Suddenly concerned about not knowing her past sexual experiences. Please help!

[hollander77]

I feel tormented with my racing thoughts and that I'm causing undue discomfort to the amazing woman I'm about to marry. I greatly appreciate any of your thoughts since I'm really struggling with this. I thank you in advance for any thoughts.

Here's the background. I'm a 30 year old male and have been dating my fiancée for almost 3 years and we've been living together for over a year. Things are great. We love and trust each other. Even though we're both strong people, we never fight since we're generally patient and easy to get along with. (Neither of us have ever been married or even lived with another person before now.) The sex for both of us is satisfying. We are looking forward to getting married in 5 months and are making all the preparations. Like almost all married people I've talked to, I have recently experienced some pre-marriage jitters . I'm a careful, deliberate person and I suddenly became a little insecure, worried and nervous about all the uncertainties and "what ifs" that a married life entails. I've come to realize that they were not "doubts", but rather normal feelings of nervousness. I'm lucky to have this woman and I want to live up to her expectations of being a great husband and father some day. And I think I will. I'm attractive, fit, well-educated and successful and I really do love her. And while I can never know what the future will hold, I have to rely on the love and trust we have for each other to get through the things that may come.

Among all the jitters and thoughts I experienced, I suddenly began to be uncomfortable with some of her past relationships and sexual experiences. This was never a problem before since she told me that she had a sexual past and I was fine with it. To say it more accurately, it's not that I was uncomfortable with the fact that she's had been with other guys, but I was suddenly uncomfortable with the fact that I didn't KNOW what those experiences were. Aren't we supposed to be able to share everything? (I realized that I knew more about the sexual histories of my previous girlfriends than I did about my future wife.) I know she's more sexually experienced than me and I don't mind that. As background, she's a few years younger and had freely told me that she was promiscuous for awhile when she was younger and had made some bad decisions. (I'm no saint either, but I've only had three sexual partners myself.) She told me that she had anal sex once and had dated older men. All of those facts I was fine with, but not knowing the context, reasons and details made me a little crazy and I was jumping to wrongful conclusions.

For example, when we started talking more about this recently - I told her that I was experience pre-marriage jitters but that everything was fine - I told her that I had originally assumed she was horny and into experimentation in the past and had guessed that she had been with 35 partners and if all that were true, which I thought it was, all of that would have been fine with me. (I told her that the truth didn't bother me, it's was the wondering and guessing about what had happend that was an issue for me.) But it turns out my assumptions were wrong and the real story was actually different than I had thought. She told me that she had actually been "talked into" anal sex in college with a frat boy and that it was never her idea. That was totally different from what I had assumed and was certainly glad she told me this.) Likewise, she only just recently told me that her relationship with an older guy resulted in someone having taken advantage of her. She was living in Toronto for the summer during college for a summer internship. One of her older bosses started taking her out and they started having a sexual relationship. But he knew she was only 21 and still in college and he was 36 years old and one of her bosses at the company! If anything, I'm pissed at this boss and not her! While she was dating him freely (she says he didn't pressure her), he still should have known better than that! She was beautiful, vulnerable and he took advantage of the situation. Fortunately, the relationship ended when she moved back to college in the fall. Plenty of young girls could have fallen into that trap.

I also learn that when had moved to Toronto after college, she initially struggled to get her feet on the ground. Being extremely attractive, a lot of guys took interest in her and she went to the clubs and never had to wait on a line. Trainers at the gym would offer to train her for free. She told me that she was a little insecure being new in the city and that she found some validation and confidence in herself buy going to clubs and letting me men take her out and show her a good time. So even though I had assumed she was just horny before (which again, would have been okay), the reasoning was a lot more nuanced than that and now I feel like I know so much more! I feel great to know these things. The guessing and the wondering was driving me crazy. I'm not jealous of these previous guys. After all, why should I be? She chose me to marry! And she's said that's she done more sexual experimentation in my bedroom than with anyone else so why should I be jealous.

But there's still a lot more that I want to know and I'm sure that not all of the relevations will be good ones. But at least I'll know them and can deal with them. I can't deal with the unknown and my wandering mind which drives me crazy sometimes. While she's been very honest with me, she has also said that she didn't want get too deep into the details, since she was afraid that I'd somehow think less of her. I love her too much to think less of her. Now, I know some would say that none of her past should matter if we love each other, so why should she tell me all these things that make her so uncomfortable to talk about? I know that some would also say that I'm just being insecure about myself. But I also don't agree that none of the past matters. First, those things are still a part of who we are and they help form us into who we are today. And second, someday we'll have to be parents ourselves and we will guide our children based on our own shared experiences. How can we do that together if we don't know about each other's past? She was in some not-so-good relationships and we should learn from those experiences.

I love this woman and want to know everything about her, even if some of the details are a little gory. (I want to know who she slept with, what the sex was like and how she felt about those relatioships.) Talking about this is uncomfortable for her and it really me feel guilty that it makes her feel that way. (I cried the other day because I felt terrible that I was making her uncomfortable, even though that was never my intent.) But knowing more of the truth has definitely made me feel better and it gives me a fuller understanding of her (both the good and the not-so-good). Perhaps, I feel that I even love her more in learning about the context and details of these prior experiences. Even if some of the details are nasty, I should at least feel good that she trusts me to share them. I just have to be sure to convince her that I won't think anything less of her.

So as painful as it is for me to ask and as uncomfortable as it is for her to recall these things, I think we need to hash it out. Do you think I'm right to ask, even though it's uncomfortable for both of us? Is it okay for me to want to know these things? (Gosh, it really messes with my head not knowing the details. I feel that once I know everything that's happened, I can more easily digest it an put this behind me. But not knowing, my mind makes things up and that's harder to deal with.) Does she have a good reason not to tell me all these things? And if so, does that mean she doesn't trust me? Please tell me if I'm thinking about any of this the wrong way. Please also try to put yourself in my shoes as a guy who can't relate to all her sexual experiences since I didn't happen to go down that road myself.

- Tormented

[Horseyguy]

Sounds to me like you are being way to controlling. The level of detail you seem to want from her is just plain creepy if you ask me.

You are making her feel uncomfortable just to satisfy your need for answers to stuff which frankly is none of your business.

Sounds almost narcissistic, do you need her to tell you that you are better than all of them or something?

[smackie9]

Hey you, you know what....whatever happened in her past is the past and well it's really none of your business to demand from her the so called "gory" details of what she did. I'm gonna give you some s hit here to straighten you out young man. For one thing, The boss didn't take advantage of you poor little funny bunny,,,, he is an adult and her being 21 is an adult too. She was old enough to know what she was getting into, and there no way she was oh so vulnerable....she is not a 12 year old little girl. She was ok with it....it's you that isn't. You make her out to be this poor innocent thing.....well she is not, she is a woman, with a brain, and is able to handle herself just fine. The way you talk like a girl having some experience is a bad thing....well it is not. She had a damn good time getting all that attention and what girl wouldn't? I say good on her because I was the same way. My husband never bothered to know much of my past because he knew it would bother him...so he did the smart thing by not giving a crap about it.

You act like a little boy having a temper tantrum, because your little pooky is not pure as the driven snow......It's time for you to grow up because knowing her dirty bits isn't going to make a hill of beans difference. Best be dropping this whole thing and enjoy your NEW life together.

[VincenzoG91]

Almost weekly, some guy posts here at LF about feeling unhappy after asking about his girlfriend's past. From reading your post, OP, I can practically guarantee that you will be one of those guys. Oh no, she slept with a black man! Or an old man! Or two guys at once! Or my friend! Or whatever! Just forget about it. Neither she nor you can change the past, so don't even ask about it. Just don't.

[Boisdevie]

You should be glad - she did anal before - means you might get the chance as well.

[KelE]

Wow. That would make me uncomfortable to be grilled like that. It's so invasive. I understand wanting to know someones character, but beyond that getting every detail is a little to curious. It seems sick that you need to picture all this stuff and get all the details. Is there insecurity there, that anyone else has been with her. If you are to the level of getting married I think it is irrelevant. I think this kind of behavior on your part could ruin the marriage before you ever walk down the isle, because you think you have a right to third degree her even though you readily admitted yourself that it makes her uncomfortable. You also readily admit that it makes you feel better. So I guess it is OK as long as YOU feel better. Forget about her feelings. In other words, I think you could talk and share some general information about your past. More than that is just taking a crap on your relationship.

[hollander77]

Everyone, I really appreciate all the advice, I really do. I can see why these past experiences shouldn't matter and how my wanting to know is partly due to my own insecurities. I could find a way to keep these thoughts to myself and find a way to deal with it. But if I could just say two more things. 1) I did learn, only after talking with her about some of these things, that I had the context for some of her experiences totally wrong. I let my mind jump to conclusions that weren't true and having her give me the proper context helped me to understand what she was going through. 2) We hope to be parents some day and we'll have have to guide them by reflecting upon our own shared experiences. You're probably right - the gory details I don't need - but hearing about what she was feeling at the time of some of the relationships, might be good to know as future parents. She would freely admit that she's made mistakes and has since grown up. And we'd also readily admit that we'd prefer not to have our future daughter fall into the some of the scenarios that my fiancee wished she had avoided. Isn't their some parenting value to sharing these experiences, or at least the context and feelings behind them?

[hollander77]

Sorry, one additional thought. Where we stand now is that she's told me that she'd be totally willing to answer any of my questions, if I felt that it would help me (although she's not certain it will). She realizes that I'm not trying to judge her and understands that I struggle with the part of the not-knowing and not the actual facts, whatever they might be. (I feel like I can digest and get over the truth - it's the mystery of it that drives me nuts.) I feel that I can (and should) avoid asking about any specific sexual details, but would appreciate more about the context and circumstances. Of course, I'm worried that talking more about it will make her uncomfortable even though she's willing. I really wouldn't be asking if it wasn't a powerful emotion for me.

Thanks for any feedback.

[smackie9]

I feel it's more than her sexual past. There will always be an uncertianty if she will be faithful, or secretly thinks fondly of an ex lover, oryou falling short of satifying her through out your marriage, etc.

I suggest a few sessions of premarital counseling before you get married. It will better prepare you both for marriage is no picnic. This only one bump in the road...there will be many.

[smackie9]

Tip.....you cannot protect your kids from making the same mistakes you did. It's how we all have learned and experienced. Without experience you do not delvelop survival skills, nor are you able to grow and mature. So don't be so protective....only give guidence and let them learn from their falls.

[smackie9]

If you coddle your kids way too much you will have a bigger mess on your hands with rebellion.

[hollander77]

She's told me that she trusts me enough to answer any of my questions knowing that I won't judge her, but I feared making the next step (the asking), which is why I've reached out here. I suppose that I'm a little sad, not that she had prior experiences - I've generally been okay with that - I'm sad to understand that there are things from the past that we shouldn't (or won't) talk about. Perhaps I had a naive vision of our marriage, but I didn't think there would ever be topics that we wouldn't be able to discuss freely, but perhaps this is one one that's best for us to leave alone, because I may not be ready to handle it.

I can agree that I'm shaming my fiancee due to my own insecurities and lack of similar sexual experiences. Perhaps I wish I had sown more of my own wild oats before meeting her. Then maybe I'd react more reasonably. It's not the number of people she's slept with. It's not that she had anal sex. I understand and can accept that she had sex because she found validation in herself and she's a different woman now. I was only really disappointed in the case where she showed poor judgement in having a sexual relationship with her much older boss during her summer internship in college. (At first, it made me feel better to think that he took advantage of her, but then again, she was an adult and made her own choice.) I don't want her to apologize, but I hope deep down she realizes it was probably a mistake. Certainly, I've made plenty of mistakes myself. It kills me that I'm not supposed to know these things about her past. I had just assumed there would be nothing that we couldn't share or talk about. But I can put my ego aside in this case - she's too precious and I care about her too much.

Here's what I want to tell her: If and when you feel a need or willingness to share those past experiences some day, I want you to feel that you can do so with impunity and the knowledge that I'll never judge you. Really, I want to be the husband and wife that can share everything -- past, present and future and that there's nothing we can't talk about. You'd certainly agree with this and while you're willing to answer anything that I'd ask, I know you feel uncomfortable that I'd somehow think differently of you. I agree that the time might not be now and that's fine by me. I realize that some of the normal pre-marriage jitters affected me. While none of those jitters had to with your past sexual experiences initially, I think the jitters (about the future, kids, challenges, etc.) made me just insecure enough (even temporarily) to begin to worry about your past experiences with men, when I should have known that it doesn't impact me at all and none of it reflects how you love me today. Of course, I've known this during the three years of our relationship and I'm sorry that I forgot that recently.

[sammygee]

oh no. what a mess
You have to let your kids make horrendous mistakes!!!! The only good parent is the one the teenager calls first when they are in trouble after doing something stupid. In 15 years' time who knows what will be out there for your kids to exeriment with. Have you seen how saturated the internet is with porn? This is a good idea of what is "out there" face facts it's a harsh world and all you can do is be someone they are comforatble enough with to call on when they are in trouble

[surfhb]

Dude! WTF do you care what she did before you? We all have made mistakes and I'm sure your dumb ass has as well. I say get over your hang up before you loose this woman.

Sorry to be harsh but I cant stand seeing these kind of insecurities - especially in men who have a wonderful women who want to to spend the rest of her life with you!

You're going to be in a world of surprise if this is an issue for you and youve committed yourself to a women the rest of your life. LOL!! Marriage is THE HARDEST JOB you will ever have ....so be prepared!

MAN UP PUSSY!!! SERIOUSLY!

[surfhb]

There is no use digging the past. The more you do it, the more it will hurt you. You cannot change the past so why not just forget about it. Take it like this- When you were not in her life, she did whatever she thought was right. Now when she is with you, she is doing whatever she thinks is right. When you were not in her life, why do you hold her accountable to whatever she did then. Even you had 3 sexual partners and because your present partner was not with you at that time, she cannot hold you accountable for anything. If she cheats now, then she is accountable and answerable to you. The past cannot be changed, if you keep thinking about it, you will never have a happy married life. So forget about your past and her past and start afresh. Go to my site and read more about relationships. riflebirdsdotcom

This should be a sticky! Everyone who has hang ups with a partner's past should read this....thanks