Just want a girlfriend, but I ruin it myself.

[Yashi]

Don't even know what advice I want or what would help at all..
I'm 21, student, never had a girlfriend. I've unsuccessfully confessed to 2 girls. Actually I'm still into the second girl right now, she rejected me, though she doesn't avoid me at all, but nothing's probably going to happen the way I am.

Thing is, I've been so bored with life for years because pretty much everything I do I do alone. I don't feel motivated to go out with friends, I pretty much didn't do that for 99% of my whole life, I can't bring myself to be interested in any "active" outside activities while alone or even with friends. Everything just bores me.
I do act pretty normal in daily life, at university and stuff, and I enjoy my studies, I'm even one of the best, but once the day is over and I'm home alone again I just don't know what to do with myself, watch a lot of series or do some things I'm at least half interested in or do nothing and think about how I hate being alone.

It's just I really want to have someone who I can romantically like and who likes me back, who's not bothered by me thinking about her all day. Who I can try to understand and who likes good and bad sides of me. I'd love to spend my time with a girlfriend and would probably have a lot of fun going out too. But I just can't bring myself to have real fun doing the same with people I don't like in a romantical way. Let alone being with just a group of guys.
The 2 times I enjoyed the most in my life were probably these few seconds when I confessed to these girls I liked, before being turned down.
I do have friends I talk to and stuff, also some female ones, but all day I just think about how I'd rather have this girl I like around. Even at times I didn't know this girl, I was thinking about why can't there be someone who'd be my girlfriend.

I'm already trying hard to not be depressed, but I can't deny I am. Almost all the time. Which is probably one of the big reasons no girl really likes me. Sure, who'd want someone who has this depressed aura all the time.
Another one is I'm kind of dissatisfied with myself, personality, self-confidence.. I can't act really "free", much less than I'd want to at least. I can't express myself as freely as I'd like to and I worry about things like how stupid I must currently look like half of the day. I hate it, why can't I just stop that..
I also have a really hard time to start conversations or keep them going. I can talk perfectly normal if the opposite starts the conversation, but vice versa I feel unsure all the time, worry about do they even care etc. . So for my confessions I just went for asking about getting to know each other better.
I think at least my looks are nothing that keeps girls away from me.

Another thing which might make it hard is the way I develop interest.. Being outside seeing many girls, sure there's a few who I think look nice.. but I almost never feel like hey, I'd like to get to know her. After being turned down by the first girl years ago I was pretty much searching for a girl but couldn't find anyone I'd be interested in.
On the rare occassions I develop just a little interest, it exponentially grows really fast and I start to take it very serious and can't stop thinking about how I definitely don't want to mess anything up. This usually last very long, years. So I get depressed again.

I don't know what to do anymore. It's like impossible to get rid of these thoughts and even if I'm enjoying a moment for a time, it doesn't last very long before my thoughts go off again. It's been like that since for at least 5+ years now.

All I need is someone needing me =/

[VincenzoG91]

Right now, you're like a ghost. You need to step away from the computer a lot more, get outside and live life the fullest for a while. Get some exercise and breathe deeply. Have some fresh experiences. Start reaching out to other people in general. Do some volunteer work, or pick up a new hobby that requires you to deal with people face to face. Start talking to women... not painful confessions of inappropriate feelings after lengthy obsessions... just talk. And talk to a wide variety of women, not just the most hopelessly beautiful woman in your city. You're falling for total strangers based on nothing but looks, when you should be getting to know women at least casually and then zeroing in on ones with nice personalities. Don't even bother trying to talk about anything really serious and emotional until you have at least gotten better at small talk. Talk about the weather. Talk about popular television shows. Talk about celebrity gossip... some women find that topic especially interesting.

[lilhomie360]

I felt the same way before but be yourself you dont want to jump into bad relationship either because that person you want next to you can also make your life a living hell. I would suggest to go out and try something new like socializing eventually you will meet lot of females that might end up liking you. Remember bro what ever disappoint you now will make you stronger later do.