Get back together with ex? ...Or call it a day?

[kj88]

My ex and I broke up a couple of weeks ago after being together for around three years (living together about only around 6 months). The break up had been on the cards for a couple of months before it happened. We had always had a pretty volatile relationships - extreme highs and lows. However, we had a near break up just before last Christmas and after that I have to say things started to go a lot more smoothly...it didn't feel like we needed to try so hard to make it work. I think it made us appreciate each other more....but we soon slipped into old habits.

The main issues we had are:

* Trust: This was mainly on my part I have to admit. I've never had issues with jealousy or trust in past relationships but I've never really trusted my ex. He has a bit of a problem with stimulant abuse. He still works about 60 hours a week and holds down a very good, but high stress job but if and when he has more than a few beers he'll be on his phone to his dealer for cocaine or amphetamines. Now sober or even drunk I do trust him with women 100% but if he's been on drugs I don't trust him at all because it's not a case of his inhibitions being lowered he's a DIFFERENT person.

I told him from the start I don't want to dictate what you do and I'm not telling you you have to stop doing drugs but it's not something I'm prepared to put up with. He was fine with this and whenever we go out together he stays well away from it but the problem is everytime he goes out on a work doo or with friends I'm on edge because pretty much *every* time he's messed up and ended up coming in hours later completely off his face.

He's always completely irrational and selfish on a comedown and basically are relationship finally ended because of this - I'm a final year university student, literally within weeks of finishing. I would never usually ask him not to go out with friends etc as even though it puts me on edge because of the drugs I realise that telling him what to do is not the way to build trust. However because I really needed to focus on finals I said if you do go for a boys night out can you not drink (and therefore not risk screwing up) for the next 3 weeks. He said fine and was totally supportive.

The very next weekend he said he needed to travel to another city for a work meeting. This was also a city where his brother lived so he was going to stay there. I said fine no problem because I'm busy studying anyway. I didn't hear from him for two days (he was supposed to be staying a night). He rang me to say he was coming home....then acted shocked and said I was irrational when I asked him why he had'nt at least sent me a text to say he was staying longer....He came back stinking of alcohol and I can only guess he did drugs due to the no contact. He told me he wanted to end it because I was never going to trust him etc - I said fine because I couldn't believe how selfish he'd been.

I was heartbroken because when he's not drugs/a comedown he's a totally different person. I've never been with anyone more thoughful, reflective, considerative and we're like best friends. I have so much fun with him and genuinely do love him to bits....but I accept that trust is a huge problem.

He acted totally ambivalent bascially until his comedown wore off. I went out with a date with another guy on major rebound mode (not sensible I know). Nothing happened at all but one of my ex's friends saw me with this guy - told my ex and now all of a sudden my ex has been in tears on the phone saying he wants me back and it never would have happened if he had'nt been under so much stress with his job and I had'nt been in the middle of finals etc.

He's due to move out tomorrow (I've been staying with my parents) and he's been texting me constantly saying he doesn't want this. I really don't know what to do because although I miss him horrendously I don't want to take the easy option I want to take the right option. Although I think we're 90% perfect together I still think that 10% is pretty big. I think he took me for granted and thought he could do whatever he wanted to...ended it on a whim and because I didn't beg for him to take me back he wants me all of a sudden. I know he means well but I'm just not sure he can sort his own issues out and I'm not sure whether I want to risk hurting myself for the sake of his issues. I'm not sure he'd do the same for me.

Huge rant...if anyone can be bothered to read and respond would be much appreciated. I need an outsiders perspective. My family all loved him and thought we were great for each other (but they know nothing about the drugs....).

[kj88]

Oops...apologies for some major typos, I was in frantic writing mode!

[DarkHelmet82]

If he cant give up the drugs your relationship is doomed for failure... sorry

[kj88]

I know ....It's so hard to walk away from as minus the drugs I can't fault him. The problem is I can't enjoy the positives when I'm with him because it's like a time bomb.

I know it's the right thing I think I'm just dreading the thought of going home tomorrow to an empty house we've just finished decorating together.

[DarkHelmet82]

He cant stop using? It seems like he cares more about getting high then he does about you.....

[kj88]

He won't address that it's a problem - he acts like it's my issue with trust rather than his issue with drugs. Despite, funnily enough me never having trust issues with boyfriends....and his last relationship ending because she didn't want to put up with the drugs thing anymore. He went to an narcotics anonymous meeting once and said he hated and could handle it by himself. I've always tried to support him by saying I won't drink either on nights out if it helps him, I'll go to meetings with him etc but he's not prepared to do it.

[DarkHelmet82]

Yeah hes an addict.... he wont admit that he has issues... He cant love you and love doing drugs.. just wont happen.. My brother is a drug addict, and he has disowned us all. He blames us all and says we never help him (which of course is Bullshit.) Your ex is doing the same type of stuff. I wish i had more posititve words of encouragement for ya... You can support him and still love him, but i dont think you can be in a relationship with him if he wont quit or try and get help.

[kj88]

I know and the thing is he's ten years older than me and I feel like I spent the last three years looking after him. I was totally fine with supporting him but I expected at least some support/respect in return. Drugs just make people totally selfish though. He's been doing drugs "recreationally" for the last 10 years or so since his mum died...he has loads of issues bottled up that he hasn't dealt with and I think there's only so much you can do for people if they won't help themselves. I'm sure for you it's far worse because it's family. I think for me it's got to be a change my number and delete his number job.