developing feelings for a guy with a girlfriend

[confused lisa]

I'm going to try to give all the info that I think is pertinent here so that I can get honest feed back. I hope that I haven't droned on and I appreciate your comments.

Here are the facts:
I have known this guy for over 10 years and there has always been an attraction between us, but we've never been single at the same time.
Our teenage kids really like the each other and other - my son likes him and his daughter likes me.
We have always been there for each other when one of us is in need.
We've become pretty close friends over the last 2+ years.
We have always flirted with each other.

his girlfriend:
He's been with Mary for about 5 years. His daughter does not like her and she is not good with her. None of his friends like her. In fact, I am the only one who isn't telling him on a regular basis to get away from her. I have always told him that it's not my place to judge his relationship and I believe that he needs to do what's best for him and his daughter. Mary was laid off last year and he has felt responsible for taking care of her. He has made it clear to everyone that he doesn't see himself as ever marrying her and that this was not intended to be a forever type relationship.

the progression:
We don't talk and Mary and their relationship often, but he has said some things, for example;
He told me two years ago that he didn't know why he was still with her. A little over a year ago he told me that he doesn't feel loved or appreciated by Mary. Then almost a month ago that he has decided it's over and he's moving out on his birthday (next month). About two weeks ago he started intensely flirting with me and we've talked, texted or im'd everyday. We have started hanging out together a little bit more than in the past and when we do, he seems more conscious of doing things like opening doors for me and other little things.

my feelings:
I really like this guy. I find myself more attracted to him that I have felt in many years. I could actually see myself with him. He has always me me feel special and amazing in general.
Because of my principals and that fact that I believe that I could have real feelings for him, I will do nothing more than flirt with him so long as Mary is anywhere in the picture. I also do not want to be any kind of rebound, so have made the decision that I will not get involved with him until he's been single for 3 months.

We have not had any serious conversations about 'us' but there are frequent comments about how things would be, if... I think it's pre-mature to do this while Mary is still around because his relationship with her has nothing to do with me and I do not have any need or desire to be involved in it or its end. If he were to stay with her forever, I would still be his friend and always there for him and I'm sure be happy with someone else.

my question:
Am I being foolish by allowing myself to develop feelings for this guy right now?

[confused lisa]

I would really love to have feed back of any kind here. Because his pertains to a to a friend, I really don't feel that it's a good idea to talk with any of my other friends at this point. Thanks

[Spring Haze]

Feelings can't be turned off and on by the flick of a switch, so no they are not foolish. Bad timing maybe, but not foolish. What would be foolish is if you were to act out on them.

[confused lisa]

thank you. That helps a lot.

[Rabbitt]

You 2 belong together.





P.S. Kill Mary

[hello1]

You are wasting your time. You said yourself he been told for ages by friends to dump his girlfriend and he never has! does that tell you something? he may moan about her to you, may say he regrets being with her etc but he never left her, he loves her.

You need to find a single man. Don't be pathetic and wait for someone left overs

[confused lisa]

Rabbitt - I don't know that I would go that far, but i guess that anything is possible. Only time will tell if there will ever be anything morw than our friendship between us :-)
hello1 - He is my friend and I'm not pursuing him, waiting around for me, or anything else like that. He very well may love her and stay with her forever, and if that's the case, I will continue on with my life as I always have, but I will always be his friend. It's been fun flirting with him these last few weeks, but that's all it is. I am by no mean hung up on the guy, nor am I in love with him - I'm just starting to really like him more than I have in the past and am thinking that there may be potential there. If opportunities arise for me to date someone else, I will. I have no intention of waiting for him to leave her or anything like that. I have been on several dates with several single guys and have yet to connect with any of them as of yet, but don't intend to stop looking. I am also not throwing myself at him or chasing after him, he's the one who has initiated the changes in our conversations. Whatever happens, I'm perfectly alright with it.

Thank you both very much for your thoughts.

[blinki]

you said:

my question:
Am I being foolish by allowing myself to develop feelings for this guy right now?

my answer:
back off. really.

[confused lisa]

blinki, thank you for your thoughts. I have concluded that I will diminish the flirting and focus on the friendship. He needs to determine what he wants in regards to Mary. He is my friend, always will be, and if that's all there ever is between us, that's fine with me. I'm happy with my life as it is and don't need him to add complications.

[blinki]

lisa, sorry if i sounded harsh when i wrote that, i did mean it, but i just read it and it sounded harsh. i was drinking when i wrote that, so i probably could have worded it a better way!

[confused lisa]

blinki, no worries :-) It did come out a little harsh, but it's all good.