We want each other, but she's got a boyfriend

[spike_spiegel]

I'm going to try really hard to make a long story short.

I met the most amazing woman. I'm nearly 30 years old and have had my share of relationships, one of the longer ones lasting nearly 6 years, I'd like to think I know the difference between good old infatuation and honest-to-goodness "she's the most amazing woman I've ever met."

I've honestly never felt this way for anyone before. It's not love, not yet anyway, but I can't get her out of my mind since the day we met a couple months ago. We share a great many similar interests that I have never been able to share with anyone else before, but again, she's very different from me in many ways that challenge me to be more than I am.

She feels much the same way about me, we've discussed this recently. But I guess I should backtrack a little bit. She has a boyfriend. Yea, it's one of those situations, but it's a little more complex. See, this boyfriend of hers has been away at school for some time now and he won't be back for a good long while. In fact, he's a more than 800 miles away in another part of the country. They very rarely see each other in person. Now bring us back to the present, the friends of hers that I've met and come to know all say the same thing. They don't see the relationship working out between her and the current boyfriend. In fact, several of them think it's a bad situation, although they don't tell her this. They are loyal to their friend and I respect that. This point was proven when she and a friend of hers came over to hang out with my roommate and me. Long story short, her friend ended up hooking up with my roommate that night and the girl in question and I almost ended up making out but her friend stepped in. I totally respect that and to be totally honest, if alcohol hadn't been a factor I'd probably have been more respectful myself as would she. Since then there have been several situations where we were a little more comfortable with each other than just friends.

That night kind of let the cat out of the bag, so to speak. From that point on we both found ourselves unable to control ourselves when we were together. We ended up cuddling on the couch while watching a movie one night. It wasn't just a "really close friend" thing, it was clearly an affectionate cuddle that said she was interested in me and all that. The next morning she sent me a really long text message about how she could never cheat on her boyfriend and how she didn't see herself leaving him in the foreseeable future and how we shouldn't hang out for a few weeks while she sorted out her feelings. Well, the "few weeks" ended up being a day and a half. That was last week and we've pretty much hung out with each other every day since in some capacity or another, although each time was in a far more controlled situation that wouldn't lead into anything happening.

Now, I know already that some people would say that if she would cheat on a current boyfriend who's to say it wouldn't happen with me if we were together, etc etc, but honestly, she's not the type. That's why she's cut short anything that's happened between us. She really doesn't want to do anything like that. It's my observation, which has been corroborated by her friends who know her much better than I do and who also know her boyfriend, that she is has been drifting away from him since he's been gone. That's understandable. I was once in a long distance relationship and from my experience as well as reading about and talking to others who have been in one, they very rarely work out. He's been gone some time with much more time ahead. It's also been discussed that she is apparently sticking to this guy out of some feeling of obligation, not only to him but to her family who seems to adore him.

In the long message she sent me telling me that we shouldn't see each other for a while she closed with one of the worst things a woman could tell a man in my situation. She said "If only I'd met you a couple years ago". Those words cut like a knife.

The friend of hers that ended up with my roommate told me that she (the girl in question) would regret this if she kept doing what she's doing and that she should think about being with me.

I'm here hoping somebody can give me some advice. I know it sounds horrible to say I'm hoping to find a way to end her relationship to her current boyfriend, but it seems like that's happening on its own anyways, she just doesn't realize or doesn't want to realize it yet. I want to find a way to make this happen without sticking it out too long and being permanently moved to the "friend-zone" or having something actually happen between us that she ends up regretting and she ends up resenting me.

So far, I've only reciprocated any actions she's done, I've never initiated any of the "more-than-friends" contact that we've had. I merely responded to her. To be honest, I've never been very good at reading the subtle clues people drop about what they're really feeling, so I'm not sure at all if she's being sincere when she says she doesn't want things to get out of hand with us or if she's really setting up the situation and secretly hoping that I take initiative. I've also never once tried to tell her she should be with me rather than her boyfriend nor have I in any way talked bad about the situation. I don't want to be "that guy" because it would seem very selfish of me to say those things, and to be honest it IS selfish of me to even be here writing all of this.

Anyways, I'm starting to get lost in my own emotions right now so I think I'll end here. Reading back over all of this I guess there's really no way to cut this story short. Thanks to those who read through it all.

[Boisdevie]

It's simple, If she really wants you then she will end the relationship that she's in.

[vashti]

Tell her you really want to pursue a relationship with her.... AFTER she dumps the boyfriend. Then, stop hanging around with her until she does.

[girl68]

You seem smart, so don't be dumb. She may be the greatest girl ever, fine but if she's not strong enough to break up with her bf tp persue her version of the best guy ever is she really the girl for you?

[Mayita]

Here's my opinion. If I'm in a relationship with someone, that's because I'm happy and I don't have any reasons to look for anything with anyone else. Now if I meet someone who makes me feel the way you're describing, then that means obviously there's something missing in my relationship..

What she should do is either forget about you and put all her efforts in her current relationship OR realize that her relationship isn't what she really wants and end it..
Then, if she decides to break up with the boyfriend, you can start something together, not before..

Plus, be careful & make sure she's not on the rebound.. take your time.

Meanwhile, don't let her initiate anything if you see her again.. She needs to make up her mind about what she wants and make a decision.

Good luck!

Meanwhi

[spike_spiegel]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I've already been tossing around the idea in my head to have a talk to her and "bare my soul" about how I feel. I'm just terrified of driving her away. If it's really not meant to happen I would still like to have her in my life as a friend. She's too wonderful a person to me to not be around.

[VincenzoG91]

If she's that wonderful, she won't treat you like a spare tire.

[spike_spiegel]

If she's that wonderful, she won't treat you like a spare tire.

It's kind of hard to just drop 2 years of being with someone, ya know? I don't think I'd respect her as much if she just jumped all over me this quick.

[Bonfire]

It's kind of hard to just drop 2 years of being with someone, ya know? I don't think I'd respect her as much if she just jumped all over me this quick.

Yup. It's definitely not easy for her to leave her boyfriend and it demonstrates her integrity that she didn't just jump ship. Wonderful woman like that are hardly ever single. You could play the patience game and wait til she's available or you could bear your soul and hope she would consider ending her relationship. The choice is yours. Even if she remains with her bf, you can still care for her as a friend so you have that assurance. Good luck and keep me posted.

[spike_spiegel]

Yup. It's definitely not easy for her to leave her boyfriend and it demonstrates her integrity that she didn't just jump ship. Wonderful woman like that are hardly ever single. You could play the patience game and wait til she's available or you could bear your soul and hope she would consider ending her relationship. The choice is yours. Even if she remains with her bf, you can still care for her as a friend so you have that assurance. Good luck and keep me posted.

I plan on the bearing of the soul part. I told her I'd like to talk to her so we setup a friendly "date" if you will for Saturday evening. I'm having her over along with her friend (the one who's with my roommate) and making them dinner. I figured afterward we'd have a good time just hanging out as a group and then we'd head out somewhere to talk afterward.

[Bonfire]

I plan on the bearing of the soul part. I told her I'd like to talk to her so we setup a friendly "date" if you will for Saturday evening. I'm having her over along with her friend (the one who's with my roommate) and making them dinner. I figured afterward we'd have a good time just hanging out as a group and then we'd head out somewhere to talk afterward.

Alright. Let me know how that evening go.

[spike_spiegel]

So here's how things went. We started talking and it began with me telling her that I had somethings to say and needed to talk about. Things about "us" is how I put it. We covered a lot of things we've already talked about, I let her know exactly how I felt. That I thought she was the most amazing person I'd ever met and I explained why. I told her that I found her incredibly attractive in every aspect. Emotionally, intellectually and physically. I told her that if this were just a physical attraction that I could get over that and we could be friends, but as it stands, I don't know how I can be "just" friends with someone I find that mentally and intellectually attractive. She agreed with me there. She then started telling me about how she feels and approaches relationships and it became clear that it is indeed a feeling of obligation with her current boyfriend. Of course, she does love the guy, they've been together for a while. But apparently there are some issues and she says she couldn't leave him in his current state (depression, etc). She talked about how she was practically already family with his family and vice versa and how since they've been together for as long as they have they've already discussed their future together, etc etc. For the first half hour of the talk we just opened up with how we felt. She defended her relationship with him and apologized profusely for leading me on to which I responded that she had nothing to apologize for. Firstly, it was a mutual thing, I'm as much to blame for the things that happened between us and secondly, emotion can be pretty strong and when someone is following their heart I don't necessarily see a problem, especially if they're brain kicks in and reigns them in. There were a few moments where she had tears welling up, but no outright crying. Given the nature of the conversation I tried to refrain from physically comforting her, but I couldn't help it. She mentioned that her boyfriend would be back in town next week and he'd be here for a couple weeks. She did say that he might be leaving school to move back here. They don't know yet.

The second half of our conversation was a bit confusing. She began giving me reasons and scenarios in which she might leave him for me. Nothing specifically applied, but it was odd. She told me that if anything happened to them that she would very much want to pursue a relationship with me. It was an interesting twist in the topic of conversation.

Oh, something else I should mention, she did say that she tries to be a very honest person and she says that she's told her boyfriend about me and about the things that have nearly happened, etc. I'm not sure of the level of detail that she went into with him or even how he reacted (she didn't say and I didn't ask).

I've decided that we should probably go through with the "no more hanging out" plan and I'd go as far as to say just no contact. we just can't be friends, there's no way we can go back to just that. I'm thinking I should just wait this out and if her boyfriend really is going to be hanging around here for a while and things really aren't as rainbows and unicorns as I've been led to believe then maybe I should just wait and let things take their natural course, because from where I'm sitting (and from where her friends are sitting) her current relationship doesn't look long for this world. I just hope that if/when it falls apart that I'm still around because I'm not going to put my entire life on hold over a possibility. I can't be "that guy".

[Bonfire]

Knowing how she has responded, are you glad you told her or would you have done it differently?

[spike_spiegel]

I'm glad I did it. It's definitely a huge weight off of me knowing that she now knows the full extent of how I feel. Of course, it's not the entire weight. That won't go away on it's own, except with time... I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens next. If nothing happens, then I suppose I'll have to take solace in knowing she's doing what she feels is right and what (hopefully) makes her happy....

[Bonfire]

That's good. Give me an update if things change. I''m sure the weeks to come will be unpleasant for you. I wish you the best.