long distance secret-keeping...please help!

[sixlets0706]

Hey everyone! I know this is my first time posting here, but I wanted some advice on my relationship, and I don’t really feel like talking to any of my friends about it. I heard there were places online to ask for advice on lots of things, so I figured I’d give it a try. It’s better than nothing, right?

Ok, some backstory on the problem and myself: I’m a 24 year old girl, living in Dallas, TX. I got my Master’s degree about a year ago, and after that got a job doing social marketing for a small business. I love my life here, I’m plenty established, and I don’t really want to leave the area. However, if there were one thing I might consider leaving this area for is my boyfriend. Sadly…he lives in California. We grew up together, so I know him really well, so it’s not as MUCH of a problem to have a long distance thing. We’ve been dating for a little over a year now, and aside from missing each other, we really don’t have many problems…yet. See, the thing is…I know he’s hiding something from me. I’m pretty sure this isn’t just me imagining things or being the typical paranoid girlfriend either. He’s always, always low on money, but he makes a decent amount per year to support himself. He makes about 30,000 a year, pays about 900 dollars a month for rent and utilities (thankfully northern California is a little cheaper than the south), and his diet consists mostly of things you can pull out of a freezer, so it’s not like TOO much is going towards food. And yet, he’s always, always low on money, and it seems like every day he’s claiming he’s broke. But that just doesn’t add up, mathematically speaking. I offer to help him set up a budget, but he always kinda brushes the subject aside. He’s never been the type who’s into drugs or anything…hell, boy was an Eagle Scout in high school. When I try to suggest ways to fix his money issue, he seems very interested…but just like a normal guy, he never follows through. It’s really frustrating. I ask what’s bothering him, and you can just tell there’s something, cause there’s always that normal pause, followed by “It’s nothing, really.” Anyone have any ideas on how I can get him to open up to me? Like I said…we grew up together…this sort of thing has NEVER been a problem. >< I just don’t know what to do.

[smackie9]

Get on a plane and go see him.

[sixlets0706]

Close enough to that...I see him again in about a week, he's coming back here to visit family for Easter. I'm a little scared to bring it up in person though...any advice?

[smackie9]

BTW 30,000 a year is peanuts. You have to remember there is taxes, the cost of gas and insurance...this sh it adds up. $900 a month is a big chunk of change for someone that lives on his own. I bet he only brings home around 1600 a month if that after taxes. But being broke isn't as serious as being in debt. If he is in terrible debt I can probably guess he has a gambling problem. Either that or his hours have been cut at work and hasn't told you or it's quite possible he has lied to you about his income. Anyways LDR's have a short shelf life. If you want nothing to do with relocating why are you even wasting your time.....just date locally. You will be much happier.

[warriormaiden]

That was what I was going to say, Smackie. $30,000 is like, NOTHING. I think when he says he's broke, I think he's ACTUALLY broke because he's trying to survive!

[Bonfire]

I was going to say. Making $30k living in expensive California, of course he's broke.

[sixlets0706]

I know it's not much...but I was doing the math, and it seems like he shouldn't be consistently BROKE broke, even allowing for some entertainment budget. But he'll be coming down to visit for the Easter weekend, so maybe I can find out something then. The weird thing is I can tell something isn't being said, because of the way he talks and everything. That's the part that bugs me more than the lack of money. I know men prolly wouldn't want to talk about money issues necessarily, but I mean, to brush me off when he would know that an answer given like that would just tip me off? That's just stupid. Any ideas on how to get him to open up to me some?

Also, smackie9, I have no plans to relocate, but he does want to come back here, since his family is in the area, he grew up here and misses it, etc. Also, we've been great friends since we were 10...we're 24 and 25 now lol. So we do have quite a bit of history together to help support a long distance relationship. We've been long distance for about a year now, and we're still together, so it at least seems to be a bit more stable than most. I would normally agree with you (me and my high school boyfriend only lasted about a month with distance, like all others ) But this one is definitely a little different lol.

[VincenzoG91]

I'm running the numbers, and yeah, he shouldn't be totally broke.

$30,000 per year is $2,500 per month.
I don't know what the taxes are like in California, but let's say 25% gets taxed away, that's $1,875 per month.

After rent and utilities, $975 per month.

Let's give him $100 a week for food and gas for his car. Hopefully he isn't stupid enough to be driving a gas-guzzling truck, since it looks like gas will hit $4 a gallon soon.

So $575. Does he have a cell phone? High-speed internet? Cable tv with some premium channels like ESPN or HBO? If yes to all of those, he's down to $375 per month or less.

What about credit card debt? Car payments and/or car trouble? Prescription meds? Cigarettes or booze? He might not be broke, but he might not be doing well enough to fly to Dallas.

[reeba]

$30,000 is not enough to live on. I was making that while a graduate student and the only way I survived was I had roommates, no cell phone or internet, rode my bike a lot, drove an old vehicle, went without health insurance, and rarely went out.

He is probably embarrassed that you are doing OK and he is struggling.

[IncognitoSir]

You guys are misrepresenting $30K a year. What about student loans? Rent, car note, insurance, electric bill, GAS!!!, food, cell phone. I live with my parents and pay ALL of those bills .

Rent 300
care note 0
insurance $98
electric bill $150
GAS!!!!! $120
Food $100
Cell Phone $85
Student loans $300



Thats a total of $1153 per month! and I don't even pay the full light bill, and I thats a small portion of the mortgage here. Not to mention I didn't include the cable and internet. Seriously, it makes since he's broke all the time. He does live in cali, I'm surprised he's even getting by over their, the cost of living in cali compared to Texas is night and day. Gas is stupid expensive in California.......hell water is expensive in California.

[sixlets0706]

Well, while the budget breakdown is useful, it's not entirely accurate. I agree, the amount he makes means he isn't rolling in the Benjamins, but it shouldn't be flat broke. One time we went out to get fast food, and his card was rejected because he had only 8 dollars left in it. This is just poor money management to not realize that you are that low.
Like I said, he comes into town this weekend for Easter. I got some advice from another thread online as to how to get him to help open up. We'll see how that goes. As for now, while the money breakdowns and info are nice, any advice on the whole getting him to open up part?
A new complication just came up. I'll be moving out of the country for a while. I was just accepted as a teacher on a foreign exchange program to Britain. It's been my dream since I was little, and he's always supported it. Do you think that this sort of problem would be enough to cause additional problems in addition to what we'll already face from me being out of the country? I don't know what to do to help the situation improve before I leave in a few months ><

[misombra]

Sounds like you two are on different paths right now. Have you considered breaking things off for a while?

[MrE]

He's broke man!

I make about $70,000 a year, my wife makes about $40K, so together we make about $110K. My house payment is around $2100, my wife and I are split up, I'm living on my own and I'm paying half of her bills because we are still great friends, and I can't leave her high and dry. After all our bills (car payments, debt, etc) I probably make about $35K a year that I can now use for my own life (and that's AFTER paying all my debts, and such). So essentially if you look at it this way, I make about $35K a year in my single life, and my rent is $700/mo, and after paying for utilities, gas, food, and various other things I'm freggin BROKE! And I'm not out blowing money!

[MrE]

sixlets, why don't you show us your own break-down since you are sure you have his financial situation figured out? Then we can see if you're missing something. After take-home he is probably spending nearly half his income on rent alone. That's a LOT. And, even if he is spending a bit much (which to me it doesn't seem like he is), then why do you automatically assume it's because he's seeing another girl? I can very easily blow money without having another woman involved. All it would take is going to restaurants with friends a few times a month, being social, like going to movies, bars, clubs and such and you're already talking big chunks of cash being spent for someone making that kind of money.

[sixlets0706]

Sorry, things have been really busy at work and with friends lately, haven't visited for a while.
@MrE: I never meant to say I was certain he was seeing another girl. But my breakdown, in a short summary, is like this (doing it short, cause a weirder development has occcurred I wanted to share):
Monthy income: ~$1830.00
Taxes: 100.00
Internet/Cable: 80.00
Electricity: 75.00
Rent: 650.00
Water, Gas, etc: 30.00
Food/Groceries: 400.00
Gas for his car: ~150.00
Cell Phone: 0.00 (still on his parents plan with them)
Student loans: 80.00
Credit card bills: 0.00 (he has none)
So doing the math, that leaves around 665 dollars for random and other expenses. I agree, it's not rolling in the dough, but it's sure not broke.

However, after posting to this forum and one other asking for advice, I got an email earlier today from someone using a temporary email, but I was able to trace it's origin IP to northern cali (where he lives). It basically just said "Stop trying." I have no idea what the hell that means. I'm pretty sure he doesn't know I've bene asking for advice on the net, and I haven't really given out too much identifying info on him. Someone else suggested it might be him, too embarrassed and wanting me to stop, but the only way he would know about these forums is if he looked at my browsing history when he came to visit 2 weeks ago, and I somehow doubt that (btw, the visit went well. I just never really found time to ask him. I tried to get the convo there once, no really success. His family interrupted it by coming into the room and saying it was dinner time). Any ideas?