I don't know how to feel....

[blackiesharley]

For the last few nights I've had very vivid dreams about my ex-wife and everything was wonderful in the dreams, just like the old days. One was so real that I got out of bed at 2am and played internet backgammon for a couple of hours just so I wouldn't go back to sleep and continue the dream.

And then today out of the blue I receive a phone message. "Hi it's me, long time no talk." She mentioned some minor mutual business and then said "I wanted to see how you're doing. I'm having a really rough time, (she meant emotionally, not money-wise) time of year I guess (with a sigh). Family problems too Mike. Parents are not doing well. Call me and say hi, please?"

I guess we're still connected, probably always will be. I returned her call and left a brief return message.

She called me back shortly. Really sweet. Explained some family problems (alcohol related). Nice chat. I told her that I had opened a moving box this afternoon and saw our Xmas lights that we used to decorate the house with. "I remember holding your ankles behind you on the ladder." There was silence on her end and then another sigh.

I asked what she was doing. She said cooking spagetti. I said I miss your spagetti, guess I'll never have it again.

Her response? "Never say never."

We talked a bit more and I said that 'I will always be there for you Hon.' She replied that 'I'll always be there for you too.' She meant it.

I said "I'll talk to you before Christmas. Bye."

She said "Bye. BUT only for NOW."

Talk about good love gone bad. A real romantic tragity. (spl?) There's nobody else in her life and she's dealing with all this drama (alcholic parents, etc.) crap alone these days, where she always knew that she coud depend upon me to stand with her toe to toe. It's so obvious that we're still in love. 12 years. Can't someone beat some f**king sense into our individual heads?

Meanwhile, I'm hitting the bar.....

[blue]

of course there are feelings you guys shared 12 years of your life together that just dosent go away, & i read your previous post and u stated that she grew apart, & if you two are IN love then why not try again?

[blackiesharley]

Well Blue, we did grow apart that's true. But now that we've been apart for a long time now maybe we see the positives in each other. I commend and respect her for having the balls (ovaries?) to call me yesterday just basically to chit-chat.

Given the fact that in very recent days I've gotten off my lazy ass, stopped wallowing in wine, cable TV and self-pity as a recluse and have begun socializing again in the real world, I've made some new friends, some male, as well as meeting some interesting and pretty new ladies, I'm actually having a good time. My morale is much better, I know I still have 'market value.'

The question is... Do I WANT to try again? I REALLY don't know. I honestly don't know. I would love to have the person back that she WAS, but not the person that she became. I'd have to think about that long and hard and take things very sloooow. Maybe an occasional date? I think she'd be up to that. (??)

She opened the door yesterday to the possibility with her phone call and words. I'll keep my door open as well. Meanwhile, on with my life.

She's a sweet, caring, good person, just a little ****ed up in some ways. (Aren't we all?) I know she's lonely. I never suspected another man, and I would be the first to admit it.

Time will tell, but I'm thinking about buying her a simple little Xmas gift, nothing romantic or fancy, just a token. I have no idea what.

[Cybog]

You havent told us why you split in the first place.

[blackiesharley]

You havent told us why you split in the first place.

If I could answer that question simply, I would. The best explanation would be this...

Think not of a photograph or a painting, but of a jigsaw puzzle where each tiny piece makes up the total.

A few examples: She got very into New Age stuff, which I respected but didn't particiate in. She would sit for hours and meditate. She started exploring what I considered 'cult like' activity. She quit smoking, I wasn't ready. Altough neither of us were ever big drinkers, she quit but I wasn't ready to give up the pleasure of a glass of wine at dinner. Financial pressures. We had bought a fixer-upper house and each worked five days a week to pay for it and then on weekends laboring to fix it up, and too tired for any sexual or romantic activity in the evenings. (Although the desire was still there on each of our parts.) Family problems on her end. (Alcoholic parents) She stopped shaving her legs and pits. Hated her job. Last but by far not least, menopause.That hit her like a ton of bricks and she would not follow our (excellent BTW) Doctor's advice, and went for the 'natural' approach that didn't help worth shit.

I could go into more details, but the point is, there was no ONE thing, just a combination of many little things. I think that when people truly love each other enough, that it puts pressure on the other mate. She looked up to me and when I would disapoint her in some small way, she was crushed.

I don't want her back, as I'm doing much better emotionally these days but I don't want her totally out of my life either. I'm betting she feels the same way.

[middleman]

I'm sure you've done it, but break it down into the pieces of "why" it happened and see if there is room for a reconnect. Just don't drag the feelings of loss on and on. It'll just bog you down. When life slams you on the butt, get back up and dig in for a better round! I know how you feel, I bit the dust after 15 years of marriage. As long as you understand the dynamics between the 2 of you, you might find some peace to move on or maybe get back together? Good luck!

[blackiesharley]

Hi Middleman-

All good advice, thanks, you're right but I'm not going to over anilize (spl?) it, I did that in the early days, I'm just going to move forward with my life and if I say so myself I've come to the point where I'm doing a pretty good job. Took a LONG time.

Interesting development this afternoon though. She called for directions to my place as she wanted to drop off a little Xmas gift for me. THAT'S what I want at least for now. That's ALL I want from her. No anger, no bitterness, just a little human communication.

Whatever may or may not happen between us in the future, life goes on. Like I said in another thread here once I got off my lazy ass, stopped feeling sorry for myself, being a recluse and dragged myself back into the real World, I started making new friends, going to the gym, even (gasp) met a few nice ladies, my attitude is 100% better.

Like they say, what is to be.....