Splitting up with my boyfriend for no reason?

[purpledesk]

HI
I've been in a relationship for just over a year and we live together. Something feels wrong, and in a way, always has, but because it doesn't always seem to make logical sense I've pushed it to the back of my mind and blamed "low self-esteem" (I suffer from anxiety issues so this is definitely a possibility).

The problem is that I feel very jealous in this relationship. I have never felt jealous in any other relationships, this is completely new to me. My boyfriend is very loyal and definitely not cheating (he's in touch with me pretty much 24/7 so he wouldn't have time anyway!) However, I am jealous of exes and people he has fancied before.

I think this started because on maybe our second date, and I don't know how it came up, he said he preferred not to look back on previous relationships because it hurts too much. I know everybody is different, but this set alarm bells ringing in my head. For me, once a relationship is over it's over. It might hurt for a while after (sometimes I've been in pain for two years!) but even then, by the time I'm in a new relationship, I don't feel sad that the other person is gone. It wasn't a recent break up my bf was talking about either. It was several years ago!

So through another ill-advised discussion we had in the early days, I found out he had had a crush on a girl who hadn't wanted to go out with him. Again, I think this was at least a year before we met. I'd kind of figured that out anyway, because he still had loads of pictures he'd drawn on his "graffiti" wall on Facebook all sent to her. I could tell it was someone he'd been chasing but assumed initially it was an ex. I didn't realise it was an unrequited love. He seemed very in love with me and he has been the one that wanted to live together, talks about the future, is very upbeat and seemingly devoted, so I told myself to be jealous of some old drawings would be crazy and forgot about it.

So we go to the house of a friend of his, maybe a month or two ago now. This girl he fancied was a friend of this friend. She brings her up in conversation, telling my bf that she now lived with her boyfriend. My bf's face fell. Only for a couple of seconds, but I noticed. He looked shellshocked and then depressed. That feeling seemed to fade and he was fine for the rest of the night. I asked him about it later and he said it had just brought back feelings of being "rejected" but it wasn't actually about the girl. I didn't totally understand and wasn't sure, particularly as he was still friends with this girl on Facebook and he kept all those pictures he sent her on his wall so there's loads of reminders everywhere that he was "rejected". To me, it seemed like he was upset because she has a new boyfriend and it's serious. So I asked a friend. She said she believed my bf, so again I tried to just tell myself I'm neurotic and push it to the back of my mind.

Recently, I decided I wanted to get over this altogether and went on Facebook to look at the pictures again and tell myself there was nothing to be jealous of. But that's when I realised she was no longer his friend on Facebook. He had deleted her after he found out she was living with this guy.

Now this seems like strange behaviour to me. Do you think he's still holding onto something for her? Everything just feels wrong. On the face of it, my boyfriend's behaviour and what he says is never off. He is constantly reassuring, very devoted and he always seems to want to talk about our future together. He SEEMS totally in love with me. But I can't help but feel very wary.

I'm going to talk to him tonight to get this out in the open. I'm just going to make sure he realises that this girl never loved him and never will. If he's upset to hear that, I was thinking I'd just split up with him. If he was over her, he wouldn't be upset to hear the truth - that this girl doesn't care whether she ever sees him again. From everything I've heard or seen, this is the truth. If he were upset about that fact, I'd just feel like a placeholder, do you know what I mean? Would I be being too harsh to split up with him if he was upset to hear that? It's the only way I can think of to find out if he still has feelings for her. He's very good at hiding his feelings about most things. The only way I can think to do it is to be blunt - she never loved you and she never ever will. It's the truth after all and it shouldn't hurt - my ex told me he had never loved me a few months before I met my bf. I was completely devoted to this guy - besotted. It hurt when he told me but now that I look back on it, it doesn't hurt. Because it doesn't matter anymore. I've got my bf now. Do you see?

What do you think? Am I being neurotic? Sorry for massive post, I wanted to completely explain the situation.

Oh, I've just realised. There are other factors here. Our relationship wasn't passionate for the first six months or so because I was ill at the time - we could rarely have sex and when it did it was physically painful. I'm ok now, though. But I think this has made us more "husband" and "wife" rather than sexy young couple, if you see what I mean. Also, I've realised that I've been expecting him to change. We met on an online dating site and the pictures of him were very slim. He is still not overweight but I have a thing for very slim guys, for some reason I'm turned off if the guy isn't very slim and toned (I know this is shallow and I feel really bad about it). I told myself it didn't matter if he was a littler pudgier than expected because he's personality is great. But the truth is, I don't feel sexually attracted to him when he takes his shirt off. When we first met, he said he'd been thinking of losing weight (I didn't prompt this comment by the way!) So I thought, oh there you go then, it's going soon anyway. But he hasn't lost weight, he's gained it! And even now, while he's "trying to lose weight" he really isn't trying hard. I'm starting to have to accept that he's never going to be the person I was hoping for physically. The pictures of him a few years ago are gorgeous and I do want him to be like that. I feel bad for wanting him to change but I'm definitely holding out for this!

So those are the other problems in the relationship.

[Kaladin]

Okay, I have some experience with this. I've had plenty of girlfriends, but only two of them that I consider serious. The one I'm in now (been with her for two years, which might change but that's off-topic here), and a two and a half year relationship which ended... wow, 4 years ago now. Time really flies! But when I think back to that previous relationship, I still get those feelings. Nothing strong enough to make me want her back, and certainly nothing that would make me consider ending my current relationship if my ex asked me to get back together.

The fact is, different people work in different ways. I got over my ex years ago, but when I think about the times we had together, how awesome they were, I can't help feeling a bit sad that they're over. That doesn't mean that my current relationship isn't even more amazing, it just means that I had something great and lost it. It hurt back then, and thinking about it now I can still remember the pain I felt. So I typically choose not to think about it or discuss it. It's in the past, so it doesn't matter. Seems to me like that's how your boyfriend deals with his past too. But just because he can still recall that pain of rejection, doesn't mean it's impossible for him to enjoy being with you. From everything you've said it sounds like he genuinely loves you.

If you bring it up tonight, it WILL cause him to look upset, if only briefly. That's just how he is. If you then break up with him over that, then he's going to lose another girl he loves with all his heart - you. Then his next girlfriend will have to deal with the same issues you do, with one extra painful memory on top. Everyone has emotional baggage, and we all have different ways of dealing with it. His is just to not think about it. If he really is devoted then it sounds like you have a great boyfriend here. It would be a real shame if you break up over this, because I really don't think it's a threat to your relationship. If this unrequited love broke up with her boyfriend and asked yours to move in with her instead, I'm sure he'd say no.

EDIT: As for his figure, join a gym with him! That forces him to shape up, and I'm sure he'd appreciate you making a similar effort. Going together could be great fun!

[purpledesk]

Thanks. Do you think the fact he deleted this girl from Facebook after he found out she had a live-in boyfriend suggests he has drawn a line under this a bit more?

Also, I kind of know how he feels (sort of) because I have trouble transitioning from one relationship to another. I still had pictures of my ex on my Facebook page for the first six months we were together (such a hypocrit!) and was so grateful for his complete non-jealousy over it. That wasn't because I loved this other guy, though. It was just those pictures had been there for years and I didn't have copies - it felt weird to delete them - but I wanted to in the end. I guess I wouldn't want to meet my ex and his new girlfriend, if he has one, in the street. Fortunately, that's really unlikely but I could see how I might feel a bit weird about it. Maybe this was the reason he felt upset when she was mentioned.

Oh and on his weight. We can't afford a gym but I eat healthily and exercise and he always asks for my help to do the same. The thing is, he really doesn't enjoy it. I love staying in shape but he wants to just BE in shape and not have to do anything! Haha. I think he was just naturally very slim for years without having to do anything and he's not used to having to make an effort to be that way. He wants to keep trying, though, so hopefully this isn't going to end up being a big deal

[hello1]

I felt for you but when you said you kept pictures of your ex while with your current boyfriend you lost my sympathy. The past is the past and if you cannot let that go then you should not be in any relationship.

[purpledesk]

I felt for you but when you said you kept pictures of your ex while with your current boyfriend you lost my sympathy. The past is the past and if you cannot let that go then you should not be in any relationship.

So you would apply this to him as well then? That's the thing. I don't know why I couldn't let go of those pictures. I didn't love this other guy anymore, it just seemed hard to completely wipe him anyway. So in that way I sympathise with my boyfriend. Because I know that with or without those pictures I loved my bf just the same and my ex never popped into my mind. So really I should just assume he feels the same way?

EDIT: Actually, I know exactly why I kept them - I thought that deleting them would be like wiping away evidence of an entire era of my life (it was a serious relationship). I wasn't in touch with him anymore and didn't want to be. If he had phoned me and said he still loved me I would have told him I had moved on and asked him not to get in touch again. So I know that those pictures had nothing to do with my emotions or my commitment to my bf. Thus, maybe my bf felt that deleting this girl as a friend on Facebook would be deleting an important part of his life - rather than it being about that actual girl. That would definitely make sense to me. I once went out with a guy that made me throw away everything from the past, particularly if they had been presents from exes. I would never want to be like him. He was a monster! People like that will find it difficult to get anyone to love them if they're going to be so possessive and controlling. This has put it into perspective for me. I'll still speak to my boyfriend but I'll try to be fair.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

So really I should just assume he feels the same way?

Yes. He's entitled to his feelings which even seem to coincide with yours. Stop holding him to a double standard and stop creating problems where there isn't one.

Crazy bitch.

[purpledesk]

Crazy bitch.

Yes. As I said, I have mental health problems which I have put this down to for a year. I was just checking I wasn't being rational this time, it sometimes difficult to tell.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I didn't even read the whole post originally. Having reread it, I see no evidence of a mental health problem(beyond that of the average woman), and the crazy bitch part was a joke. I do think you should break up if you feel like a placeholder, and if he's hung up on this chick like that, I'd think about ending it too. I think you should confront him directly, in the manner you are planning so he can't dodge the issue.

[Cerby]

I read this, it was actually quite an interesting read. I at first felt your were the victim, but as the story went on, I realized this is much more even than I thought it might be.

Honestly, you do have some ground to be upset if he was waiting over another girl, but to be honest, many many people always have held that someone in the back of their mind. I did for years, even through other relationships, after about 5 years that person slipped away completely and I realized I never really cared for her, it was just the thought of her I was holding onto. Anyways, address it like you plan, face to face in a situation he can't get distracted.

But that said, he probably put up with a lot of shit the first 6 months, wondering if you didn't want to sleep with him, why things weren't passionate, if you were tossing between him and another guy. . .guys feel these things too, and I know I've been in more than one relationship that lacked early passion/intimacy, and I can only take a few months of that before I give up. If he took it for 6 months, then he definitely wanted to be with you.

Also, about the weight thing, this is kind of an eye opener, you told the whole story like you love him dearly, and then tacked on "oh, and I'm not really attracted to him because he is a little fat". That pains even me, because even though I run marathons, I'm 20lbs heavier than I was 3 years ago, and maybe my current gf (who was my friend when I met her 5 years ago) feels the same way. . .rough thought that people actually judge like that a year into a relationship.

So honestly, I think you should take your issues to a couples counsellor, I'm not sure if you should bring him or go alone. He clearly wants to be with you, but he also has something personal he hasn't resolved. . .and I think you need to go to learn to accept him for him.