Boyfriend cheated... now what?

[falnangel]

Hi everyone,

I came here hoping to hear some advice because I'm kind of caught in the middle as to what I should do...
I'm 23 years old, and I've been with my boyfriend for 9 years now, but recently found out that he cheated on me (sexually with one [that I know of], but also emotionally with a least two other girls) recently over the past couple years. This comes as a big shock to me because I never thought he would be the type of guy to commit this, but evidently he is. He was incredibly emotional when I confronted him, and tells me he wants to do anything in order to work things out between us (we were set to move in together in a couple of months- he's in the process right now of buying "our" home). I know for a fact his friends had a great influence and even encouragement on the things that he did, so including that as well, how am I to ever trust him again? I love him so incredibly, I'm almost surprised how lightly I'm taking the fact that he cheated on me- I'm more sad about losing us, than I am mad about what he's done.

Can anyone give any solid advice? I know I am still young, but I feel I've invested almost a decade into this- would I be silly to throw it away?

[Yet another guy]

I think what you should ask yourself is, can you trust him. If you can't there isn't really any other option than leaving him.
Even if you think you can, I don't think you should go ahead with buying the house until you are certain of your feelings.

[leoben]

You wouldn't be the first woman who ignored cheating and kept on in a relationship because everything else was so good.

You are excusing his actions by blaming it on his friends though, and I think its unlikely that he won't cheat again in the future, especially since your not punishing him at all for it.

Up to you to decide if it's worth it.

[VincenzoG91]

Once a cheater, always a cheater. You should either make peace with that fact, or better yet, dump him and move on.

[Leo Lamaze]

You have to decide for yourself whether you can find it in your heart to ever trust him again... If you can, go into therapy immediately. I sincerely hope you make the right decision for yourself. My thoughts are with you...

[Awesome-O-5000]

Because you have a lot of time invested in each one another leaving will be hard, due to the 9 year relationship.

By accepting the fact that he cheated on you and pretending that nothing happened you are:
1. Telling him it's okay to cheat on you, and you won't do anything about it.
2. He can do whatever he wants (he's probably using the 9 years a leverage, that’s just what I think so he'll be able to keep you around)
3. And you are saying its okay that he violated your trust.

..............What VincenzoG91 said "once a cheater always a cheater" is right on the money. He WILL cheat on you in the future, sure not right off the bat, he'll probably wait a while, convince you he changed, he loves you, he will never do it again, and if he was drunk he'll blame it on the alcohol.

So what he learned from cheating on you for the first time would be that he'll need to be more careful next time so he won't get caught. But the moment he feels comfortable and knows he's alone and won't get caught he'll probably end up cheating, because he'll be thinking with the smaller head and not with the one on this shoulders and all that apologizing to you will go straight out the damn door.

I can't tell you what to do but leaving is your best bet. You are still young so don't limit yourself to just him...There are guys out there that just will not cheat, your bf (or ex bf) wasn’t one of them. Sorry

Hope things work out for you, and don't ignore the fact that he cheated. (and hold off on buying the house), and the "us" (you and your bf) in your relationship ended when he cheated on you.

[falnangel]

Wow.. thanks guys (and girls?) for the responses. I see pretty much everyone is pro leave him, and really you bring up some great points that I can't deny.

He was going to buy the house regardless, he was just counting on me to move with him, so I guess it'll just be a lonely four walls for him.

I guess I am giving him the vibe that cheating is alright to do by acting how I am, it's just hard to push my love for him away, incredibly hard. And to be honest, we broke up a year ago for a month because I suspected him cheating (turns out I was probably right), and he did the same thing- crying hard, showing up at my work, telling me he wants us to get married, and so on.. and look what happened in the past year. Hmm..

I think the reason i'm holding on is because i'm scared shitless of waking up at 40 and being alone... scary thought.

Good guys are just damn hard to find in this day and age.

[vashti]

I don't agree that "once a cheater, always a cheater" mentality. It's ridiculous to think that people can't learn from their mistakes. However, I still think you should consider moving on, regardless of how many years you spent together. You were just children when you started "going out", and you are likely just outgrowing each other.

[falnangel]

Thanks vashti,

That's heartbreaking to read, but I know you may be right.

[VincenzoG91]

I don't agree that "once a cheater, always a cheater" mentality. It's ridiculous to think that people can't learn from their mistakes. However, I still think you should consider moving on, regardless of how many years you spent together. You were just children when you started "going out", and you are likely just outgrowing each other.

Sure, in theory, people can learn from their mistakes. But cheating is apparently a really hard mistake to learn from, maybe because it's so enjoyable for the cheater. Some cheaters don't even seem sorry about cheating, just sorry that they got caught.

[falnangel]

Very true ^^.. the way he was talking with his friend about it, he didn't seem sorry that he did it, just sorry that I found out.

Ah, boys..

[reeba]

Well I definitely wouldn't be moving in with him. So many people think moving in will solidify a rocky relationship. Just like so many people think having kids will solidify a rocky relationship.

All it does is make it worse when things go wrong. Hard to get out if you share a house/mortgage.

You have been dating since you were 14? You never got a chance to date anyone else. You have nothing to compare him to. How do you know that he is so great? In my book he is LOUSY. He cheated. And you know about 1 definitely and maybe 2 more? Who knows what else he has been up to that you don't know about.

[falnangel]

Well I definitely wouldn't be moving in with him. So many people think moving in will solidify a rocky relationship. Just like so many people think having kids will solidify a rocky relationship.

All it does is make it worse when things go wrong. Hard to get out if you share a house/mortgage.

You have been dating since you were 14? You never got a chance to date anyone else. You have nothing to compare him to. How do you know that he is so great? In my book he is LOUSY. He cheated. And you know about 1 definitely and maybe 2 more? Who knows what else he has been up to that you don't know about.

Thanks reeba,

You made very good points. And he's had two vegas trips with his buddies over the last couple years, so yes I'm sure there's probably a lot more that I don't know about..