Bad timing, amazing girl, impatient me.

[namesarehard]

Hello everyone, my first time posting as you can see and I am really hoping someone has some words of wisdom for me because I am pretty lost on what I am to do. I am going to try and keep it shorter here, but you will have to excuse me please if I do not, I am kinda an information junkie and I believe that my complex problem is best analyzed with more information.

Background on me: I am a 28 year old guy, quite shy, too nice for my own good, and do not have a lot of experience with the ladies. Ten years ago or so my only real relationship of 2 years ended. In the meantime I haven’t really met many girls I really liked, I am very picky and tend to make quick judgements on suitability, and I am not one to entertain someone I see as not suitable. Prior to my recent experience I have met 2 girls I truly considered suitable, one I had a longer relationship with, the other never really went anywhere due to timing issues.

Background on the lady of interest: She is a couple years younger than me, in a related career field, alike me in many ways, and different than me in the areas I feel it is important to differ. She fairly recently got out of a bad 1 year relationship.
Guy cheated on her, stifled her personality [she is a free spirit type], mentally abusive etc

So I met this girl through mutual friends and while we did not precisely hit it off, largely due to my shyness, we did see something in each other certainly. The next day we had a chance encounter, began chatting on facebook and ended up meeting for coffee one day.
This meeting for coffee ended up becoming a 5 hour chat, something neither of us had ever done before. At this point I knew she was definitely girlfriend material, someone I do not tend to ever meet, I was pumped. It went incredibly quickly from there as she seemed to feel the same way. We were in contact a lot [daily at least], did another coffee 7 hour chat and before I knew it, a week after our first coffee date, we slept together. A few days later I even spent the night [something I had always been afraid of for some reason]. She was very much into it all, sending odd texts suggesting that I ‘move my bed to hers’ and odd things like that, which I do understand now. It is simply in both our natures to move fast I think, which while complicating matters seemed fine in the moment.

However I kinda got this feeling something was off at some point, spent a night not sleeping because I was convinced that I was gonna end up being a rebound guy, which I was really not looking for with this girl. So I addressed it and asked her. She explained that ya I likely was at first but that went away fast, that perhaps we had been moving too quickly and should slow it down as she still had some unresolved issues from her ex and so forth. It seemed ok though we talked as normal for the rest of the day.
The next day, no responses to my texts. The day after I sent her another text, figuring she must just be thinking on things, asking her to call me when she was ready. Big mistake there I am sure, lesson learned. So at a get-together later in the week in which she was supposed to attend. She never showed so I asked her best friend what was up, and got the ole ‘her ex has been up her ass the last few days’.

Well..that made things make sense. I left her for a few more days [ya I fail] but then it just got too much and finally texted her asking her to answer when I called later, she did and I asked for a face to face which ended up occurring the next day after she got off work.

My intention with this face to face was basically to get some closure but leave the door open for if she ever got her ex outta her head, figuring it is pretty unfair to me to be at all involved with a girl who is just gonna cut and run back to her ex at his beck and call, and ignore me for a week in the process.

Well she had different plans apparently. My 10 minute closure chat turned into an hour and a half of discussion. I said my piece telling her to call me when she was ready, that I was happy one way or the other as she seemed to have pulled me out of a rut and I was better for it one way or the other, that I was disappointed but had to move on for the time being.
For her part she confirmed my knowledge on the ex thing, that he is back around, apparently returning as soon as he heard about me [can’t sleep with and control an ex who is happy with another guy right]. However she went on and on from here explaining that she was being stupid, her friends told her she was being stupid, that I was logically the best choice, yet here we were. Many sorrys, hugs, kiss on cheek etc etc. Very weird. Even a story about how her co-worker told her to come grab me for coffee and sleep with me [she apparently replied this would only complicate things, but I dunno I almost think now that was her game plan, but I just chuckled it off- maybe I should have, might get rid of the ex, but that’s not really my method of operation].
She also hinted at the reasons why her ex is appealing, that she seems wanting to settle down married kids etc and he seems to play into that a lot. Of course in my grand incompetence I didn’t really indicate that I am looking for that kinda thing as well [not that I would have had a discussion on it, but I likely should have indicated briefly].
Finally she said an awful lot about how even after just a few days she is already fighting with him a lot already, he has even gone out for coffee with the girl he cheated on her with etc etc Silly girls are silly =(
So after some time I excused myself, wished her well and told her for the 4th time I am sure that I really hope she calls me in a couple months. She said that she is impulsive and would prolly randomly call me sometime. And we parted. I felt like I had aced a test or something.

Fast forward to now, I am second guessing myself an awful lot. I originally believed that I would be able to move on, however after the chat the other day, I dunno its not working out that way at all. I am also quite terrified she is just gonna settle back in with her ex if I remain complacent and uninvolved. Conversely however I certainly cannot be totally involved with her now, she needs to at least largely get rid of this demon on her own. Additionally I am of course concerned that if I am not around she will forget about me, although this seems unlikely?

After much reflection on it all, this girl is the real deal, we are very compatible and I cannot let this go. I have all sorts of ideas one how to approach the situation, but I really do not want to screw it up with another stupid mistake so I really hoping for some feedback and/or advice.

Some of my options currently are;
Keep in very very light contact- ie random 1 shot txt msg here or there, like once every week or two, possibly stop at her coffee shop to get coffees for me an a buddy who lives across the street [note that she would know it is to see her as she knows I like the coffee next door better]
Assuming she does send the ex packing [by no means assured however]- a bit more than light contact, be sure to get her for coffee every once in a while
No contact- I just go about my things, try to forget about her until she contacts me.

My biggest thing is getting rid of the ex, once he is out of the picture it would just be a matter of time and taking it slowly. While I do not believe there is anything I can do [she would end up despising me anyways?].

Sorry again for the TLDR factor here, but my situation is complex and delicate and I need a good resolution. She does not deserve this, I do not deserve this, I am sick of clowns getting the run of things and this girl is…amazing.

Please help and thank you for reading!

[listen not hear]

OK, I just read the whole thing and HOLY COW I wish they would use a softer background then the white because my eyes feel like they are going to fall out. Though, I appreciate the details and like to read so the length didn't bother me...just be prepared for along response in return. She does sound wonderful but seeing how this is your first time looking at someone in a serious interest in a while, maybe your having a more difficult time of getting her out of your head then what you would usually find unacceptable of yourself. There is also one very curious thing you said she mentioned to you that maybe you're not looking into deep enough. She mentions she's impulsive. She is AWARE of this about herself...her actions also seem to back up her impulsive tendencies in which, again she's AWARE of. And yet I'm not sensing any concern about this being a red flag. I can see how her impulsive tendencies are effecting her already. For instance, her boyfriend who is obviously not very stable himself and yet she wants a relationship with this man AND HAVE KIDS WITH HIM. Also the fact she was originally using you as the rebound guy, only to end liking you a lot, only to end up again back up with her ex and then ignoring you for a week rather then letting you know what's happening. I just have this feeling if the boyfriend does end up getting out of the picture he'll still cause conflict in your two's relationship. She obvious has strong relationship with this man whether it's rational or not. Because you guys started this while he was a part of the picture and she originally chose him over you...well, she's always going to be confused and she's always going to follow her impulses. So even if he leaves now, if she has the opportunity, she may find herself stuck between two men. Impulsive people also tend to make a lot of bad decisions in which can effect your future together. I'm not saying it will but there is warning attached to that type of behavior that should be recognized before making a complete decision on what to do.

I personally think interfering in any way as of right now would not be in your best interests but I don't think that's up to me to decide. If this is something you REALLY want, don't contact her that often. You'll only end up in the friend-zone. do it every now and then just to check on her just to show you are concerned. Whatever you choose, I hope the best for you. Good luck!

[namesarehard]

Hmm you know somehow I had never thought of the impulsiveness in that fashion. I do thank you for making me think about that though. Honestly I am not in the least bit impulsive and while I do not wish I was, I do appreciate it in people to an extent [I like random missions and such, but I am not normally the one to initiate]. Being aware of the potential pitfalls will certainly be a plus for me and like you say, allow me to be prepared for this behaviour [as far as one can be].

Honestly on the 'wants to have kids with this guy' situation, I think its a little different than that, more of a she wants to have that kind of life, isn't getting any younger, and I think he would talk to her in ways supporting that kinda future, which likely reeled her in some. Who can say though. Either way it will be something that I may be able to use to my advantage if I can very delicately provide that that is of course what I am in it all for [in the eventual sense], while keeping those discussions off the table for the time being [I need to know more about this girl before those discussion can be had right!]

So ironically just as I hit the reply button here my phone did its thing...it was her saying that she is done with him and that I should contact her or what not. While imma certainly have to take it slowly, looks like things might be rolling my way!!

Thank you very much for the words of wisdom!

[realisticbound]

Be careful and take things slowly. Her and that guy might have a history of just breaking up and making up with innocent people being caught in between their breaks. Good luck.

[HeartIsAching]

To quote Monte Python and the Holy Grail...

"Run Away! Run Away!"

She's still under his control. You can't fix it, you can't fix her. If you try, then YOU'LL be the controlling one. Just drop it and walk, you're better off.

[Jolicoeur]

Sorry again for the TLDR factor here, but my situation is complex and delicate and I need a good resolution

It sure helps to clear your head writing this all down, doesn't it?

Two things I'm reasonably sure of:
1. There's a big chance she won't stay with her ex. She'll be abused again and her friend(s) will pressure her to get rid of him. But she needs time to realise this.
2. You have a connection. And even rebound guys sometimes end up hooking up with the reboundees (I made up that word). I know this from a very bad experience myself.

So, I would wait a little while with if possible no contact at all. How long is tricky, about a week perhaps. Ideally until just after she had another fight with the demon kid. Maybe one of her friends can warn you when this happens. Then seek contact, preferably in real life, and tell her you changed your mind and you want to fight for her. Tell her this a$$h*le doesn't deserve her and she belongs to you like you belong to her. If she needs to think about it, let her, but in two days contact her again and reitterate your mantra, but much briefer. Tell her she needs to understand you are her guy.

This is the knight in shiny armor scenario. It is extremely rare to find yourself in such a case, but I think this is one. It would be even better if the demon kid got drunk and attacked you, and you beat him up. But that's a notch too far in the realm of my imagination.

Best of luck,

J.

[VincenzoG91]

My ex is currently in a relationship with an abusive control freak. I have been reading up a lot on domestic abuse and related topics. Apparently the average abused woman leaves her abuser several times before finally leaving for good. Looks like your timing was unlucky with this woman, she still has a few more trips back and forth left in this relationship. And she may never leave. You used the phrase "isn't getting any younger," which was the exact reason one of my co-workers decided to settle for an abusive jerk. She is a really nice person with an advanced science degree, while her husband is a garbage collector with a bad temper and a drinking problem. Now they have a kid, so she will probably never leave him. No, my co-worker is not my ex, she is just a daily reminder of what might happen to my ex.

[MaidenMinx]

Ex partners can be such a pain in the butt! I don't have a heck a lot of insight for you right now (brain dead from a crap day at work) except I think she sounds like she's worth some effort. Curious to hear how you repsond(ed) to her wanting to get in touch. Oh I'd also advise to not wait too long, no more than 48 hours to atleast respond. If she's impulsive, it won't take her long to think you aren't interested.

[MaidenMinx]

My ex is currently in a relationship with an abusive control freak. I have been reading up a lot on domestic abuse and related topics. Apparently the average abused woman leaves her abuser several times before finally leaving for good. Looks like your timing was unlucky with this woman, she still has a few more trips back and forth left in this relationship. And she may never leave. You used the phrase "isn't getting any younger," which was the exact reason one of my co-workers decided to settle for an abusive jerk. She is a really nice person with an advanced science degree, while her husband is a garbage collector with a bad temper and a drinking problem. Now they have a kid, so she will probably never leave him. No, my co-worker is not my ex, she is just a daily reminder of what might happen to my ex.

All the more reason to jump in now with both feet, and be willing to prove that she need not go back.

[Jolicoeur]

She is a really nice person with an advanced science degree, while her husband is a garbage collector with a bad temper and a drinking problem.

I'm sure there are garbage collectors who are really nice guys (and girls), but I get your point.

No, my co-worker is not my ex, she is just a daily reminder of what might happen to my ex.

I'm sure this must generate at least a minor amount of satisfaction. :-)

Oh I'd also advise to not wait too long, no more than 48 hours to atleast respond. If she's impulsive, it won't take her long to think you aren't interested.

I hadn't thought of that. Good thinking!

[namesarehard]

Well interesting weekend to say the least. After I left work Friday [not so long after my previous post], txt'ed a few times and then went about my evening. Few hours later get a call from her asking to go play cards with her an a couple of her friends. Seemed foolish enough to say no so I went along. Somehow kept my shyness and apprehension in check and prolly made a decent enough impression on her friend who I didn't know [and once the one I didn't previously know left it was grand ole chats from then on!]. Then next day she shows up at a get together which she may or may not have been meaning to attend [likely so], but that I was already priorly committed to, so who knows but good times all the same. She did seem a little sulky when she found I had plans for the rest of the evening, but ya know...ditching my buddy who I had plans with is about the worst thing I could possibly do. I did make sure to get ahold of her today and we hung out for a bit.

At this point she seems kinda umm, I hesitate to use the word distant, it doesnt seem fully appropriate, but I am thinking this may just be her way of taking things slowly, like if she isn't her impulsiveness will take the better of her and we would do something maybe we shouldn't. I dunno we will see though. On my part I am now thinking I just have to go with the flow and try and read her. I know Imma have a helluva time taking things slow so best off to let her take the lead, go with the flow, if you would.

One thing that has occured to me lately though, is that this is all too much stress for something that is supposed to be fun, so I am kinda doin my best just to not worry about it and be myself.

Just to clear it up though, I am not trying to fix this girl, that is something she has to do, all I can do is be the..uhh..light at the end of the tunnel?

And ya..it really does help to write it all out haha, and I do appreciate all the responses, I loves me some perspective!

I will say however that our conversations have, the last few days, been rather 'light', which has me kinda uneasy, as this is certainly friendzone kinda situation, which while I think is kinda her intention [to become my friend in addition to more], I am certainly going to have to be sure to brooch some more 'heavy' topics in a 'light' way, if that makes any sense?

[namesarehard]

Well, back again, and I gotta say you all were basically spot on.

Started seeing her again, a lot. Some colds shared around kinda forced us to take it pretty slow at first but that didn't last at all.
I was pretty good for a while, I saw what was likely coming and steeled myself, didn't let myself get too emotionally involved.
However this girl...she makes it very difficult. She never stopped txt txt txt cmon over blah blah lets play cards etc etc. Never stopped. Granted when she did I prolly picked up the slack a bit, but she was definitely the 'aggressor'.

So like a week ago, at her place for the night, her friend sleepin on the couch in the front [her room/living room], us in the bed. Its like oh 9am in the morning [Sunday], and I wake up to footsteps coming across the kitchen floor. Then an unfamiliar head pops in the door, takes one look at me, I am sure I responded with a look of unmitigated death, but having just woke up, kinda thought I was dreaming. Then I hear some girl talking and then the door closing.

So ya, ultimately a couple days later, turned out it was in fact her ex, with some girl from the bar for a 3-some [something she claims never went down ever]. But of course..he saw me turned tail and ran that day. But he saw me in his spot I guess...
So couple days later we are playing cards with some friends, and he like..shows up after she ignored his texts, effectively kidnapped her for an hour. I was about to leave when she returned- pretty much in tears of course. Not really knowing wtf to do I stayed around and was her sounding board for a bit as she rambled off every reason why he was horrible- I should have paid more attention to the conflict in her voice. So after a while of letting her go on and just listening mostly [the like..one thing im definitely good at in these matters!], I thought best to let her alone- of course she was having none of that and told me very clearly without words not to go anywhere.
So the next day I was pretty lost on what to think, but somewhere in there I came up with the fact that ya..she mighta bin troubled by the ex, but she chose me instead. This is where I slipped and let my guard down to this girl.

Well sure enough 2 days later...ex is back, guess he prompted some sort of impulse in her and off she is gone again, won't talk to me, in fact won't talk to her best friends, and likely skipped work on top. I was fully expecting for this to happen, and until about 2 days before it did I was basically prepared. I would have been hurt I am sure..but now I am very much so.

Yet I still want this one, every rational bone in my body says run run, but I dunno being rational for the last 30 years hasn't made me overly happy so maybe its time to be completely irrational for once in my life.

It is kinda sad really, I am a very passionate person, but I was never really allowed to be passionate about this girl [well beyond....] until she is gone, but now I am full of fire.

The way I see it and I could be completely off, but the times this nonsense has gone on its times when the ex specifically knew I was around, I really really think he is just doing it to keep her under his thumb [the ex happy with another guy isn't gonna sex him when he is bored and all that], so he is gonna be gone again soon. That means she is gonna call me and suck me right back in.
So the way I see it I have a few options [in no particular order here];
1- RUN
2- Talk to her when she calls, explain that while I do want her I can't get too involved until she is ready to as well [if this is even possible we shall see]. Basically tell her that she is free to call me etc when she wants, but that I will likely refrain from doing the same. Basically I would want to be ex-repellant. As an impulsive girl, I am guessing that if she doesn't have me to call, sooner or later its gonna be back to that whirlpool. This will maybe allow me to be sort of detached, while maybe giving her what she needs, and hey I prolly get some entertainment value out of it which isn't such a bad thing.
3- Go full on into it, hopefully my ignited passion will bring her over, I know that sounds kinda ridiculous, but I am feeling pretty tooth and nail right now, and as a passionate person I kinda think she would respond well to being fought for. Hell maybe that is my problem all along, but its hard to fight for someone who drops communication off the deep end =/
4- I dunno that this is even possible anymore, but tell her to call me back when the ex is gone.

I feel like [metaphorically] fighting now, but I am just soooo lost. I am completely crazy? I just don't know anymore, but I kinda just don't feel like moving along at all. Oddly enough I do totally, for literally the first time in my life, feel like rebounding- I mean knowing myself I likely won't do anything of the sort, but I likely should haha.

So you all responded so excellently before, got any more for this confused mofo?

Edit: Wow for looking to be irrational, I sure to rationalize alot!

[HeartIsAching]

I think your analysis of his behavior is spot-on. He's doing it to control her, to keep her from you, and once he thinks that's over, he'll slack up and let her go again. If you REALLY want to try to make it work with her, wait for that, then tell her what you perceive that he's up to. If you tell her now, she'll just assume that you're jealous and trying to interfere.

That is of course, ONLY if you really want to try with her. Personally, I'd walk.

[surfhb]

Dude! This is all so simple! NEVER TALK TO THIS PERSON AGAIN!

Find another girl for God Sakes! You're being a chump

[namesarehard]

Ya that is a pretty easy answer surfhb, but the thing is girls like this, well they don't just come along, at all really. As I said before when I meet a girl I pretty much make a snap judgement, decide that she is not someone I would want to be with for any amount of time, and don't waste my time. Has this served me well, certainly not I lack experience now clearly. However this is how I am and I do not know if it is particularly mutable.
This girl however is awesome. She is so many things I am looking for, definitely girlfriend material, I really want to find out more. Yes she is making herself to be a headache and it is completely unfair to me that she simply cuts and runs like this- however if she ever does get this other clown out of her head I do not think it will be like that. Perhaps I am wrong, but I doubt it. So really the question is- is there really anything I can do to assist this girl in getting this clown out of her head. I do not know that there is, but I know for certain that 'never talking to this person again', will not facilitate that.

We shall see, maybe she will never place that impulse phone call I am expecting, and maybe I won't do the same, maybe she will stay with him.

All the same, 2 votes for Run, dually noted lol