Caught in the middle between 2 girls...

[luckyjtime]

hi guys

new to the forums here but have a massive dilemma. i have been in a 2 year relationship with a girl whom I love very much and have come to accept as a big part in my life.

at first she was never in my real interest as a proper girlfriend but rather just a girl to keep me company and now given everything thats happened and the arguments we've had, i have come to love her so much and understand everything she has given up for me (it was very much one sided before).. it is only lately that she has become aware of how much she has given up for me and upset about trusting me so early and that ive been doing my best to show her that i really love her and was a fool to not show her that i did before..

lately shes been depressed due other issues (not me) and well yeh, progress with me is slow but steady, she would of left me a few times but cares too much about me and loves me too much i.e wants to give me a chance as she hasnt met anyone like me..

now comes the dilemma, as a result of her being upset because of us and compounded with her other problems like study and friends, she has lost interest in sex and her libido has often low, sex isnt enjoyable to her very much, she finds it hurts (due to her emotions and body) but still does it sometimes with me, i find it hard..

this hasnt been easy for me to take as we used to do it pretty much everyday we saw eachother multiple times for the first 1.5 or so years.. but i can understand given how hurt she is from everything it takes time.. now the problem, lately ive been stupid enough to meet another girl online who i really connect with, she isnt someome i really love nor does she come close to my current gf but i am stupid that i have gotten into this stiuation where i care about this new girl (whom does not know about my current), yes it is cheating, we make love on a level i didnt imagine with any girl but im really torn apart by this and dont know what am i to do.. this new girl, she doesnt have any restrictions and is very carefree, she loves me alot and even wants to move in with me (so soon!?) though im not going to do it obviously.

i'm really messed up and do not know what to do, i love my current so much and wouldnt want to give her up but this new girl, we have a strong connection and i miss the sex so much though the whole thing isnt all about sex and i really can see that she is something else too..

i dont expect much but please forgive me for my stupid actions and decision and please provide me any guidance if any..

[aenima326]

This is an awful situation for all three of you. (1) your current girlfriend is far too unstable to be dating, and this hurts you. (2) you are far too confused about what you want because you are still trying to figure out who you are, and thus your hurting both of these girls by lying and cheating on them. (3) the new girl has obvious issues given she already wants to move in, which indicates she likely sleeps around, has an unstable family, and is far too unconfident in her own life that she needs to live with a guy to feel secure about herself.

What you SHOULD do: You need to call it off with both of them. Neither one of them are good for you. Does calling if off mean you don't love your girlfriend? No. But it does mean that you are looking out for yourself and for her. Next, take some time to figure out what you want and where you are going. You come across as leading a life with far too many uncertainties already... you shouldn't be adding relationships to the mix.

[luckyjtime]

thanks for your reply, the way you structured it really got me thinking..

as much as i dont want to believe it, you may very be right about me. i dont know what i want from my current girlfriend i find it emotionally draining that i need to give her so much love in so little time, it seems so 1 sided now and she doesnt love me as much as she did before though i know why and its just really hard on me

my main concern is just how much it will break me as a person if i drop my current gf (not the new one).

i actually asked her why she wanted to move in with me and she replied that she really likes me and just feels so comfortable around me and has never lived with a guy before in the past..

i will never do it but wanted to understand her intentions from a girls point of view ..

[aenima326]

If it BREAKS you as a person, your relationship is unhealthy. You should not be that dependent on your significant other, not this early in your life. Can you love her? Yes. Can that have deep and perennial connections? Yes. But does it mean your life is over? NO. Learn from this. Figure yourself out, and later in the future, search for girls who are stable!

[MerryH]

The whole time I was reading the OP, I kept thinking, "Heh, wow, this person is really self-absorbed." And then I read this part and just about vomited:

my main concern is just how much it will break me as a person if i drop my current gf (not the new one).

OP. Seriously. Stop thinking about yourself for a moment. Look at the way you use people and how they might feel if they were aware of what you're doing. You used your current girlfriend at the beginning of your relationship "just a girl to keep me company." Now you're attached, but she's not completely satisfying your needs anymore so you just find another girl (whom you're also lying to) to use for sex on the side. Except you got attached to her, too. So now you're in a dilemma and the only thing you're thinking about is "me me me me."

What is more important to you? Doing the right thing, or doing what is best for YOU no matter how it negatively effects others? You're being terrible to both of these girls that you claim to care about. I think they would both be better off without you. Be single until you can actually value the feelings of someone other than yourself.

[luckyjtime]

thanks for the feedback

i know im a really terrible person, no doubt about it.. ive been really hurt in the past by a girl whom has wrecked my trust in girls for god knows how long..

its affected me so much and i learnt never to place all my eggs in a single basket but now i just dont see girls the same way, their decisions can change like the wind and i found out sometimes people arent really who you thought they were despite all ur efforts..

thats a whole other story i know but is it really the only feasible thing to just let them both go?

i know im selfish and i hate it but i dont know what it will do to me again going through a 'breakup' and to be honest im quite scared.. i dont want to go through what i did in the past again and sort of told myself to always look out for myself, my friends and family were the only people who mattered to me and actually cared..

[MerryH]

thanks for the feedback

Thanks for taking it well. I'm really not trying to be a dick to you, but you just wrote another post about yourself and how this all effects you.

is it really the only feasible thing to just let them both go?

What's the alternative? To continue to con them both? Or to pick one over the other and continue the deception (because you've lied to both, so you'd have to keep that up, no?) Or to completely come clean with both of them and see which one has the least amount of self-worth that she'll accept it and keep seeing you? Kinda like throwing shit at the wall to see what sticks. I mean, if you have an ideal scenario in mind, what is it?

[aenima326]

MerryH is right, and attacked this point more harshly than I did (which was needed, let's be honest). You are being selfish, which is OK because you are young and you have yet to fully develop your awareness and experience with human emotions. BE SINGLE, LET THESE GIRLS GO. If you don't, you'll just hurt them.

[devonbrown]

is it really the only feasible thing to just let them both go?

Both MerryH and aenima are correct. It is the only thing left. Chances are you will wind up without either of them anyhow, the girlfriend when she finds out and the mistress, unless she has the moral code you do.

Stop trying to justify your actions and think about what would be best for EVERYONE involved. Not just you.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Dump your g/f, cut her off, and don't ever mention her to the new girl. Start treating the new girl right, and you should be able to sweep this whole thing under the rug.

[BajanFusion]

I think the answer may be blindly obvious....Apply the "Empathy Theory", what would you want done to you if you were in one of these girls shoes.

You see, I was in the same situation you put these girls in but a few weeks ago and let me tell you, you better brace yourself for a possible backlash WHEN you do tell these girls, because they deserve to know. A hint also, try not to think that apologizing to them will suffice, because no matter how much you apologize you have hurt them deeply. I mean, if you set dynamite, light the fuse, watch it explode and kill people 'sorry' just doesn't cut it. They don't want your sorry, they will want help, healing from the wounds you caused.

[luckyjtime]

Thanks guys

point taken, I am regretting my decisions and to be honest, ive only just got an found what i was missing in 1 gurl in the other

ive seriously been thinking about it all day and night and its affecting my work, think i might just bite the bullet with one of em tonight..