Not Quite Right

[FwedFwintstone]

I've only been going out with my girlfriend for a few months, but I've got the impression that things aren't quite right, in that we spend time together, but she doesn't actually make time for me. More or less everything is on her terms, what she wants to do, when she wants to do it. It's like Im filling some kind of emotional void in her life, she wants me when she has nothing better to do and everything is more of a priority to her. She is even taking on more commitments.

When we're together, it's fantastic, but over the past few weeks, I've been getting the sense that Im the only one initiating conversation, that if I didn't text her, she wouldn't text back, we don't phone each other because I never know what state she's going to be in and she doesn't like talking on the phone. Also over the past few weeks, she's been quite distant.

Everything else takes priority and she doesn't text me back - she doesn't even text back when I ask her ""How are you feeling today?" knowing she was ill the day before and had to cancel our date.

So I saw red, told her I thought she was treating me badly, she came back told me I was insecure and she felt I was smothering her - from three or four texts a day and her inviting me out all over the place - in this time we've been going out, we've only done two things that I wanted to do and everything else has been her.

She texted a few days afterwards to say she loved me and said goodnight. Great, back on. Ice broken we can move on.

But since then, she hasn't text me, or got in touch with me. We had plans last week which she hasn't followed up on, had tickets for a gig and were going to meet some friends another day. I text to ask if she's still coming, but she couldn't reply. But she could get on facebook at the same time and post a message.

It was like she is maintaining this public persona of calmness and serenity pretending there's nothing wrong while rubbing my nose in it at the same time.

I send her a text to say we must talk, again, no response.

I gave her an ultimatum, if I don't hear from you, we're finished. She gets back to say she didn't feel like texting because she was upset, and she has all this work she has to do so I can't be priority for the next month.

Sounds reasonable at first, if she would just tell me that's going on and she needs space to do stuff, that's fine, but she doesn't talk to me. She runs hot and cold and I don't know what's happening.

But in all of her messages, especially this on, it's essentially, oh woe is me, me me me, Im the victim, Im hurt, Im upset, I can't handle this, Im busy - nothing at all about addressing the issue.

I did reply to say take however long you need to sort everything and I'll wait to hear from you. No word of thanks for being so understanding or, sorry Im not doing this I'll make more of an effort. No response at all actually - even though she got on facebook again and updated her status.

And then all this leads back into the certain feeling that once again, she has all this work she has to do and needs to focus on it. But she has her other commitments, and she'll find time to do other stuff, but she won't find time, even just an hour for us to sit down and discuss this situation. She won't find an hour for us to be together socially. She won't find five minutes to send me a text.

It's like she's giving me breadcrumbs and I really don't like being treated like this.

She assures me she wants to get this resolved, but she can't do it now cos of her work. If she was serious as she made out, surely she'd have found some time from somewhere.

I got a couple of ideas about what could be happening, but Im just not sure. Im being cautiously optimistic but think that the writing is one the wall. I hope Im wrong. Why she isn't ending it then, I don't know. Im keen to play this out to the conclusion to see what's going to happen.

What do you think I should do now? Am I being silly or am I being perfectly reasonable? How would you interpret her behavior?

Should I wait and see what happens, and how long do you think I should leave it before saying goodbye?

[KelE]

Wow. That sucks. I know it's probably not what you want to do, but you should probably keep yourself busy and do other things and totally go on with your life instead of trying to fit everything in to her whims i.e go to the gym or do activities that make you feel good about yourself. I think things would be better for you if you did that no matter what happens with this female. I personally think people shouldn't be so selfish and if she wants a relationship then something would have to give, because it doesn't seem you are being treated fair. I think you need to find someone that can give you a fair shake and then you would see what a real loving relationship is like and wouldn't even think twice about staying in this one. Just be careful even when you find that right person, cause getting your heart broken really sucks.

[MaidenMinx]

I'm sorry to say but I think she's not so attracted to you anymore. She probably doesn't like the idea of being alone and finds it easier to drag this out than break up with you. I'm sorry.

[Horseyguy]

Maybe she just has her head up her arse and is enjoying her own self importance too much.

Have to say this sounds 90% like my GF was being to me back in January, I honestly thought she didn't want to be in the relationship.

It got to the stage where I was hardly seeing her so I told her she might as well just be done with it and end it and go back to casually dating guys that treated her like crap and I found other stuff to do so when she had some free time and wanted to see me I said no, sorry, maybe catch up in a couple of weeks. That was enough to jolt her out of where she was at, she also had heaps going on at home and work (as we both do) but I just didn't feel that either me or the relationship were a priority to her.

Since I pulled back on her it's been heaps better, I still don't get texts from her like I use to but now rather than getting upset about it I just ignore it, infact I just stop sending her texts if she doesn't respond, after a few days of not hearing from me she pops back up again.

But it took pushing her away to make things happen, before you write it off, make yourself less available and see if that changes anything. Did with us, made her realise what we have is worth working at and to be fair to her she's really made an effort at addressing the issues and it's saved the relationship

[Cinnabella]

To be honest no one is that busy to be bother to reply a text, I feel she's not that into you or she's so independent?

[FwedFwintstone]

This is where it gets weird then. She should be used to being alone as she is very independent and self motivated.

She speaks about me all the time to her friends (and her friends confirm it to me on the odd occasion I meet them). She constantly tells me how much she loves me, and things are great when we're together.

Yet I cannot deny things just feel more distant.

When I mention about mixed signals and ask her why she didn't text back when she was playing a game, she just tells me that I need to relax and chill.

She's not giving me anything to work with and it's getting stupid.

If this is just her unwinding, Im OK with it, but the problem is, she's not talking to me.

She thinks she is right, all of my friends think the situation is nuts, and people on the outside think everything is normal because she's maintaining a very normal public image.

I can think of a few ideas.

Perhaps she definitely wants me but doesn't have the etiquette and doesn't see her behaviour as being rude.

Perhaps she is incapable of thinking of more than two things at a time.

Given that I know she can prioritise what she wants when she wants it and is always there for her friends, then I don't think this is it. I also don't understand why she has taken on more commitments in the past two weeks when she knew she was going to busy.

Her apparent caring and loving qualities, and the fact that she is always there for everyone is what attracted me to her in the first place. What a kind, gentle and loving heart.

Perhaps she wants me to end it so she can present a victim image with a new circle of friends that she is currently building.

The problem is she doesn't tell me anything, so Im left to work it out by myself.

She just tells me I need to relax, that she doesn't want to come in the way of my friends, that we got a lifetime together, that we don't revolve around each other.

I never expected us to. Maybe she's picking up the wrong signals. Maybe Im giving the wrong signals.

I keep explaining to her that Im not going to ignore my friends and neither should she - I said this from the beginning. I know the importance of friends, but it doesn't stop me wanting to spend as much time as possible with my girlfriend.

I don't expect to revolve around her 24/7, I've been trying to show her I respect her space and respect her time, but it's alright for her to make plans and have me hang around her five days a week. Im the one reminding her that her friends and family will be missing her!

She's happy enough to have me hang around her, but when I try to do something or get upset when she doesn't text back, she comes back with all the excuses - I should relax, Im smothering, I should spend more time with my friends.

I just simply do not understand it.

I don't expect to be a priority 24/7, I don't want to spend every day with her. But when she says she's going to be busy with work for the next month, I know that they won't be working all day every day with absolutely no time for themselves. I don't believe out of this chaos they sincerely can't find one minute to send a text even just to say "sorry, busy, will sort something soon". Or Five minutes to send an email.

Or how about making just an hour this week for us both to sit down and sort it out.

It all seems like avoidance on her part.

In my book, you generally don't avoid stuff if you think you're in the clear.

Seems somewhat odd as well to decide "Im going to post a facebook update when my boyfriend texts me and pretend everythings normal".

She isn't totally ignoring me, she did reply to an ultimatum, but I've heard nothing else for a week.

What do do?

Give it a week? Allow the month as mentioned?

[motleylou]

Sounds very similar to my ex, she had a lot of stuff going on at home and also struggled with depression. Towards the end the whole relationship was me, I did everything she made no effort and never let me in even when I would ask are you ok? What's wrong? It's very frustrating when you care for someone so much and they won't let you in, I believe that's just a personality trait and I have excepted that I don't like that in someone and this relationship wouldn't have worked, even though we did get along great and have a ton of fun, deep down on a real level maybe we just weren't that compatible.

[devonbrown]

Right now it sounds like she is comfortable having you in her life no matter what she does. But, at the same time, you are coming across as needy and a bit desperate. You need to refocus on yourself. As weird as it seems, be a little more selfish. Do things that you want to do. Go places that you want to go. More importantly though, do things without her. Focus on your life and you being happy. Stop looking at her facebook page. The only thing that seems to do is get you upset. Stop giving her ultimatums and just focus on you. That is the best I can suggest.

Good luck.

[FwedFwintstone]

Thanks devon. What makes me sound desperate and needy?

I dont doubt that I may come across as being that way, but considering I never really gave up anything to be with her and she is just one part of my life, I struggle to see this neediness. Clearly Im giving off the wrong signals as she keeps telling me that friends are very important and she doesn't want to get in the way. Well she's neither getting in the way, and secondly I want to spend time with her.

But bear in mind again, that she has asked me everywhere and I've gone with it. If you're going to challenge someone for being needy, stop inviting them out! I have no problem living my own life, but if Im doing nothing and she invites me out, I'll go out with her.

As for texting, I don't expect her to text when she's busy, or at work. But a bit of courtesy would be nice, to text back the boyfriend you describe as the best thing in the world, instead of playing games?

If Im going to focus on me, do what I want to do and do things without her, is that really a relationship?

The only reason for the ultimatum, is because she has been ignoring me for a week. I look to be being ignored for another month without being able to sit down and deal with the issues.

[FwedFwintstone]

Just done a personality test, think Im an ISFJ while she's an ISTP. Yes, ISFJ's are apparently super sensitive, while ISTP's dont fully get that they've done anything wrong and aren't good at sharing emotion. That's a good answer. I can deal with that. It's a personality type.

[MaidenMinx]

Just done a personality test, think Im an ISFJ while she's an ISTP. Yes, ISFJ's are apparently super sensitive, while ISTP's dont fully get that they've done anything wrong and aren't good at sharing emotion. That's a good answer. I can deal with that. It's a personality type.

Well there you go then.

I call this sort of thing 'arming yourself with information'. Chances are an astrologer doing a birth chart comparison could have told you the same thing. :p It helps knowing differing personality traits. My partner is a Scorpio, it gives him a need for secrecy. I am a Cancer, it gives me a need for security. When we know this about the other, he can accept that he will have to be more open than he likes and I have to back off sometimes. It's give and take.

[MaidenMinx]

P.S. the kind of secrets he keeps are generally trivial. Like he'll put aside some money and not tell me about it until he has enough to take me out to dinner, things like that. It's not devious secret keeping. He just operates better when he has a secret. I find it endearing, though it troubled me at first. I'd find money stashed away and demand to know what he was going to waste in on which is when he'd remind my birthday was coming up or some other gorgeously adorable explaination. I'd feel like a bitch AND I'd miss out on my surprise.

[FwedFwintstone]

Its still difficult, because I've asked my girlfriend to share more with me because i'm sensitive and have an over active mind. She seems to have a real problem helping me with that. Maybe I need to be more understanding of her need for privacy and space? At least I presume that's what she wants. I dont read signals, and when someone doesn't talk, then I'm already disadvantaged.

[MaidenMinx]

If she is as insensitive as you seem to be describing I think you need to make sure that you have her full attention and you are as descriptive as possible when trying to get her to understand things from your persepctive.
I also think the more understanding you are in regards to her needing space the more understanding you'll get. And I don't mean necessarily from her. If you can take a step back in a detached unemotional way (very difficult I know) and do more just for you one of 2 things is bound to happen. Either she'll start being more understanding her self OR you'll start to understand how well you can do without her.

[FwedFwintstone]

She's already got this mental image of me that Im stressing out, ignoring my friends, too demanding of her time. Nothing could be further from the truth and Im trying to make her see it, but it's difficult because she's not seeing it. Even when I explain and she gets it, she mentions the same stuff the following week. Im not stressing over the relationship, and if I am stressing, it's because Im not able to say what I want and need to be able to say. Now it looks like she won't let me talk to her for a month cos she's simply not responding to me at all in any form of communication.

I do wonder if she's just projecting her insecurities onto me.

When I do talk about giving her space and time to sort stuff out, she keeps turning around and saying no, that's not needed, we'll definitely meet up next week. Or if I don't text her, she'll think I don't like her anymore.

Then she complains I make her feel claustrophobic.

I offer A, she wants B, but she says she wants A. Meanwhile she gives me the A treatment knowing that I have told her I want B!