

I'm busy too. I go to school full time, and I have three jobs. I like to work for what I have.

No matter how busy I am, I'm never too busy to send him a text wishing him a great day, or something like that. Sometimes it's hours before I get a reply, I don't mind, he works. Sometimes I get a little miffed when all I get is a 'Thanks' in return, but even I can be a big girl and get over that kind of stuff.

Sometimes he shows me indifference even in person. I'll be sitting right there next to him, and he won't even look at me.

I write so many things off because he's stressed, and busy, and it's not my business.

I just want to know how to tell if this military man with a hectic life actually cares about me, I want to know if I'm wasting my time and making a fool of myself.

I miss him every day. I hate to even mention stuff like that, I feel like I'm being needy, or something.
I'd appreciate whatever advice you all can send my way, and if you have questions, feel free to ask away.

Thanks.

[Bonfire]

Some men just don't understand that women have emotional needs. They like some affection from time to time. They like being appreciated and hearing their partner showing them in ways that they love them. But unfortunately some men are clueless about this and they ruin their relationships because of it. I know of an old married couple who share your frustration. The wife always complain about the husband never seems to care how she felt. He only do things he likes. She put up with him for over 20 yrs. She came from a traditional family so divorce was not something she consider. But it finally got to the point she couldn't take his indifference anymore. So she threaten to divorce him. He finally saw how much he has hurt her emotionally and started to treat her right. Gave her the attention she needed. Did things for the both of them. He was a good husband finally. She ask him "Why he suddenly change?" And his response was "You are all I have." So, after twenty something years, he saw the light. Then 2 yrs after the change, he passed away from a heart attack. She was devastated. She told me for the first time she was back in love with her husband and he was gone. I felt really sad for her. I thought I share this story so that others will not waste time being selfish only thinking about their own needs. Because you just never know when someone could be gone.

[Yet another guy]

I can also see a good lesson in communication there.

[98db]

You are probably a little needy. I can say that because I am the same way. I don't think there is anything wrong with that, it is just the way we are. Our well of love is not bottomless and will run dry if it is not replenished.

You should tell him what you need, and see if he gives it to you. If he doesn't, you can decide to move on or accept how he is. You cannot make him do anything nor should you try to force him to change. I had to learn that the hard way

[a19drift]

I know I'm needy. I try to ignore it, and focus on other things as much as possible. I really hate to be inconvenient to anyone.

I don't want him to change. I don't want him to become so out of his element that he can't be himself, because I adore him just the way he is. Ultimatums don't work with this man, it's something he's actually warned me about.

I don't even know what to tell him I need, because it might be terribly inconvenient for him considering his very complicated and busy life. I wish you could just turn the hurt off. I like to think that if I just deal with this for a while, I'll reap some kind of reward later, but who really knows?

I'm very aware that some major communication overhaul needs to be done. When one of you is good at communicating, and the other totally sucks...it makes that process super hard.
I fear that I'll be pushing him away if I make a fuss too much.

[VincenzoG91]

Busy is no excuse when he is sitting next to you and ignoring you. What you are asking for is not unreasonable. Talk to him and try to find a compromise. If he won't compromise, you should seriously re-think this relationship, because you aren't going to be happy with him.

[girl68]

I honestly think some dudes are just like this and unlike the rare exception a PP said, they don't change and never will. My ex was kind of like this. His thought was "you should know I love you, I'm still here". After numerous talks, lots of pleads and several empty promises I dumped him. It just wasn't in him. He's still a really good guy but I needed a lot more than he was willing to give.

[a19drift]

Well, I attempted to talk about this a little with him today. He concisely stated that he has told me multiple times to come over anytime I want to. That he's not trying to ignore me, or anything like that. He's not hanging out with other women. He works, goes to school, does homework, sleeps, and that's it. He says it's like I'm looking for an excuse as to why he's not texting me or hanging out with me. He can't text at work unless he's on break. He told me to stop searching for problems. Yes, he misses me, and yes he wishes he could hang out with me on a more regular basis. Our schedules just don't match up anymore and weekends are a mess too. ''I'm sorry I really am, but damn girl, I am trying to make this all work."

Idk what all he's making work exactly, but I'm going to leave this alone.
As for him not being an outwardly caring person, and there being many a person like him in the world, I find that to be a bad excuse to dump someone. Even ''uncaring'' people, need love, eh?

Boy, can I make a mess.

[Bonfire]

You could give this relationship more time, maybe if his work condition change, he can offer you more attention but do continue to monitor your "happiness" level with this relationship. If it goes on and you feel, you're not happy with the level of caring you are receiving with him and you feel it will never change, then ultimately you'll have to decide if you want to continue down that road. You may love someone but you also have to love yourself and care about your own happiness.

[a19drift]

You could give this relationship more time, maybe if his work condition change, he can offer you more attention but do continue to monitor your "happiness" level with this relationship. If it goes on and you feel, you're not happy with the level of caring you are receiving with him and you feel it will never change, then ultimately you'll have to decide if you want to continue down that road. You may love someone but you also have to love yourself and care about your own happiness.

You're absolutely right. I know a lot of this is my own insecurities, which I'm totally unsure how to work on, but that's another thread, another time.
Thank you for your insight.

[girl68]

As for him not being an outwardly caring person, and there being many a person like him in the world, I find that to be a bad excuse to dump someone. Even ''uncaring'' people, need love, eh?

You're making excuses for him. He's not a bad guy you're just a horrible match. That's all there is to it. Just because he's nice guy doesn't mean you have to stay. So I disagree, it's a perfecto reason to dump him.

[smackie9]

If you have to complain about your relationship it's because your expectations are not being met, you are not on the same page, you are not compatible....tho we have all struggled like you, most of us know, if the tough gets going, it's time to **** off. You shouldn't be unhappy, unfulfilled or lonely in a relationship..... you need to go find someone else that is more suitable. For now you are just settling because you want a relationship......life is way too short to be unhappy because you love someone....get out of this relationship dear.....you still have a chance to find someone that will sweep you off your feet, rub your feet lovingly and want to show their love to you the way you need it.

[a19drift]

You've all shown great points of view, and definitely given me something to think about, for this I thank you VERY MUCH. I wish I could give you his side of the story too, because generally I overreact and read too much into everything, and I imagine given both sides, insights would be different.

I'm afraid I'm still going to fight you on this..granted it might be gullible of me, but until I have been shown that someone has been untruthful with me, I give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they are telling the truth. This guy..he's more truthful than I care for sometimes (lol), and the TRUTH coming from me is that I'm not unfulfilled, I AM needy, I AM insecure, and I AM stubborn.

I have determined that I depend on him too much too soon for my every little happiness, and he should NOT be the only reason for my being happy. But it's okay if he's a big reason, I think.

I mentioned all my feelings, and all my needs, and you know what happened?! He started getting better, IMMEDIATELY! He admitted right away that he has been taking my 'always there for you' attitude for granted, and not showing me very much acknowledgment or affection in return. He also admitted that the stress of his life has been getting to him and instead of leaning on me to help a little, or even just to listen when he needs to talk, he's been just freaking out, and in turn ignoring me to try to deal with everything. I honestly thought I might fly away when he told me that I was the best thing to happen to him in a long time, and that he wasn't really meaning to mess it up so bad. He agreed to work on it, and that's really all I can ask. So far, so good.

There's some things I need to work on too! I need to fill a little more of my time up with things that make me happy. Not all work and school and then just him for a perk when it's all done and over with. Some days like that are okay, not all days. I also need to be a little less neurotic and understand that no everyone's brain is like mine, lol.

I just can't give up easily!

It's not necessarily a healthy frame of mind, but because this man has saved me in a great way from myself, I'd enjoy the opportunity to do something of the same. I want to just..see where it goes. & as long as we're both free to communicate problems, likes and dislikes, etc to one another, I think there's a fair chance of success.