Very confused with what to do

[StayingPositive]

Hello all, I appreciate anyone who reads this as I am looking for any help I can get lately. To start off, I met this girl around last summer. I am 26 and she is 23. We hit it off very well and she would text me everyday while she was work and we would talk about just a lot of different things,getting to know one another better. We started hanging out more, going out to dinner,just sitting around watching movies,cuddling and going out with friends. After several months we started talking about possibly making it exclusive that we were together but she wanted to get to know me more before she was sure of this,which I was of course totally fine with. She seemed sort of reserved/cautious that she didnt want to get hurt as she had said she been hurt many times in the past so she said. Well one night we are out at the bar and I get a bit too intoxicated and in the back of the cab ride home I just completely lose it and go off and yelling at her for basically no reason at all.
I of course wake up in the morning and just think to myself "wtf have I done".We dont talk for about 2 days after this and when we finally do she pretty much says we should just be friends. I am obviously disappointed but can understand why she feels this way after the way I acted the previous night. I am lost as I was start to really gain feelings for this girl,however it is my fault and cannot blame anyone,so I just try to keep my head up and just continue with my life,meeting several new girls. However none that are serious at all. Fast forward to Nov/Dec we start talking again and hanging out slowly. Over the course of 1 1/2-2 months neither of us says anything about trying "us" out again. I ask her what she considers us one night and she says we are good being friends, I just say yeah thats cool.
I still hang out with this girl but pretty much have given up any trying to be together.Around new years I go with a girl I have known on a trip to Florida. While Im there she texts me and I tell her Im with this girl because I feel no need to hide this since she said we are friends. She doesnt say anything back but the next morning texts me saying she cant believe I hurt her and just going on and on about being there with this girl after she clearly said we are good being friends.
I am completely baffled at this point,she says she was starting to have feelings for me again but was keeping to herself and was scared to be happy basically. When I get back we end up hanging out here and there and several times leading up to march I again just completely lose my temper on her when we drunk b/c it just feels like shes doing this same thing acting like she wants to be something but always just saying lets just be friends when its clear in the way she acts that she cares for me.
At this point now I still care about her more than any girl I have ever been interested in but I cant continue to go on this emotional roller coaster. I realize I push her away everytime by losing my temper and also at times seeming needy when we first start hanging out again. I have recently quit drinking altogether b/c I have realized its just not healthy for me in anyway.
I feel that there has to be something between us or we wouldnt go back to hanging out again every few months. My question is there anyway that I can make her feel for me the way she esp. did when we first met or should I just give up and move on and not make these same mistakes with the next person?? Any advice is greatly appreciated!

[steviej]

I think you've been far too timid with this girl and you know it, which is why you've yelled at her when your frustration boils over.

She's been allowed to call all the shots and you've been passive to it and gone along with whatever she has said. You are her emotional boyfriend, there to do all the support and everyday things but without the physical side. She's got all jealous when you went away with that other girl, threw you a 'i was secretly starting to like you' line to reel you back in with hope you'll get together sometime.

You need to move out of the friend zone. If she isn't willing to take it further then cut contact with her, let her see what she's missing.

[StayingPositive]

Thanks for your reply Stevie, I was just starting to do this exact thing, I havent contacted her in 3-4 days and was just gonna continue to do this for about a month. Of course if she initiates contact with me I woulnt ignore her but just gonna try to be as short as possible for now. Im just gonna go out have fun and be with friends over the next month. After the month is up possibly call her and see if she wants to do something simple like go to lunch. Does this sound like an idea that could possibly turn good results or not at all?

[confused lisa]

Have you had an honest talk with her about all of this? It doesn't have to be too in depth, just like - 'I feel like we could have something together, but we're going about it wrong. I'm being timid to the point that I end up bottling my feelings and blowing up because I know that you have been hurt and you aren't being honest about your feelings for me either because your afraid of being hurt. Let's start with making it clear that I do not intend to hurt you. Can we go to lunch and see how it works if we actually try dating, not just hanging out?'
Not drinking too much is very important and will really help here, I agree.
If you just become quiet or distant, it may cause her to become more self conscious and hesitant, to close off from you and end your chances for the future.
I think that you need to make it clear that you want to date her and not continue this cycle of hanging out and developing feelings for each other and letting it fall apart. It says a lot to a girl, especially one who has a history of being hurt, for you to make it clear to her that you like her enough to work past this and that she means enough to you that you're not going to just give up. I don't know how much sense that makes, but it's the truth.
Good luck!

[devonbrown]

Frankly, I think you are probably better off just being friends with this girl. It doesn't seem like the love gods have your back on this one.
Getting drunk and screaming at her once would probably be enough for most people to back off. Doing it twice is a definite and gigantic red flag. The fact that you two keep hanging out and starting things up again makes me think this could be a case of addiction to each other. Or at least to the excitement the other one brings you.
I also agree with lisa. It sounds like she is trying to use "signs" and "signals" to display how she feels, when her words are different. It may be time to have one of the big "talks" with her and get everything in the open.

Good luck.