How do you understand your feelings? Advice needed about a girl.

[findingaway]

Hi,

So this is a little complicated, so please bear with me. The bottom line is tho - do I want to be with this girl and why can I not figure this out for myself!?

So I'm sitting in the pub with a decision to make...?

The girl who sits next to me at work - well, we've been sleeping together. I'm 27, she's 34.

We agreed it was just as friends (we've been friends 3 years), but last weekend her friend was flirting with me and she said she couldn't do it any more.

She asked if we could have a relationship. I have to think things though, but she wanted a decision there and then. I went with my gut and said no, I wanted to stay friends. I am attracted to her and like her, but am not sure we'd work as a couple. She is too self absorbed and I am not not I am physically attracted to her enough. There are many times in her company that I either feel not listed to, not supported or just plain bad about myself. On the flip side she is very easy to be around and I know she has a good heart deep down.

I have made damn sure that I have not led her along or given her any false hopes. I thought we we're on common ground and both in the same situation but it seems I have been a little naive.

So 5 days go by. I go round for breakfast this morning and as I cook a mate texts me and tells me she went on a date last night and brought the guy back. I really didn't think I would feel bad, but I felt insanly jealous! I simply couldn't hold in the feeling anymore and told her how I felt. She was very smug and said it was because she now knew I like her, but that's not why she did it. Instead it was to try and not obsess over me.

She called me over to the couch, although I said that was a bad idea. She kept asking me to and when I wouldn't come over and came over and kissed me. One thing led to another...

Now to give a little more background, the whole 'turning it into a relationship thing' came about after her friend was flirting with me, but she said at the time that she 'didn't even like me that much' - which hurt a little. She said that she didn't think she would feel jealous (like me) and that was a sign she wanted to be with me.

I have not felt in this quandary before. If I have liked a girl, I have really liked a girl - not debated it. It seems the only reason we think we want to be together is because we feel jealous if we see each other with someone else...she assured me she does like me and this isn't the case. She just said that because she felt vulnerable.

Of course, I could just be fearful of entering another relationship since my last one was a horrible nightmare.

If I don't decide to date her, I need to find a way out of this very tricky situation...

[foreverafriend]

hmm well we are in opposite sides here but the funny thing also is the ages are pretty similar to my problem...My take on it...

Why do you feel you would not work as a couple? You are attracted to her but not physically? As her being older an issue for you? Because when you do get to be in your mid-30's you know what mistakes you have made and learn from them, you learn how to grow with someone and realize people aren't perfect.

If you really don't like her then you should let her go so she could move on with her life because she is ready to fall in love.

Hope this helps!

[findingaway]

Thanks. It does help. I am attracted to her, but not in that giddy way I am with other women. I like her personality, but feel we don't reach that level of connection I would want from a long term partner.

Maybe I am just looking for perfection. How can you tell!!??

Thanks and I hope you find your way too

Ps age doesn't bother me.

[foreverafriend]

Thanks.

Another thing is I believe the best relationships are those that are based on friendship, I mean wouldn't you want to spend the rest of your life as a married couple with your best friend? the one you get along so well with?

[Riku]

Thanks.

Another thing is I believe the best relationships are those that are based on friendship, I mean wouldn't you want to spend the rest of your life as a married couple with your best friend? the one you get along so well with?

I disagree completely. I made this mistake and ended up divorced because I felt that there was no spark, no passion no excitement. I felt like I was living with a friend and it wasn't enough. I love my friends but in a significant other I need to have more than that. You need to find someone you can get excited about that you can also be friends with. Don't settle, it isn't fair to you or to the other person and it doesn't work in the long run.

[Jolicoeur]

Years ago I went on a blind date. The mother of a friend felt sorry for me and arranged a meeting with a younger girl she worked with. (How pathetic can you get, right?)

We met at the movies and had drinks afterwards. Unfortunately this girl was not too bright and had very little to say. I had to exlain the movie plot (which was really nothing special), and basically lead the entire conversation. I don't like that at all, so the next day I called her and politely told her she'd probably agree we had very little connection and we'd better not continue dating. She sounded surprised, said ok and bye and hung up. For almost two days, that reaction of hers made me hesitate to recontact her.

Another time when a girl I had got to know through an online dating site (and really sounded interesting) and I met for the first time in real life, I was instantly turned off by her looks. I felt very guilty (and still do) and rather confused, but I couldn't change the fact that there was no attraction for me. She took it rather badly. Over another pathetic scene in my life I ended the relationship-pursuit, but I remained confused for several weeks.

I think that when I know someone is attracted to me, but I'm not interested in this relationship, I have a strong feeling of missed opportunity. Maybe that's what you experience now.

On the bright side, now many years later I feel kind of lucky not to be in any of those relationships. I guess when it comes to feelings, you have to trust your guts.

[Cinnabella]

Thanks.

Another thing is I believe the best relationships are those that are based on friendship, I mean wouldn't you want to spend the rest of your life as a married couple with your best friend? the one you get along so well with?

Wow I don't agree with this, friends are friends because nothing could happen before or by a little bit of time, except one person had built love from the inside but knew the other person was not interested, either case, it can't lead to relationship, set for hurt.

[findingaway]

Thanks for all your replies.

A friend said to me last night that maybe I just felt the jealousy because I had been intimate with her and it's as simple as that. It doesn't mean I want to be with her. My ex (delightful person) said to be when I split up with her that she would rather see me dead then with someone else. We both knew the relationship wasn't working and wouldnt work, but the feeling of me (and later her when I was privvy to the intimacies of her and another man by mistake) being with someone else was a stickening feeling!

I find it quite difficult to meet women nowadays and maybe it's just me not wanting to miss an opportunity as you say. I suppose I'm saying to myself 'what have you got to lose?'. Well a large part of my life I guess as it could be years before I figure out I made the wrong move.

Now - I sit next to this girl at work. It's going to be difficult to remain friends . How do I lessen the blow?

[Jolicoeur]

How do I lessen the blow?

For her or for you?

[findingaway]

Both.

I can't stop thinking about her today. :/

[MaidenMinx]

Tom Robbins wrote once "People are never perfect but love can be. We waste time looking for the perfect lover instead of creating the perfect love" (Princess Leigh-Cheri from Still life with Woodpecker)

Give it a go. Seriously, what's the worst that can happen? And if she's not quite your type (excuse the paraphrasing) that can be a good thing. If your type had worked in the past you wouldn't be in this dilemma.

[devonbrown]

My first suggestion would be to build a time machine, go back in time, and don't start sleeping with her in the first place. Not because of how you feel about her or what she is like, but because YOU WORK WITH HER! This is what happens when you dip your pen in company ink. Things get stressful. Drama develops. And then your work life is a mess as well.

I find it odd that you say you are not that attracted to her, yet you are sleeping with her.

You said that you don't feel the way you think you should feel in a relationship, but you already have set up barriers and rules in your current situation. You have never allowed yourself to feel anything else for her, even if you wanted to.

Why don't you try this - just ask her out on a date. No booty call, just a date. And treat it like a date. Dress up. Get her some flowers. Etc. See how the date feels between the two of you. And then use that experience help you make a decision.

Good luck.

[findingaway]

You make some good points. Yes it was stupid to get involved, but I'm more interested in solutions now I'm in the mess.

The date thing is a good idea. I like the sound of that.

What do you mean about setting rules so I couldn't feel any other way?

[devonbrown]

I mean that you started off your situation with her by agreeing that it was just a friends with benefits thing. So going into it knowing that was all it was did not allow your heart the possibility of liking her more than just that. I am not saying there is anything wrong with that. In fact, it is very level-headed and logical. But it does box you in a little bit. She obviously couldn't live by those same guidelines as her heart started to feel something more for you. You have a stronger will than she does.

I hope the date thing goes well, or at least gives you some of the answers you are looking for.

Good luck.