Need Help Communicating

[seganomics]

So I’m getting sick of being misinterpreted in my written communications.

I know there are some things I can’t control like a person’ s past that makes them immediately jump to conclusions, but I know I’m responsible for the amount of miscommunication in my written communications as well.

Basically what’s going on is a few people (guys for the most part) have told me I come off very manipulative and “girlfriendy” as they put it in emails and text messages. They feel like I’m whining, and trying to guilt trip them. But it’s nothing I do intentionally and now it’s costing me friendships. It’s something I’m willing to work on, but I don’t what steps I should take to help eliminate statements that could be taken negative and manipulative.

I’m considering either a color-coded system or attaching an audio file of me reading the email aloud so the recipient knows the intent behind statements made. These ideas are of course kind of silly but it’s all I got.

One big problem is I know I can have a very dark sarcastic sense of humor. Very dead pan and I’m going to try eliminating that from my written correspondences.

What other suggestions does Love Forum have to minimize miscommunication? I should point out this does not happen with work correspondence only with friends (and boyfriends) generally through texts and emails. I know the obvious answer is more in-person interaction but that isn’t always a possibility so other than that… what can I do?

[MerryH]

Care to give some examples?

"Manipulative and 'girlfriendy'" seems completely opposite "very dark sense of humor, very deadpan."

[MaidenMinx]

In all written communications you have to make sure all the time you are very clear. Avoid using sarcasm in the written form unless you can be bothered adding /sarcasm to every sarcastic statement. If you are joking add j/k. The only way you are going to clear up this problem is by making sure every written message can't be misinterpreted before you send it. Very boring and rather annoying, I know.

[seganomics]

A good example would be a recently ended an email with... "All I know is I'm never taking a day off again considering they seem to be filled with snow storms, broken bones, and chimerical arguments that are ending friendships."

My intent was a darker kinda 'daria-like' jab at how my life has been kinda rough these past few months. I was being humorous about the misfortunes that have happened.

My friend informed me that the statement comes off very 'poor me... look at the suffering you're adding to my already pitiful life'

I think the solution is to remove anything but straight and concise communication in emails and texts unless I feel like writing (jk) after every single sentence

[josette]

Maybe try toning it down. You write as if it's a novel. It's not. Be concise and brief.

[seganomics]

I think you're right. I need to just be more consise and less personal in my emails. What was happening was with a few friends that's how we would pass the time. Just write long winded entertaining emails. So they often read like novels to be entertaining.

But that does seem like it's no longer a good way to communicate. I think I'll save my anticdotes for in person meetings from now on for sure.

I just wish people used the damn telephone. I miss the days of having a conversation here or there with a friend.

[DarkHelmet82]

seg.. be impeccible with your word.. agreement #1

[seganomics]

ha ha ha I know. I write this post right before I read the book. And that like helped out a lot... even thuogh I think it's too late with the particular friend that's mad at me (no assumptions I know).

I'm going to use this stuff in the future because there has to be a point where it's something I'm doing because so many people have told me the same thing, and I just want to get past it.

[DarkHelmet82]

just do your best to change it. I find that being impeccible with your word is the easiest to do as it just requires honesty and the ability to forumulate words. ANother thing.. if you dont have anything to say dont say it... sometimes there is nothing wrong with being quiet.

[MerryH]

A good example would be a recently ended an email with... "All I know is I'm never taking a day off again considering they seem to be filled with snow storms, broken bones, and chimerical arguments that are ending friendships."

A couple of things would bother me about statements like this if they happen consistently. First, it's very negative. Most people don't like hearing negativity all the time. It's downright draining to have a Debbie Downer as a friend who always just bums you out. It's also draining to have a friend who always brings the conversation back around to themselves. So that's the second thing: Maybe you gripe about your life too much.

Occasional griping or funny negativity is fine.

I think the solution is to remove anything but straight and concise communication in emails and texts unless I feel like writing (jk) after every single sentence

Hm. I don't think writing "(jk)" at the end of that statement would have made it funny to him. If you had, then it would have read like this to him: "poor me... look at the suffering you're adding to my already pitiful life (jk)" Even if you were reading this aloud using your color-coded system (I know, you weren't really serious about that) I still think this would come across as "poor me." And also, "I'm still mad/not over it." But you were mad/not over it, right? So maybe you're not really being misunderstood.

I think you were being passive-aggressive by expressing some true feelings and labeling them as a joke.

I could be completely wrong, because I've managed to post a whole wall of text based on one sentence of a conversation that I was not a part of, but those are some things to consider. Negativity, griping, and passive aggression do not make for enjoyable conversation.




P.S. Also consider that in real life, Daria would never have had any friends after high school because the only time you can get away with that angsty, gloomy disposition is when you're a teenager. Don't emulate Daria. She sucks.

Good luck!

[Nicholas_V]

hm - I personally don't find anything wrong with your example email and the humorous/playful spirit is quite obvious to me. There is no sarcasm in there at all (how could it be - you're describing a personal situation - so, at best, you could only be self-sarcastic which I think can be quite elegant - within reason).

Are you sure that the misinterpretations are not person-specific? You know people come in all kinds of assortments - you can't please them all. Some will get you, some won't...

[seganomics]

Are you sure that the misinterpretations are not person-specific? You know people come in all kinds of assortments - you can't please them all. Some will get you, some won't...

I've thought this for years. And whenever some would bring it up I'd just justify it as such. It tends to be either people I've dated and I am no longer dating, or guys that I have feelings for, but do not have feelings for me. They all say the same thing. "You try to guilt people. You're manipulative. You start 'relationship' fights."

Unless there's a personality trait I'm attracted to that is also tied to unwillingness to commit I think the problem is me. And I think it's the way I communicate with those I have feelings for.

I think you were being passive-aggressive by expressing some true feelings and labeling them as a joke

That makes sense. When I wrote that response he had just told me he didn't think we could be friends. It was unexpected, and felt completely over-the-top dramatic to me.

Though I try really hard to not be a negative person. I really do. It's just that from November, life has been throwing a lot of punches. In hindsight I was trying to say "Really? you're going to do this after everything I tried to smile through. You're ridiculous." Which I guess is trying to cause guilt. I was hurt because I took it personally and then tried to poison him with my words (Darkhelmet my whole life is analyzed by that book now )

I felt like he was the one with the issues and instead of taking responsibility he was deflecting them on me... he was making ME feel guilty. he didn't want more than friendship. I never asked for more but instead of us communicating an agreement he assumed (nasty number 3 right Dark?) my intentions when I told him I didn't want to hang out with him and his friend together. He took my bluntness as anger and feared I just wanted to hang out with him because of my feelings and at that point something about my writing style opened up to the interpretation to that of a unsatisfied girlfriend-like entity. That I was upset he didn't want "us" time and so the story goes.

When in reality. I don't have that much fun hanging out with the two of them together. Didn't want to on such short notice. And I had an easter basket for the friend I like and not one for the friend I'm just friends with. I was irritated at the dissolution of the original plan and in hindsight I should of had a coke and shut the hell up.

Which I think I might be the first step. Don't write anything if I have any emotions in my system at all. I know that sounds stupid. But when you're irritated your writing could very well reflect that. Had I slept on it I probably wouldn't have said anything and I would not be writing this post right now.

But everything happens for a reason. Because I think it's really important I work on this for future relationships. I can't keep losing people this way. My thoughts are I can clear a lot of this up by just keeping my emotions in check. If they aren't there in to begin with then any interpretation is pure speculation and their burden to bear.

After that just live by the four agreements and realize that if I'm doing my best and people are still seeing me that way I can't take it personally. It's something in their wiring at that point.

Whew this got long.

[Nicholas_V]

so do you think you can change who you are to accomodate some people that want you to change? Don't you think it makes more sense to be yourself and find people that like you for who you are? Like I said ealier, we can only be ourselves in the longterm. That doesn't mean of course that you cannot better yourself (we all can and should) but our brains are wired in a certain way - we can pretend that they we are something else but for how long - and at what cost?