Dating one guy and loving another...help or advice, please?

[DarkNeko]

This is a long story, so I suggest you go get food and drink before reading this in its entirety:

....

For the past 16 months, I have been dating "Joe", and for a while I felt as if he was the guy of my dreams. But these last two months, I have come to realize that I have steadily strengthening feelings for his best friend, "Brian". And this is not a little school-girl crush either - I really am interested in Brian; I think he and I have more in common than Joe and I do. The biggest problem is Joe; I don't want to hurt him.

I have considered leaving Joe for a while now, though, because he is very controlling and unfair to me; he has tried to talk me out of going to college (we are both high school seniors) so I could be at his side forever. I know he says he follows me everywhere because he "loves" me, but it's because he thinks I'm going to cheat on him if he doesn't keep a constant vigil on me like I'm a mischievous child. An onlooker would probably think I'm the controlling one, because Joe babies me whenever I get hurt a tiny bit, in any sense (physical, emotional, etc.). But I don't make him do that. His biggest flaw is his paranoid possessive attitude. Now I'm not saying I have no flaws, but I just think that Joe's flaws could mean trouble for me.

............

Also, Brian has a girlfriend already, but he met her on the internet, and has never seen or met her in real life. I'm not saying an internet relationship is bad, but I think that he is "dating" her because he wants to be able to say he has a girlfriend. I've heard him talk about her and he is really into her, and I just don't want Brian to think I'm trying to come between them. I'm mainly afraid if I tell Brian how I feel, he will break off our friendship, and I don't want to lose that.

And as far as brian's feelings toward me, well, he refers to me as only a "friend", but not too long ago on AOL Instant Messenger he told me directly I was "hot, pretty, etc."; he then told my boyfriend that he only said that to me to give me some confidence in myself. Of course, I told Brian that he was a liar and that he was going to burn in hell for it , and then we argued in a friendly manner for about an hour about it, leaving him with an unchanged mind. Soooo...I'm not sure what to think of this; Brian has always been rather truthful, but I don't know if he's just yanking my chain or what.

.............

Everyone I have spoken to has told me Joe is a control freak and to leave him...I just feel like I'm going to be hurting him badly. What if he isn't aware that he's controlling me and I really break his heart? I don't like hurting people, even if they have been unfair to me in the past. As annoying as he is to me, I still care for Joe, and I don't want to hurt him...but it seems as if I am already hurting him by leading him on like this, making him think I love him with all my heart. It's too confusing.

........

Can anyone offer me any advice? Is there a way for me to break off the relationship with Joe that won't hurt him too much? Or is there a way I can forget I care for Brian so I can focus solely on Joe?

Any, and I mean ANY advice would be greatly appreciated in my time of emotional despair.

......

DarkNeko - chasing her tail

[Junket]

I didn't read it, but I've definitely seen longer.

[Jenrick285]

I would say the direct approach... really... If my gf was gonna break up with me, I'd kinda want her to say, hey I'm dumping you! Not the long winded speech of what should be and what thing can be.

High school was fun - not!
I remember I was kinda controlling with my gf back then... Then she kinda like just dumped me .... pffft... Live and learn
As for this other guy... uh he (well in his mind) is kinda in a relationship (does internet stuff count really?) I dunno... kinda like errm yeah like that, since you can just turn off the computer if you get really annoyed at the person..

Actually that's not such a bad idea... what I wouldn't give to be able just to "turn off" girls that I've dated that annoyed me .....

[kingk]

Seriously this is the worst
Joe will go CRAZY
i REALLY hate you sorry but i hate people like you think of you in that position
you think you found someone you really love and then he moves on to your best friend
your not even in college theres a 100% chance your gonna brake up with brian
so what are you gonna do
Reck joes live
reck joes friendship with his BEST MATE
and affect joe in every way just becuase you like his best friend.

didnt read what you wrote so i just did now
and they say joes a controlling freak
now thats an easy one
he loves you so much he doesnt want to let you go and will be HEART BROKEN if so hes trying to keep you and wants you really bad and thats the only way he knows how
i think you should stick with joe until you have an actul brake up
wait for some time
make wait for some time
not weeks
mabye months
until brian hits on you
THEN you can go out with him
DONT DESTROY JOES LIFE!
HE HAS A HEART
THINK OF YOURSELF IN JOES POSSITION!

[sparkey]

If those two guys are really best of friends. When you dump Joe, his best friend is NOT GOING to go out with you. It is an unwritten rule. You do not go out with your best friends gf, regardless of when or how they broke up.

And if he does go out with you, then that doesn't say much about his supposed friendship with his best friend and therefore does not say much about him as a person.

[DarkNeko]

I figured I might get flamed, but I don't mind; I only seek advice here. But I must go further into detail about Joe, to clarify anyone's ideas; while Joe can be sweet at times, there are other times when he is a complete asshole to me. I don't like to hang onto past experiences like this, but for the sake of backing up my reasoning, I'll bring them back up.

One of the most upsettign things he said to me dealt with my family; I was angry with him for a few days for this: My aunt, cousin, and I (all girls, mind you) were planning one day to go to a movie and lunch. During the summer when this happened, Joe would make me call him twice a day, for at LEAST 2 hours each call, once in the afternoon and once at night. Well the day before my ladies' day out, I told Joe I would be unable to call him the next afternoon because I would not be home. I gladly told him where I would be and with who, and he immediately began begging to go. My aunt was paying, and she did not specify that he could come. I argued with him for over an hour about it, saying that he can survive one afternoon without my phone call, and then he told me that I need to spend all my free time with him and none with my family.

I plan on attending an art college, and one of the classes in my study would be life drawing, or figure study. I was talking about my classes to Joe, and he then proceeded to tell me that i should either not go to college or totally skip life drawing because he "doesn't want me to see other men naked because I will fall in love with them."

.......but it's perfectly fine for him to watch porn and see dozens of naked women.

........................

So you see, Joe is unfair to me; I give him all the freedom in the world, and I have never once told him he could not be in the company of his friends. I have told him numerous times that he has every right to be with his friends as he does with me and that I never EVER want him to abandon his friends for me. But he seems to think it's fair to refuse me equal freedoms.

Joe gets all bent out of shape if I speak to another guy when he is not right next to me listening to my every word; last year, he actually threatened my guy friend "Marty" because he came up behind me one day and did "jumper cables" to me, and Joe thought he was hitting on me. Holy lord, I'm awestruck that Joe even allows me to speak to Brian; that's astronomical in my opinion. O.O

.................

Perhaps I'm blowing this waaay out of proportion, but this is how I feel, I swear. I'm not trying to make Joe sound like a villian, because he is sweet about half of the time. I admit I have many flaws that could use fixing, but I try to make Joe as happy as I can.

I feel pressured as well...around the sixth month of our relationship, he already began planning the wedding, deciding where to live, and what to name the kids. He also said he'd break up with me if I did not sleep with him. I'm only 17, and that's waaay too much for me to think about! Joe actually told me that he wanted to find a suitable wife in high school so he wouldn't have to look for one when he was older...lazy?

..............

I'm sorry if I've gone off on a tangent...but I just feel trapped.

And I appreciate everyone's advice very much. Thank you all for your help; I suppose I will simply try to forget Brian and try to love Joe again.

...........

DarkNeko - says that love truly sucks o.O

[Adonis]

Listen before you decide to do anything with Joe TALK with him about it as you said he may not even realize what he is doing. So explain to him first what you are feeling and if he is aware of it then you need to break it off with him he may be insecure because he is cheating on you or thinknig about it. Don't let anyone have that kind of control on you. In the end you know what you'll have to do.

ttyl

[Marlo]

My opinion? I think that you have already decided that you don't want to be with him. And for that, I don't blame you in the least.

Although I am only 23, I have had my share of bad relationships. This to me is a bad relationship.

He is controlling and possestive. No matter how sweet he may be in other areas, this factor is still there. This is something that someone USUALLY doesn't get over.

Do you really want to be told what to do, where to go, and who you can and cannot speak to? My dear, you are 17. This is the time to be having the time of your life!

AND DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT let a guy affect your decision on college. Not at all. There is a saying that goes "Matierial things can be lost, and relationships come and go, but once you've got your education, it can never be taken from you". It's the only thing that is garunteed to be with you for the rest of your life. Do not give it up because it's not on someone else's plans for you. You are 17, do not let a guy choose your future for you. If he loved you like he should, then he would happily support you in what you want to do.

I personally think that you should end things between you and "Joe". I do not agree with the post above that you will be wrecking his life. You have to think about you, and put your happiness first in this case. Does he make you 110% happy? If not, then there is someone out there that will. Yes he probably will be hurt, but he has also hurt you by putting all of this pressure on you all of the time. I'm assuming since you said that you are both seniors in school that he is 17 as well. Trust me, he will survive and get over it.

But then again, I do not agree that you should go after his best friend. That is sort of low. And if this guy is any kind of friend, than he will not do that to his buddy. Also this guy has a g/f. No matter how serious they are, he does still have a g/f. Do this poor unsuspecting girl a favor and do not try and start something with him while he is involved with her. If he does end up being interested in you as well, Joe will have lost his g/f and his best friend all at once. Let things cool for awhile with you and Joe and then after a lengthy period of time, if things happen to come together for you and this other guy, then so be it.

If you are planning on attending college away from where you live now, then it's probably a better idea to just stay single for awhile. You have alot of dating time still ahead of you. This way when you do move away, you won't have the burden of a long distacne relationship, and will be free to enjoy the adult dating world with new people.

I hope things work out for the best.

[schueys_girl]

Darlin, your only 17 and you have your whole life ahead of you to find a bloke. Your wasting the precious time when you only have worries of school work and arguments with parents and social life to contend with, no bills, mortgages, cars etc and your spending your youth being controlled and feeling bad for yourself.

It seems to me youve already made up your mind deep down that you dont want to be with Joe so just finish it. Just tell him you cant stand the control anymore and leave him. I understand you have been with him a long time and you dont want to hurt him but your going to hurt him further down the line anyway because he will always be this way.

As for this other bloke, dont even go there. It is Joes best friend and i doubt he would risk his friendship for you, and even if he did would it be worth the hassle? And it wouldnt show much of your character or Brians if you both got together after you split with Joe.

My advice? Go off to college and follow your dreams. Do not be held back by a man, particulary someone you dont want to be with! Your education is going to get you a good job, and if its somethin you want to do who has the right to stop you?! Believe me I have made the mistake of holding back for a boyfriend and it only ends in tears. Not only do you have to deal with a breakup but also the realisation that you didnt do something because of this person and now you have split up you just feel so damn stupid. When you move away or start college you will meet lots of new people, and lots of new blokes, so get out there and enjoy your life while your still young

good luck -x-