Girlfriend of 3 years just up and left...need advice

[adam4little]

Hello everyone, I need some advice.

Let me first start by saying that I have alot of experience in the dating realm at 24, and thought I had seen almost every kind of break-up: cheated on, fallen out of love, fighting too much etc. But this one throws a curve ball and I find myself acting obsessively trying to solve this 'mystery' without having a clear cut answer.

So my girlfriend and I dated for 3 years. Besides her being very jealous, and me being a bit flirty with other women (nothing serious I assure you...) we had an awesome relationship. She loved me and I loved her. Our families loved each other...everything was great. Well, last summer I moved home to live with my parents to save up money because she and I were going to move and to live with each other that fall. She got angry and we started fighting once I moved home. We had had one really bad fight before this where she had hit me (she hated that I had girls that were friends), but ever since I moved home the fighting would happen every sunday when she wasnt working like clock work. When I moved in, the relationship became very bi-polar. For a whole week we would get along-go out to dinner, write each other from work, cuddle at night...and then every sunday like clock work we would have some fight. The fights got worse and she got more physical. Once a week she would say she wanted out. Id say ok, and then the next night she would sit on my lap crying her eyes out saying I was her soulmate. So, 6 weeks ago, after a wonderful V-Day with her, I get really sick. Without going into too much info, my family doc tells me to come home because the symptoms I was showing were very severe (weight loss, appaetite loss, night sweats) So I had to leave my gf and move home for a few weeks while they did tests on me...after all a lymphoma cannot be diagnosed over night. So during this time I try and keep in touch with her, but she doesnt seem to care. All my friends are writing me daily on fb and email asking how the tests are going. She doesnt write me often and a week before I am about to go in for the final major test, she calls me in trashed and in tears saying she went to a concert and her friends ditched her. I talk to her and things are ok. Next day she calls me and says it is over. After this point she does not respond to my calls and only tells me in email I need to move out and to stop being a baby about the lymphoma. So because Im afraid of the possible cancer I might have, I put her on the back burner. Thank God the test comes back negative a week later and I feel for a day I have a new lease on life. So I return to the city we live in, and she has packed my stuff and is so rotten to me. She says if I dont get off the lease she will make my life a living hell. I ask her why this is happening and she cant say, when I ask her if it is over another man she says no and then says 'if it was it isnt your business anymore.' So she says she never wants to see me again, and tells me to move out while she is at work. While moving out, I noticed a card lying on the floor from Victoria Secrets. Inside is a receipt for a new bra fitting, 4 push up bras, and 4 lacey thing panties. In the bedroom is a bottle of KY warming gel (not the kind you can use for penetration just the massage stuff). My heart sinks and so I ask her again what is going on and she freaks out and tells me I need to leave her alone. So, I move out and go live on my brothers couch up the street where I am now. I have to walk by our old apartment to go to the grocery store and notice she never sleeps at home anymore and when I have asked her about this she never answers.

I am at the point where I dont want to be with her. I will never take her back. She has hurt me. I have just gone into an obsessive mode where I cant leave her alone. Its like I NEED to know why this is happening. I text her, call her, email her trying to get an answer, but she just doesnt respond. So..yeah I obviously dont want to be the crazy guy...becaue honestly I neve rhave before....but why is this happening? I dont get it. I suspect another man...but even if it is another what good will it do to find out? It wont....How can I move on? I have deleted her number from my phone, blocked her on fb and try to walk to Trader Joe's via a different far more dangerous route...all to try and forget her but it is so hard. I dont get how someone can love you so intensly and then just cut you off and not care about you and love you...let alone are about your health and well being. You think I would be estastic getting a good diagnosis-so many people arent so lucky everyday-and yet I cant stop thinking about this situation and I feel selfish. Advice please. Sorry for the length.- Adam

[adam4little]

PS. There was one last convo we had a week ago that was good. She just basically said that we're too young to be so serious and we both need to grow on our own before we can commit to people. She said she was very sad about the break up but she felt it needed to happen. I then stupidly said 'well my aunt and uncle dated in college and got back togehter in their 40s...maybe we will too..' and she said 'lets not get ahead of ourselves...lets just take it one day at a time..' I dunno....I dont know how I feel. I miss her. Please be blunt with me. I need it

[adam4little]

Anyone help me? Please

[flynhayn]

Obviously your flirting was a huge factor in this fallout. Doesn't matter how you justify it, once a girl you're involved with catches you with a roaming eye, it messes up her trust for you. It immediately makes her feel like she's not enough to keep your attention. Hence, her not liking your casual female friends, and her not being happy with you away from her (can't trust that you wont keep flirting, or worse). So even if it's meaningless for you, don't do it. Relationships 101, man.

This is a clear cut case of leave-it-alone time that needs to happen... both for her, and for you. With all the issues that have sprung up, the last thing on your mind should be ATTEMPTING any reconciliation right now. Remember that time fixes everything.... it may not always fix things the way you want it to, but how it's supposed to. It's hard, I know. I've had to go through it a million times, and I am going through it again right now. But it never fails.

Things are way too hot right now. Confusing, frustrating, and misleading. There's too much assumption and mind-gaming going back and forth. Once you step back and give things some time to cool off and come together, you'll know where you need to be, you'll know what you need to do, and you'll know how you really feel. And so will she.