is 15 minutes asking too much???

[shymaira]

I'm currently in a long distance relationship of a few months.

I just found out my dad has cancer stage 3. I told my bf I needed him to be there for me..since we're long distance, I wanted him to call me everyday for a week or two just so i could vent my frustration/sadness. My boyfriend agreed to be there for me.

Here's the problem. My boyfriend is a professional athlete. Before big games, he ends up staying over at the gym overnight...orders from his coach. He lost a couple of very important games in the last month. His coach thinks I am to blame (i am apparently a distraction for him or what not). Though my bf agreed to call me everyday, he said he wasn't able to cause his coach was really disappointed with his performance lately and locks up his phone in some locker room and sometimes keeps it from him for days. My bf needs to lose weight and basically his coach punishes him by keeping his phone from him. Because this next game in a week is his only chance of making it to the big leagues and he lost the last two in the past month.


I didn't hear from my bf for a couple days and I was really upset he didn't keep his word. Then I got an email from my bf's friend at the gym saying that the coach got angry and broke his phone and he is being watched 24-7 and can't call me, or even his parents, and he's really sorry. He told me to email his friend if I need to tell him anything.

I know my bf is planning on ending his ahtlete career in the near future, so I know that this stupid coach won't exist in his life forever. But the fact that he couldn't be there fore me when I really needed him drove me buzurks, and I feel I'm losing trust in him being there for him when I really need him the most. How do I know in the future he can't be there for me, due to some other person in his life like a nasty boss at work, etc? I wish he stood up to his coach and said enough is enough, but i know he's really scared of his coach.

Now I'm waiting for a week or so till after the game to talk to him. I'm not sure what I'm going to say, or how to handle it best. I'm not happy cause my needs arem't being met, i didn't think 15 minutes was asking too much from anyone... but at the same time, I really like this guy.

Any suggestions? What should I do?

[vashti]

I'm pretty sure if this were only 15 minute a day, the coach wouldn't have an issue. He's got some other things going on that perhaps you are unaware of. I think before you make a decision about whether or not to keep him, you need to get to the truth. He may be keeping info from you so as not to add to your stress level.

[HazelDesdemona]

I agree with vashti. That's sounds a bit exaggerated to me. I would recommend you two find the time to have an honest talk somewhere in the future. There may be other things going on in his life that he feels he needs to protect you from.

[devonbrown]

I can believe the bf's story. Coaches can become very militaristic in their running of a team. The thing of it is though is that your bf is a man and needs to act like a man. He didn't need to tell his coach off, but he should have either appealed to him to give him the 15 minutes a day, or worked through an assistant coach, or borrowed someone's phone or something like that. He isn't being watched 24/7, I can assure you of that, but he is probably afraid of breaking team rules. But when something is as important as life or death there has to be some humanity from the coach.

I wouldn't attack him with accusations when you see him, just give him a chance to apologize and explain. You can take it from there.

Good luck.

[shymaira]

I can believe the bf's story. Coaches can become very militaristic in their running of a team. The thing of it is though is that your bf is a man and needs to act like a man. He didn't need to tell his coach off, but he should have either appealed to him to give him the 15 minutes a day, or worked through an assistant coach, or borrowed someone's phone or something like that. He isn't being watched 24/7, I can assure you of that, but he is probably afraid of breaking team rules. But when something is as important as life or death there has to be some humanity from the coach.

I wouldn't attack him with accusations when you see him, just give him a chance to apologize and explain. You can take it from there.

Good luck.

hey Devon,

i would appreciate if you can give me a bit more of your opinion.

just to re-cap, my bf is a professional athlete (boxer )who didn't call me for 15 min a day like i asked him to when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I wrote him an email telling him how i really need him to be there for me, but he said he's really sorry he couldn't be there for me, blaming it all on his coach, and got his friend at the gym to send me a couple of emails throughout the past week. He said his coach broke his phone and he needed a new one. since he sleeps at the gym overnight, he could not call me at any other time either. When i asked him to call me and sent a phone card number to his friend at the gym, his friend contacted me back saying he really wants to call, but can't cause he's being watched 24-7 and his coach won't even let him call his parents. So i just bit my lip and i told him to not worry about me and to focus on the fight, and to call me after the fight was done. My bf asked me through his friend how my family was doing, but i never wrote back to that email. I figured we'd just talk after he fight was done.

Now it's been 3 days since the fight is over, and i still have not heard from him at all. Im not sure if he expected me to call and find out how it went, or if he is just avoiding me. I am also surprised because just 4 weeks ago he told me he was 100 percent sure he wanted to marry me,introduced me to his mom on webcam, and his friends, and was serious about me. This is our first real disagreement or argument, to be honest we were only dating for amay be 4 months (we get married fast in my culture)...and I'm not sure how he normally reacts or handles things in disagreements. He did call me the night before his coach broke his phone, but i was sleeping and didn't hear the phone ring.

In our relationship, i normally gave him some space (we talked every few days sometimes), but since my dad's diagnosis i really needed him to be there ...I am wondering if he sees me as too needy/clingy when i got angry that he wasn't giving me 15 minutes of his time everyday. i don't know if he is avoiding me, or if he lost the big fight and just needs some time to himself, or may be just isn't into me. I was hoping some input from another guy could tell me why he's not calling me back.

Should i pick up the phone and call him, or should i wait for his call? or should i just just move on?

=
Sara.

[Boisdevie]

If he really cares for you then he would tell his coach to get lost and he'd call you.

[Perez805]

he is probably over-whelmed. It's really hard dealing with someone you love who has a loved one with cancer. My mother was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer as well and i remember in the beginning so many people that were dear to me, were spending less and less time with me. I finally had to come to the terms that the sadness was taking over my life. I'm sure he loves you alot, he's just not sure how to comfort someone in such pain. Maybe there are other ways you can let out all of your emotions? maybe join a support group?

[allenleigh]

Hi Sara,

I think its best for you to call him, and get the answer once and for all. At least that way you will not keep on wondering whether he is really into you or not, and can decide to move on. You can assume a lot of things as to why he did not call you, and I'm sure you are assuming for the worst. Don't, it will only make it harder for you to cope with what you are facing now. For all you know, he might have problems of his own and is trying not to burden you with them.

Call him and have a chat. Don't ask why he never called, ask how has he been doing. That will at least help in starting the conversation in a positive tone.

All the best.

Cheers,
Allen

[MaidenMinx]

What a horrid time for you. I can understand why this would be getting to you.

My brother tried getting into pro fighting. He realised he didn't like the politics of it. It can be a horrible environment. If his Coach makes him sleep at the gym in preparation I think that would be so the coach can make sure he isn't smoking or drinking or screwing. Being a distance relationship talking to you would equate to screwing (sorry if you find that word crude, I know some people do). Talking to you would calm him down and relax him which is not the way he needs to go into a fight. He needs to be as wound up as possible. If he has lost the fight maybe the coach is punishing him further? Maybe email his friend and see how things are with him?

[violingirl]

I'd forget about him for the time being and focus on taking care of your dad, your family, and yourself. Family is THE most important thing in life. Boyfriends, girlfriends, work...all those should be secondary. Not to sound cruel, but it's possible you may lose your dad and spending all the time you can with him should be a priority. You boyfriend sounds like he has an awful lot of excuses. I'm not saying he's lying to you, but any man who really cared for his girl would be there to support her and tell his 'coach' to get lost.

[shymaira]

thanks everyone for your support and advice. you don't know how much it means ...i really, really appreciate it!

[Dune]

Well.. First off, do you take his word for it? As in if you trust that he is going through what he says he's going through, it could be a sticky situation for the both of you. I understand being there for each other is basic ground rules for a relationship. However, sometimes being in a relationship include accepting that there will be times where we have to fend for ourselves, or sometimes even give our mate some benefit of the doubt, all in the interest of maintaining the relationship. Give and take I guess.

Then again, 15 minutes isn't unreasonable at all. But if it is difficult for him to do that, have you tried exploring other means of communication? I mean, don't tell me your guy doesn't even have 15 minutes to himself. Does his coach follow him everywhere?!

PS. Sorry to hear about your dad.

[devonbrown]

Based on your follow-up, the fact that he didn't call after the fight is very telling. Unless he was knocked into a coma (hopefully not), he should have called. Granted, maybe your not responding to the last email from his friend is making him think that you are mad at him and that he shouldn't call. That is possible.

But, given the circumstances, I would say it is more likely that he is just moving away from you emotionally for some reason. Some people do not know how to handle bad news. That is one possibility. But there are countless other possibilities as well.

Basically, we are all just throwing out guesses here. You need to communicate with him. Give him a call and talk to him. Openly, honestly, but without accusations or anger. You can let him know you are upset, but don't attack him because that will probably just make him defensive and you still won't get your answers.

Whatever happens, remember that every relationship ends until the one that doesn't. Yet we always get through.

Good luck.

[Nicholas_V]

Wow! That's not a coach - more of a dominator! What's his name? Jack Bauer?

If his story is true, he shouldn't put up with such kind of treatment... Don't know anyone in their right mind who would...

[shymaira]

Thanks everyone for your feedback. i

just sent him a short email asking him how he's doing. I am hoping he'll get back to me so I can get some closure, but if I never hear from him again, I'll at least know its just not meant to be.

I really like Devon's saying "Whatever happens, remember that every relationship ends until the one that doesn't. Yet we always get through."... so true, and made me feel so much better. i really like this guy a lot, but if its not going to work now, then it won't work in the long term (and that is what I'm looking for!).

thanks again everyone. this forum is a great support network.