Please help me with my muslim man

[rachuk]

Hello...this is my first post here...as I really need some advise and am so desperate for answers :-(

I have been seeing a pakistani muslim man for over a year now...at first it was wonderful...he was constanly texting me...calling me...we had a connection we both admitted too, but knew because of his background, and not being able to really have girlfriends we would become friends. However...yes we were sleeping with other and doing the usual gf/bf things such as going out etc.

He used to constantly tell me how "we look good together" "how one day he will take me to pakistan" etc etc

He is one day older than me and its like looking at ourselves when we look at each other...for a time we thought we were twin flames...anyway...a family member of his passed away last year...I was the first he told about it...so he went home for a month...he returned a completely different person...distant etc...but said this was because he was so depressed about losing his mother (i quite understood this).

He used to hold me in his arms, and around this time last year told me he loved me...but then back tracked and said as a friend! however, I used to always see in his eyes the love he had for me, and we carried on as usual.

As I thought he loved me...but because of his religion, I understand when you love a women you have to marry her asap...I revealed my feelings to him in a letter.

After this...he has limited contact...and gone in his cave...he says he is confused with his feelings for me, and does not know if he sees me as a life partner or not...he says I have all the values he is looking for but at the moment is not sure if it is love...this I cant beleive...he has become jealous before when I was out for dinner with other men..has threatned to beat men up if they ever try and make a move on me...has a go at me when I have not gone to him for help etc...and still says there is a connection...he says he cares and does not wanna lose me....he says that it could happen with time as not everyone falls in love at the same speed...but now does not wanna see me as much (so love will ever progress for him) He has told me to keep my options open just in case it does not happen....I think this may again have something to do with his culture (arranged marriages etc)

I am so confused...I miss what we had...as nothing as really gone wrong...he was my best friend...where time used to stand still when we were together (and again..this was hi words..not mine).

Some people will say move on...he dont love u...but being in the situation...I think he does love me...but is confused...thats why he has gone distant to reflect on his feelings...and is giving me no guarantees just in case he has to have a arranged marriage...he brought me a quran...as if to show me to his religion...and keeps saying if its gods will we will be together then it will happen...surely if a guy wants you out of their life...they would not feed this bull s*** to a women!!

Please ...I am so confused right now...and have never been in this situation before ....please!!!!!

Thanks,

[BackUpOrGetStng]

surely if a guy wants you out of their life...they would not feed this bull s*** to a women!

Do you still treat him like a boyfriend? Are you still sleeping with him? Then yes, they will feed it to you.

Don't fall for it. I don't care who died, doesn't allow him to hold you emotionally hostage. He's got his cake and eating it too. Break up completely with him, tell him to figure out what he wants, and you'll consider taking him back if you're still available. Let him know that you'll be dating around until then, and won't let a good man pass you by.

Or you can STFU and deal with it.

[rachuk]

no he has banned any sexual contact with me untill he knows how he feels....the last time we had sexual contact was last week after discussing this situation...afterwards he said he had some feelings....and has now banned sex...I am thinking he is becomming scared of his feelings and is backing off now....but now this banning of sex is making my screwed up mind thinking he has someone else on the go :-(

[BackUpOrGetStng]

None of this changes a single word of my advice. He needs to figure out his feelings alone, and not string you along. Since you now realize this now, you need to cut it off, or you deserve whatever treatment you get from him. Do something about it, or stop complaining and enjoy it.

He needs to see what life is like without you, so tell him not to contact you at all until he knows he wants to be with you. In the mean time, go talk to one of the guys you went to dinner with recently, or anyone really to keep your mind off your b/f(using the term very loosely).

[Incognito]

Its funny to see that the drama never dies down at LF.

Anyway, rachuk, I think you should read another thread that was posted here by another woman who was just about in your exact situation. It is very telling. It seems to me that if you are a woman, and are not muslim that you should either NOT date a muslim seriously or only date a muslim who isn't practicing. Here are the links. The first is the original thread, the second is an update by the original poster regarding the situation.
[URL="http://www.loveforum.net/ask-male-forum/50002-what-does-mean.html"]http://www.loveforum.net/ask-male-forum/50002-what-does-mean.html[/URL]
[URL="http://www.loveforum.net/broken-hearts-forum/50226-update-what-does-mean.html"]http://www.loveforum.net/broken-hearts-forum/50226-update-what-does-mean.html[/URL]

[rachuk]

Thanks for the links.

What you say aboout islam is true....he brought me a Quran, and even discussed the religious side of things...am I being indenial to the fact that he has distanced himself to ...for example...access his feelings for me....or has distanced caus he really could not care less about me and wants me out of life?

:-(

[sadie_genie]

If the problem lies in religious differences, you would think he would bring it up with you, right? He should have made it very clear, you would have to convert to marry him. Has he had any serious conversation regarding such matter? Marriage obviously isn't on his mind. How long have you been dating him? If it hasn't been long (a few years) then it is not surprising he has doubts. But if it has been a long term relationship then I can tell you, he does not see you as wife material and it is not worth waiting for him.

[rachuk]

We started seeing each other 16 mnths ago...he says I have everything he is looking for in a women...and connection with me but just confused over his aactual feelings...I am wondering if this is the cause of his distance....as he only started behaving like thsi as soon aas I revealed my feelings to him!!! Reaallly wish I didn't now! Think I scared him...and for a muslim man to actually love aa women they have to marry them asap...maybe this why he holding baaack...then again maybe he just hates me

[Incognito]

From reading your account of the events that took place I think that he does have feelings for you. However I'm willing to bet that his trip back to his country was sobering for him. He was probably reminded by friends/family of 'how things are' and all that goes along with it. I can't sit here and tell you that I know all the ins and outs of Islam, because I don't. What I do know is based on the experiences of others. From what I know Muslim men are "allowed" to have sexual relationships with other women, but when it comes down to marrying a woman she has to be Muslim. (Oddly enough THAT notion right there should tell you how women are often treated in the Muslim world, and converting/marrying as a woman after growing up in another culture would be rather difficult) There are also Muslims who only pay lip service to their religion and have more "Western" views, but he doesn't sound like one of them.

Unless you do some serious research and find out what you'll be getting yourself into if you convert and marry I'd suggest simply moving on. After all if you aren't planning on marrying this guy (or vice-versa) what are you doing? If you plan on marrying him you'll have to convert, and if you convert to had better know what you're getting yourself into. Read both of the threads I posted when you get a chance.

[rachuk]

Thanks for your advise....after to hearing me mumble on....do you think its best I dont contact him and let him come to me? Its just I feel he's slipping away and there is nothing I can do :-( He also said that he does not want me asking about his confusion or feelings which I found strange...its as though he really is trying to deny himself :-(

thanks again and I am sorry for keep going on about this

[Incognito]

I can't plan out your course of action step by step. You have to make the decisions that will affect your life. I do think that you should come to terms with the fact that you either have to break things off or possibly convert to Islam (or be his f*ck buddy). You have to make that decision and figure out how you need to go about realizing that decision. Remember, if I tell you to do something you have to deal with the consequences. That i why it is best for you to decide what you want and then figure out how you want to get there (i.e. break up, convert, or be a f*ck buddy).