The friend zone?

[MeLewis]

I recently posted another thread about my latest situation. For those of you just joining in on the conversation, it can be explained very quickly.

For several years I knew this girl just on a "How are you?" basis. Never really talked, and I didn't know anything about her, but I did have a crush on her. That was about 4 years ago.

She recently got a job where I work, and I was in charge of training her. Very shortly after that, we started talking. Last Saturday was one of my friends last days of work there, and he started harassing all the female workers. "Strip for me." "Come to my house." "I'll show you a good time." stuff like that, and I was getting pretty angry even though he was my friend. At one point during that night he came over to me and M (The girl I'm falling for) while we were talking and interrupted me by saying "Lewis thinks you are hot." then just walks away. I was very embarrassed tremendously. M was picked on all night by a lot of the other employees and even some of the customers that smoke with some of the employees.

Later that night when we were both off, we started talking on the internet about what happened at work, then she asked for my number so we could text. We ended up texting until about 3 in the morning the next day. The next morning I realized that I fell for her. We have been texting quite a bit lately(afraid to look at my phone bill) and I still don't know whether or not she has a boyfriend.

I never like going to facebook for a means of information, but I ended up finding out that she is "In a relationship". I don't know what to do, or how to bring up the topic of her boyfriend without ruining our newly found friendship. I do not want to be stuck in the friend zone before I even have the chance to do anything about it.

Thanks for your input, and if I am not inputting enough information, or if I am just making no sense at all, let me know.

Sincerely, Lewis.

[Bonfire]

I really did think you had something going there, until the facebook "In a relationshiip" status. That must suck. Sometimes girls do unknowingly send the wrong signals. I experience something quite similar but mine was even more misleading. She actually ask me to go out to dinner and a movie. You would think she is interested right? Well, she has a boyfriend and that threw me off for a loop. I really thought we were going on a date. But you know girls are weird and they can be quite confusing sometimes. We have to accept that. I am still friends with this girl I mention. We have become close friends in fact. I have no problem being completely friends with someone I like. I enjoy our friendship. You should find out for sure she has a bf and if she does, well you will have to decide if you can be friends with someone you like.

[MeLewis]

Yeah, I do not know what to expect when I talk to her. I recently found out that she is an aspiring author, and her first book is nearly finished. I am reading it right now, and I am very impressed. I fear that with each passing day, I may be falling farther for her. Without even realizing it, yesterday I caught myself learning an intro to one of her favorite songs on my guitar.

I worked with her today shortly for about 2 hours, when our shifts overlapped. I had a hard time looking at her, I couldn't make eye contact with her. I was very uncomfortable, and didn't really speak that much to her, which to her might have been odd. I tried to say something to her, but I said something really stupid in lieu of something clever and witty.

It's weird that before we started texting, we were having a good time talking to each other. It was fluid and easy, but now that we have been texting for about a week, it seems to have damaged our friendship even though I feel our friendship has grown tremendously over the past week since we started texting.

Like I said, I have known her for a while, but I never really talked to her because I was too shy. We knew each other enough that she called me by my first name her first day at work (My last name is on my name tag). I don't know whether or not to try to ask her to go paint pottery, or maybe see a new movie, even though I don't think seeing a movie is a good date. To maybe go hiking up in the Bureau of Land Management up behind my house, or to go to the park and just talk. This is all confusing to me, and I would like to get some advice.

Am I in the friend zone? Do I still have time to get out of the friend zone since our friendship is still young and growing? She is an amazing person, and talking to her in the past couple of days has depleted my depression.

[Bonfire]

Like I said, I have known her for a while, but I never really talked to her because I was too shy. We knew each other enough that she called me by my first name her first day at work (My last name is on my name tag). I don't know whether or not to try to ask her to go paint pottery, or maybe see a new movie, even though I don't think seeing a movie is a good date. To maybe go hiking up in the Bureau of Land Management up behind my house, or to go to the park and just talk. This is all confusing to me, and I would like to get some advice.

You can't pursue her if she has a boyfriend. You can try but if she is a faithful person, she'll reject you on that ground. What is happening here is you are allowing your feelings to get carried away. You still haven't spend enough time with her to justify how much you have fallen for her. Not to say your feelings isn't real but it should not move this fast. If you come out and tell her you love her, it would probably scare her away. Loving someone can sometimes mean you have to wait for that person to be available. She's not. Don't worry about the friend-zone. Friendships can lead to relationships. As long as a girl finds you attractive, you will have a shot in the future. I recommend just being friends with her. But if you can't wait and don't want to go the friends route, then by all means ask her out. Let your intentions be known that you want to date her. But I just have a feeling if you did that, it will not go the way you want. That's why I recommend waiting til she is single again to make your move.

[MeLewis]

I was not implying that I love her, I do not know where you got that idea from. Thanks for the advice nevertheless. I admit that I do fall too quickly for people. I know I hardly know her, but would really enjoy getting to know her better.

[Bonfire]

I was not implying that I love her, I do not know where you got that idea from. Thanks for the advice nevertheless. I admit that I do fall too quickly for people. I know I hardly know her, but would really enjoy getting to know her better.

I know you did not imply you love her. I purposely went ahead of you so you can catch your own feelings. Good to know you are aware that you fall too quickly. I share the same problem. You mentioned that talking to her a couple of days has depleted your depression. She may lift your spirit but also it means she can cause it to come crashing down. So be prepare for that. You sound like a nice guy but only lack a little confidence. Do take your time to get to know her through work and hopefully she becomes available sometime soon and you get your chance. Good luck.

[bloodtippedrose]

She has a boyfriend so you are automatically put in the friend zone. She probably would like to trust you and rely on you for a good time at work, not to get hit on like everyone else does to her. If you try to break out of the friend zone by flirting or something it will only make you look like an ass and she will probably start avoiding you, or tell her bf that some guys flirting with her at work and he'll do the occasional 'checkup'.
She already has a lover so you can either be a good friend or you can distance yourself from her.

[MeLewis]

The thing is, I can usually tell if people have a significant other just by talking to them. Not saying that I am an expert at spotting this, just that I pay attention to people when they talk, and I gather the little hints and put it together. Unlike most people, I have a very good common sense. But with her, I know she is a catch, and she has a lot of friends. A part of me thinks that she is not looking for anything right now, and posted that she was in a relationship so pervs would not hit on her and so on. Sadly, the more I think about it, the more I fear she will think I am a perv.

I am genuinely interested in her writing, I really enjoy talking to her. I am not looking for a quick fling, and I do not usually like most girls because they are either inappropriate, immature, or both. I am a hopeless romantic, constantly searching for love, and I can't do anything about that, it was the way i was raised. I enjoy being a hopeless romantic because I am not looking for a moving bag of sex meat.

People think I am weird that being the age I am, I still have not tried tobacco or alcohol of any sorts. I am the only one of my friends to be able to say that, let alone anyone I know. I know this shouldn't bother me, but over a year ago, my older brother's ex girlfriend became all buddy buddy with me. And we were originally all childhood friends, so it was easy for me to fall for her. After a while, she wanted to move the relationship to the next level, and I thought I was ready. Thankfully, before we did anything she had told me that (perhaps by accident) I reminded her so much of my brother, and she still loves him, and since she can not have him, she can have me and feel like she has my brother. Respectfully, I told her to get out of my house, and it ended right there.

I suffer from depression. I am bi-polar, and I have ADD. And I usually fall for the people that can help me keep my problems at bay, and I know that is bad because when they end up not working out, I end up getting hurt very badly. All my problems come rushing back, and every time it seems to crash harder and last longer than the latest one. So when I fall for someone, I fall for a person that I know (so far) I can get along with in the long run. I try not to jump into things blind, but sometimes my emotions get the better of me.

I do lack confidence, but I feel it building up the more and more I talk to people.

Thank you for looking our for me, I appreciate your honesty.

[bloodtippedrose]

depression, bipolar, add, they are all just labels, do not use them as a crutch to not control your emotions. Texting you until 3 am is a good sign, though I doubt she would put "in a relationship" when she truly wasn't. If she didn't want creeps to hit on her she would not add them as a friend/ accept their friend requests.
There must be a reason she has not brought up having a bf to you yet. Either she likes the attention, she truly doesnt have one, shes interested in you and is weighing you against him, or he has never came up yet (which is doubtful, there are always stories to tell about bfs). You can either wait until she says something about him or you can bring it up yourself. It makes a HUGE difference.

btw i dont think youre weird for not drinking/ smoking ^_^ ive never smoked and never will, and ive only drank once and its not what its cracked up to be. and it taste like poison.

[MeLewis]

I am worried about bringing up the topic of her having a boyfriend. We work together, so if I bring it up, I fear that it will make things very uncomfortable. It comforts me to think that there is a possibility that she may be weighing me to her boyfriend, if she has one, which I hope she doesn't. I do not have anything against her boyfriend, and I don't want to break them up. It would just make it a lot easier to just know.

[bloodtippedrose]

Well you should probably wait until you're a little more comfortable being around her or more comfortable talking to her so she doesnt think youre hitting on her. As you get to know her better she'll eventually start talking about him or you'll see him pick her up or something. If a few months go by and nothing, then bring it up "hey i noticed it said on your fb that you're in a relationship but you never talk about him! whats up with that?!"

[robFord]

I say **** it. If she's texting you at 3 in the morning AND she has a bf, then there's definitely something up. Or at least you're entitled to think she's interested. Keep it light and casual, flirt with her, tease her and make her want you. If she flirts back and shows signs of interest (AND YOU'RE SURE OF IT) then you need to broach the subject of her bf. It's not nice to break up a relationship, nor is cheating a good thing, but if she's looking to party, then her relationship could be falling apart and she's looking for a reason to escape.

Don't give her everything she wants, make her want you then tell her she needs to figure out her shit. There's no end game getting involved with a taken woman. Make it clear that you're interested in her more than just being friends, but you're willing to drop the whole thing if you need to.

You have one life to live, you never know when someone might be the right one for you, or you for them unless you try. Be a challenge, but not an asshole.
GOOD LUCK!

[MeLewis]

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I deeply appreciate everything that was said, and I plan on trying some of these new techniques.

[MeLewis]

I just found out that M has a boyfriend, and surprisingly I am really o.k. with that. I can now focus on our new budding friendship without all the awkwardness. It also helps me to know that M's boyfriend is in another state over 900 miles away at school. M is starting school this fall at the school I am attending. I do not wish for M and her boyfriend to break up, but now that I know where her and I stand in this relationship, I can now form a strong bond between the two of us.

[bloodtippedrose]

How did you find out about him?