Love him or leave him?

[Synabelle]

I have been dating my guy for 10 months. We live together and things have been really great between us besides a few sorta serious issues. I look at him and just love him, we laugh and play very well together, we have similar goals and interests and are generally very tender with eachother. I have felt that he is the love of my life. However I am wondering if he is slightly off in the head. I mean abusive. Last night we both drank a little bit, I drank a whole lot more than he did, he had one drink to my four.

We were discussing parenting and coming to conclusions on how to get his daughter to eat better. The conversation was going well (we have had really heated conversations before, usually involving alcohol but not always, we both have very strong and often opposing opinions about serious topics) but it took a turn for the worst when we started talking about war. I have the opinion that it isnt really a good thing to focus on, it doesnt seem to do anybody any good to focus on something so negative, although it can be turned into a positive.

To make a long story short, 9-11 came up and I said I felt it was an inside job, a conspiracy if you will, I have known that opinion to really offend people and I do know that it is unpatriotic but Its how I feel. At that moment he said "What? Get the F$@# out of my house"...."You are a f&$%#^% idiot". (when an hour before he said he was totally in love with me) I said I would leave but was shocked. I told him numerous times I really would leave and he better talk to me about this and he simply said he did not care if I left and to get out. I called my mother freaking out and she said she would come help me move the next day. I slept in our guest bedroom until I woke up about 4am when I came into our room to see how he was. He then said, "hey baby, I love you and I am really sorry, alot of last night was me and I was an a-hole but I just got really offended".

I love him tremendously but this is one of the worst things a partner has ever said to me. It makes me feel like I can be tossed around and treated like an idiot for having a controversial opinion. This is the second time he has gotten furious over a conversation. Just seems like maybe I should leave. What if this is a warning sign? Am I making too much of it? I know alcohol doesnt help but I dont feel like its an excuse bc he really wasnt even drunk and even if he was I am feeling this is a major problem and I dont know how to deal with it. Am I wrong?

Thanks for reading and responding!

[wolfie91]

I think the issue here is not your disagreement, but how he handled it.

A guy I dated a few years back was dead-convinced that the lunar landing was a hoax. I disagreed and kept my opinions light and avoidant out of respect for him. I disagreed quite strongly, but because I loved him, I kept my mouth shut and decided that it wasn't worth fighting about.

Your guy, though, chose to call you names and to deal with the whole situation rather immaturely. I would not be impressed: maybe a sit-down conversation is in order, to give him the opportunity to explain why he acted childishly over a disagreement that, compared with other differences of opinion you might have in the future, was relatively minor.

[Synabelle]

Well you can be sure that I am not gonna bring it up again or be so opinionated about these things he is so passionate about! It's happened that way with alot of issues. Makes me feel restricted though. I am beginning to se him as this ticking time bomb. I have to be careful what I do and say? I am learning alot though, I just don't know if it's healthy to stay anymore. But I am really in love with him, that is the problem. In my past relationships, when I was ready to move on, I knew for a fact that is what I wanted to do, I no longer had feelings for the person and it was almost easy to say goodbye. Guess there is a lesson here?

[wolfie91]

Why is it your job to tiptoe? He is the one that reacted irresponsibly and with apparent disregard for the fact that he clearly cares for you.

You don't have the whole story yet. You have no insight into his behavior and that understandably can cause some confliction. I would be really inclined to speak frankly with him about it. Tell him that you resent being treated like that over what seemed (to you) to be something so unimportant. If he has violent outbursts like this on a regular basis, you could tactfully suggest counseling, or remind him that it takes two to tango--if he doesn't want to work at the relationship in this way, then you aren't bound to him.

[jessld]

Well you can be sure that I am not gonna bring it up again or be so opinionated about these things he is so passionate about! It's happened that way with alot of issues. Makes me feel restricted though. I am beginning to se him as this ticking time bomb. I have to be careful what I do and say? I am learning alot though, I just don't know if it's healthy to stay anymore. But I am really in love with him, that is the problem. In my past relationships, when I was ready to move on, I knew for a fact that is what I wanted to do, I no longer had feelings for the person and it was almost easy to say goodbye. Guess there is a lesson here?

Wow this sounds like someone I know. U may love him but are u in love with him. You should be able to talk freely with the person u love without living in fear. Fear is never healthy. Maybe get him to seek help or maybe you should leave him till he gets his life back on track. Never ever live life like that it's simply not worth it, not even worth all the love in the world. Keep urself safe.

[Bonfire]

Lol Your story actually kinda made me laugh. It's a guy thing. But on a serious note, I have learn not to talk about certain topics with my significant others just to avoid scenarios like this. Politics and religion are usually topics I avoid because it can get very heated. It's just wiser not to try and get into it. Even if the two of you can disagree respectfully, it is still a waste of time debating since neither side can convince the other otherwise because everyone has their own set of personal beliefs in what is the truth.