leave or forgive?

[alice37]

Hi everyone

What does one do when after a year and a half of relationship, her boyfriend tells her, following a horrible fight, that actually he's got a kid whom he never saw and not been in touch with for 16 years ?? And the reason he didn't tell her before is that he intended to tell after a year of being together but then he kept postponing because was afraid to loose her...

[chirping]

better ask if he ever made an effort to get in touch with the kid. why is he not in the kid's life? if he is a decent guy, he would have done everything he could to have a role in the kid's life.

[devonbrown]

Having children is normally one of the first things you discuss when getting into a serious relationship. Not with each other, but if you have your own. It is an important factor that couples have to understand in order to determine if the other person is the right one. Why would he wait until a year to tell you? I understand not wanting to tell you on your first or second date, but once the relationship got serious, I would think he would have mentioned it to you.

I would question the honesty and trustworthiness of this guy. Be cautious.

Good luck.

[reeba]

Why do you think you are the one who needs to forgive him? Although what he did to his kid is a reflection on his character, this kid issue IS NOT ABOUIT YOU. It is his kid who need to forgive him.

I once dated a guy who agreed to give up parental rights on his child, so his ex wife's new husband could adopt him. He said he mainly did it because ex was so evil, that anything to eliminate contact with her was great. Anyway he figured it wasn't the best environment for the child, to see his mom screaming and throwing things at him. Once, when he came over to pick up the child, she even chased him down and rammed his vehicle (with the baby inside) with her car.

So there might be more your guy's story. Although, after a year dating the above man, I realized he was crazy too : ) I'm sure he provoked some of those fights.

[Horseyguy]

Maybe he didn't want to get judged for a decsion he made 16 years ago and didn't feel it had relevance to the person he is now

It's a tough one and I guess without knowing the background it's hard to say.

I had a friend long time ago now that was in that situation, he had a couple of kids and his wife was having an affair, he found out and they split up,she divorced him, moved her BF in and then moved to her parents 500 miles away with the kids which meant he couldn't get to see them unless he quit his job and moved, he then got posted overseas with his job and ended up staying in a different country. He got into a new relationship couple of years later and never told her about the kids he had. He told me after being with her two years that she didn't know and I asked him why not and he said he just didn't want to go there, it was too painful to deal with, he didn't want to talk about it, explain it, get judged for it when he didn't do anything wrong. Basically he went into a hole and never dealt with it and just burried that part of his life away

Like the OP said, he was going to tell her but just kept postponing it, don't think he ever did tell her