Torn

[flotsam]

I broke up with my girlfriend of a little more than a year. We went out a long time ago, and after my wife died, we reconnected.
It has been wonderful but not without its problems. She is terrible with money and had debts she could not repay when we got together. I knew about that, but thought she would take care of them.
If we did anything or went anywhere, I paid for it, and helped her when she had no money. When she had a fire in her house, I let her live with me for about 5 months while repairs were made. When her truck died 4 hours away, I drove over and got her then helped her get another vehicle. I took her on a nice vacation to Mexico over the holidays. I'm not keeping a tally, but I kept thinking she would eventually contribute to the relationship by building a partnership. I realize love is not a business arrangement but when you are talking about living together, and working towards it, I don't want to feel like I'm the only one hauling the load. I don't want to work for the rest of my life, but it looks like if I stay with her that's what I am facing.
She has credit card debt of at least $5,000, and I think there's more out there. I got tired of talking about it with her.
After being out of work, and trying a few money-making schemes, she got a job in January. Then her check got garnished to collect on the $5,000, then she lost her job.
Knowing I have grown more frustrated with the situation, she texted me and said "I release you. Don't feel bad. I understand."
I confirmed it was for the best. My wife had cancer for several years, and we always had that hanging overhead, knowing it would return but not knowing when.
I have to get stuff back to her today and I don't look forward to it because I know we both will break down. I love her dearly but her money situation has become more and more of a problem. I'm afraid I will cave in today and try to get back together.
This is almost like my wife's death again.
I'm not afraid of being alone. I was told right before we broke up that someone was interested in me. I'm not going to jump on that situation, but it reminded me that I could be a good catch for someone else.
So I'm trying to tie myself to the mast to prevent myself from being lured back to shore. Not sure I'll be able to resist.

[Bonfire]

If we did anything or went anywhere, I paid for it, and helped her when she had no money. When she had a fire in her house, I let her live with me for about 5 months while repairs were made. When her truck died 4 hours away, I drove over and got her then helped her get another vehicle. I took her on a nice vacation to Mexico over the holidays. I'm not keeping a tally, but I kept thinking she would eventually contribute to the relationship by building a partnership.

I was raised in the old fashion way that I treat the ladies. So I don't really see this as a problem. Of course today, everything seems to be split. Not that it's a bad thing but we shouldn't make money a big deciding factor. It really depends on the person you are treating. If you believe the person is only down on their luck in life and you believe one day they will bounce back financially on their own, then there is no problem treating them. But if you think they are only using you for your money, then I would cut them loose. You'll have to be the judge of character and whether they are worth your time and money.

[smackie9]

Instead of paying her way or "Helping" her out with cash, you could have paid for some financial counseling sessions for her so she can learn to manage her money properly and consolidate those bills into one easy monthly payment. All you were doing was enabling her, no different than supporting some one's drug or gambling habit. You could suggest the counseling to her, rather than throw in the towel.

Tip: some credit card companies are willing to make a compromise and take a lesser amount in order to get paid....all it takes is a few phone calls and some aggressive bargaining.

[devonbrown]

Was there a question for us in there somewhere?

At this point in your life, things like financial stability become more important, so your concern is understandable. The debt shouldn't be the major issue though, it should be how she handles her financial responsibilities now. It sounds like you have supported her with some major issues, which is a good thing. If you feel strongly for her, then sit down with her and see if you can work through some of these issues together. Share with her your knowledge and experience. If not, then the breakup is probably for the best.

Also, I am sure I read this differently than how you meant it, but if I did read it correctly, you may want to re-examine your priorities:

This is almost like my wife's death again.

A breakup over money versus losing your wife to cancer? I understand medical bills and stuff hang over people's heads, but it really seems like apples and oranges to me.

Good luck.

[flotsam]

She was offered a chance to settle the debt for about 20 percent, but she let it pass and believed they would give up on collecting it. I had warned her the garnishment would happen but she didn't believe me.
No, the breakup isn't actually as traumatic as my wife's death, but it has brought back memories and feelings from that chapter in my life that has taken a lot of work to overcome.
She has been down on her luck, but doesn't seem to do anything to work her way out of it. She will not go to an employment agency. She only wants to send out resumes by email.

[smackie9]

If that is the case , the "down on her luck" has been brought upon herself from lack of accountability and taking responsibility. She rather sponge off of others to take care of business to solve her problems. You have made the best decision to end this relationship.

[reeba]

Be prepared when you are in a relationship going poorly to basically go back into mourning. Broken heart is a lot like mourning. Also, when in a poor relationship you tend to reflect on how good thing were back when your wife was alive.

[MerryH]

I think you concerned yourself way too much with her financial issues. Can you explain how it was your problem? If you're bailing her out of her debt and supporting her financially, that's your mistake.

I can see why you wouldn't want to continue a relationship with someone who doesn't have their shit together so it's for the best that you broke up, but you should have let her handle her own problems. She had only been your girlfriend for a year, or whatever. I think you were out of line in trying to manage her finances.