Best Friend

[jeka]

Hi. I feel really confused.
I'm with my boyfriend for over a year now. He moved in almost 6 month ago. After about 2 month of living together I started to feel that that spark was disappearing. I presumed that the reason for this was us spending too much time together. But then things changed... About 2 weeks ago I noticed that I can’t stop thinking about my best friend. We used to date a long time ago but then we broke up cause my feelings weren’t moving forward. After we broke up we quickly became the bestest friends. I don’t know why I started to like him again but it is really strong and I just can’t ignore it. Anyways. I have a chance to move away. Do you think I should leave everything and try to figure out thing with my boyfriend from distance? Or should I stay and face the consequence? I won’t date my friend cause I don’t want to hurt him again, and now there is a really nice girl who likes him(they don’t date yet but you can see from a mile that she likes him) and I think he will be really happy with her. I know that I am the one who messed everything up and I deserve it but it hurts so much. Please help

[smackie9]

OK this is what is going on. You are frickin bored! You have become comfortable, and this happens to all relationships, especially when you move in together so soon. So basically anything, like your friend, looks real good atm.....as the expression goes "the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence" meaning things may look better but it's an illusion brought on by your lack of interest from where you are standing. My advice, let your friend be. You already know when in a relationship with him, the feelings fell flat, so why revisit that again. More than likely your friend will say no to avoid getting hurt anyways.

Now is the time to talk to your BF about how you feel. Discuss things you could do to give each other space by spending time away from each other on weekends. You could plan trips with your GF's or stay at a friends place, or visit someone out of town. Next, try new activities together on your down time like indoor rock climbing, or take a cooking class together, or join a co-ed sports team, etc. Do things that challenges you both. Now if none of this works then I suggest moving out, and getting your own place. That will help you both reassess where your relationship stands. There's a possibility it has just ran it's course and there is no point in continuing.

[smackie9]

*note: There is a beginning part of a relationship that is called the "honeymoon stage" which lasts anywhere from 6 months to a year and a half. This is the infatuation period where you can't get enough of each other, their flaws are brushed aside, and you spend all your time together.....it does wear off. If you don't have a lot of interests and things in common, your relationship is doomed. That is why I suggest bringing in new things into your relationship to see if it can bring on this compatibility that will help you reconnect with your BF. But I fear it maybe too late because you haven't even been together for a year and already you are desiring to get out to pursue someone else

[jeka]

Thanx. I was thinking about moving away so I could figure out if I still like my bf or not, and to get my friend out of my head, obvioustly. I don't want to date him cause I know that I will do exactly the same thing again. But I'll try to do what you said. Just one question. Should I stay away from my friend or it won't make diference?

Btw I like people who are brutally honest =)

[smackie9]

Maybe this will help.......how about helping your friend to hook up with this girl that seems to like him so you can completely remove your feelings from him. I wouldn't completely cut off communication from your friend. Maybe just explain to him that you won't be spending any time with him for awhile so you can focus more on your relationship with your BF and then go from there.

[kezzy]

Please don't move away to make things better

I thoought moving away form my family and finally being with my boy permanently would sort out all of my life problems, i dreamed of moving away for years, plotted my escape if you will

But in honesty all i did was run away form the problems, and now things have not worked out like the fairytale i had hoped, as well as all the other problems I now have with a complicated break up and ex situation, the issues that I had to start with that i thought I got away from, well they followed me

Please please face your problems

Maybe your bf feels like you are keeping him back from seeing his friends even though you aren't (i presume) maybe encourage him to go out with just his buddies, I wish I'd done that before

My ex said even though i didnt stop him doing stuff he felt like i did because he didnt want to leave me out

And maybe its the same for you if you have your own friends and interests, maybe ask him hey would you mind me doing this this day, and you gould do that with your friends ... that evening you'd have loads to talk about and maybe it will bring back a little spark

Good luck xx

[jeka]

I already do help. I give him advice and everything. I even brought my PC to the place he works so he could talk to her when he’s on a break (though he never asked). The only problem is I'm not sure does he like her or not. When I ask him sometimes he says that he does but others he says that he doesn't. I wish things between them could work out since she is the nicest girl he ever introduced to me.

[jeka]

We do spend time apart. Sometimes he hangs out with his buddies and I go out with my friends. But I still get tired of him most of time. And I want to move to the city right next to mine so we can be a bit away from each other. Though I’m not sure should I and would it solve anything. That’s why I’m here asking for help.

[kezzy]

I guess if its only the next city its not so bad

I thought you meant moving a long way away or soemthing,

maybe a break might help? Make you both realise if you miss eachother or if your quite happy without eachother...and this would have the same effect but not so permanent as moving away? xx

[jeka]

Well maybe a break would help but since we leave together I don't think that he will agree to that, but if I move to another city he can't stop me. I was thinking about fixing things with him from distance and see how it goes. If things go right than maybe we could try to move in together again in about 1 or 2 years.

[smackie9]

Well maybe a break would help but since we leave together I don't think that he will agree to that, but if I move to another city he can't stop me. I was thinking about fixing things with him from distance and see how it goes. If things go right than maybe we could try to move in together again in about 1 or 2 years.

More than likely it's going to blow your relationship apart. You are just taking a step backwards instead of forward. With relationships you can't fix things from a distance. You need good communication and work on it together....this is the only way to keep a relationship rock solid. I feel there is more to what you are telling us. It feels you want your freedom but are afraid to leave because you don't want to hurt him. If this is true it's better to just end it. Dragging it on from a distance is just going to hurt him way more. It will be like a long slow painful death. It will cause so much doubt and heartache for him.

[jeka]

I don’t want my freedom, but I do like to have my space. I mean like have my stuff tidied up and have some “me time” – take a long bath for example. I already told him about all of this but I still have him throwing his close all over the place and knocking on my bathroom door cause he’s bored. Maybe if he lived along for some time he would learn to be neater. Besides, I want to miss him like I used to, I want to enjoy spending time with him. The place I want to move to is like 40 minutes away from where I am now so moving would be the same as going back to dating again, and basically you’re right it is taking a step backwards. But then again, even if it helped and the dating stage would go right, would it work out if we moved back together?
I already talked to him about the advice you gave and he agreed to it. We’ll try to do new stuff together and we’ll see how it goes =) Hope it will work.

[smackie9]

There are layers of issues in your relationship and living separately will not make them go away. You have to sit him down and discuss the issues you have at length and work on them head on and whatever ones he has with you. If he doesn't feel he should make any effort to make any changes, or both of you can't come to any compromise then you pretty much have no future together.