Torture (insecurities)

[Dr.Phillius]

Alright I'm stepping out of a 7 year relationship. My insecurities and suspiscions are starting to eat away at me and I dont know what to do. Am i doing the write thing? What should I do?

OK I tried. Im unemployed, my wife works in a hospital as a Registered Nurse. So everyday shes going to work, im thinking of the successful men shes around, like doctors and the patients that she deal with, that can actually afford healthcare. Im thinking of all the catheters that she has to put in. All the penis encounters. Wondering if her nursing experience devaluates her perception of me as a man. You never know. Fact remains shes going to be exposed packages that are bigger then mine and that hurts because were not that sexually active.

I feel as though she gives me reasons to think she is cheating or either thinking about cheating. For example. When i tell her about my insecurities, i get called a psycho. As my insecurities grow, I try to discuss them with her but I dont feel as though im getting any help or advise from her. It feels as though she doesnt care anymore.

All i have to say is hun, im detecting cheating symptom (red flags) in this relationship, we need to address them and work on them because I really care about you. she tells me stuff like," Dr.Phillius i can't take this anymore! This is getting out of hand! Everyday Dr.Phillius?!" I gave her a bag with an Iphone, KY Jelly spray, and 12 condoms for valentines day. Mind you, her parents were out of the country and her sister was working a late shift so we had the house to ourselves for the 2 hours that i was there and prolly more had her sister decided to visit her boyfriend. She wasnt even trying to get me to call out. She actually took the phone out, and was asking me, who has never had a cellphone in his life, to fix her clock while i tried so hard to hide my emotions. I felt neglected. Undesired. And wondered if she had plans, for another guy after i left. I got no sex. I eventually ended up almost cheating on her with a female from school. I told her how i felt and why i did it and that i didnt intend to have sex with her but to show her that there are women out there that want to make me happy. I even tried to break up with her then and there, but I took her back and we ended up having make-up sex on a park bench. Now when i tell her i fear shell try to get back at me, she tells me i deserve to be cheated on. But its killing me. I actually have chest pains. Love actually hurts. last year i weight 238 now i weight 209.

HELP: Can someone please tell me how im supposed to feel?
How do i get over my insecurities.
How was I supposed to get her to help me?
Your advise is greatly appreciated.

[Dune]

Now with a pinch of salt, I think that the main issue here is your OWN self esteem.

I understand you seeking her approval/trying to get more intimacy out of your relationship.

But from what I read, I think you're neglecting yourself pretty much. I guess the relationship 'eats' at you and you feel tortured by your insecurities because deep down, you probably feel undeserving/unworthy etc.

I apologise if I sound like I'm rubbing salt into your wounds, but dude.. You need to boost your own self esteem/ self worth.

Do something that'll make you proud of YOURSELF. Hopefully if I'm right, when your self esteem gets some much needed work, your confidence and sexyness will come back, and so too will her attraction for you.

[VincenzoG91]

You have too much time on your hands, time enough to obsess over non-existent problems. While I'm sure that you've been looking for a job, that still leaves you with too much free time to be alone with your wacky thoughts. Catheters? Really? If anything, your wife is probably sick of looking at sick men and their flaccid penises all day, not turned on by them.

So what about a temp job? Or you could at least do some volunteer work, and then try to network into a regular job through the new people you are meeting through volunteer work. Also, the volunteer work will give you a serious boost to your self-esteem.

Also, can you help out more around the house? Your wife is working hard enough to support you both, so she is probably tired when she gets home. If she is then expected to fix you a meal and do all the cleaning, that probably doesn't leave her in the mood to have sex. The least you could do right now is to pick up the slack and take care of the chores so she can relax when she gets home.

[Nicholas_V]

Dude, get a life (and I don't mean this in a sarcastic way). Make friends, be good to yourself and learn to appreciate yourself for who you are. Getting a job is probably the one thing that would help you most in getting back a good part of your emotional balance and self-esteem.

I am a heterosexual male and think like one, but were I in her shoes I would probably have felt and acted the same way.

[Dr.Phillius]

Dude, get a life (and I don't mean this in a sarcastic way). Make friends, be good to yourself and learn to appreciate yourself for who you are. Getting a job is probably the one thing that would help you most in getting back a good part of your emotional balance and self-esteem.

I am a heterosexual male and think like one, but were I in her shoes I would probably have felt and acted the same way.

I want to bring to your your attention that I LEFT a relationship for 7 years. 6 of those years i felt like i was her company. Negelected. I mean how do you buy an Iphone for a female, after being in a relationship with her for 3 years, in this day and age, on Valentines day, 12 pack condoms, and KY Jelly, the house is basically empty for the next 4 hours but she pulls the phone out and askes you to set up her clock? Ladies what would you do if you were in her situation? Men how would you feel if you were me? You and your GF have sex an average of every 3 weeks. You brought to her attention a million times that you need emotional support from her. You even messed up in the past by secretly talking to a co-worker about your relationship. All your friends are sick and tired of hearing your realationship issues. And yes i have plenty friends. I also feel as though this ordeal is going to negatively effect my relationship with them. I am a faithful and devoted heterosexual male. I also think like one. I learned from my past mistakes and learned that before you consider infidelity, bring it to your partners attention because I personally believe that nobody should be cheated. Only problem, 6 years ago, she was more assertive. Now she wont even listen to me. She doesnt care about my feelings and i constantly tell her that i am contantly presented with opportunities to cheat or start a relationship with someone new but i value and love her soo much that I was willing to work it out. I just had to leave because I realized that I dont want to spend the next years of my life begging for the things that I should be recieveing from a woman; naturally. I cant allow myself to reach that inevitble point when she finds something better and drops me like a hot tomalie.

I fill out an average of 5-12 applications a day. Some sites i apply 2-4 times per website. I am really trying to meet her financial expectations but maybe god is not giving me a good job for a reason. Maybe he wanted me to see her true colors. Now that shes gone, it feels as though i can breath a little bit better. I am looking forward to filling out this empty void that i created upon leaving this 7 year long relationship. i look forward to quitting smoking, longer sleeping hours, and bettering myself as a whole spirtually,metnally and physically. Only problem is, that now im wondering if I made a mistake.

Your advise and support is greatly appreciated. Please read the thread carefully and analytically, and dont forget to fill out the pole.

[Nicholas_V]

In that case, if she makes you feel that way, yes you did the right thing walking away. What's the point of being in a relationship that makes you feel worse than if you were alone? Maybe you were just a bad match.

As for work, just keep looking - not so that you can meet anyone's financial or other expectations, but for you. Job market doesn't look too good for some time now, so bear this in mind and don't beat yourself up over this.