Do guys just view attraction differently than girls?

[pepper]

Hi,

So I ended up admitting to a guy that I had feelings for him and he told me he does not return them. We have made out before and I know he was at least physically attracted to me. He told me because he felt no spark when we kissed that he knows he will never have feelings for me. He kept saying NEVER! He said he just wants to be friends because he is looking for infatuation and he thinks he cannot have feelings for someone unless that occurs within 10 minutes of knowing them. I am not sure if he is just messed up because he has an ex gf who has been trying to get him back for years and he said never felt the attraction between him and her so now he will never give anyone else a chance. I get it I will move on...but should I try to be his friend anyway? I would not try to be sneaky but I believe real feelings and sparks happen once you get to know someone...do guys just see it differently? Or am I the only one who thinks you need to know someone to have more of a connection than just lust?

[Nicholas_V]

you are right in thinking that feelings develop over time - but for feelings to have a chance to develop, you need to have two-way chemistry in place (you can be physically attracted to someone without feeling connected). Maybe that's what he doesn't find in you - and that makes him assert that he can never have feelings for you in the future just to make himself clear and avoid giving you false hope.

[pepper]

But you do not believe that you can have start to have chemistry with a person later in life? Like you cannot start to feel a connection with someone after becoming friends and getting to know them personally?

[Nicholas_V]

No, it has not happened to me. If there is chemistry I sense it right away. Most of the times nothing comes out of it, because chemistry alone is not enough (as we say in math jargo it's a "necessary but not sufficient condition"). But in all the relationships I've had so far, chemistry was there from the beginning - feelings came later.

[Dune]

I wouldn't go as far as to say all guys view it that way. We obviously DON'T. I guess he's just drawing from his past experience regarding how his attraction towards other women is like. And if it doesn't happen, then no he won't give it a chance. YES meaningful feelings do take time to develop.

If you see something in him, by all means get to know him more/let him get to know you more. For all he knows, he probably don't even know what he wants HAHA. Some people do NOT know what they want (excuse me while I chuckle to this). Maybe keep your emotions safe, so if nothing happens, you won't feel so bad about it.

[FeelingLost]

I think that maybe men place more emphasis on visual appearence than women. A beautiful, good-looking girl pushes a botton and triggers certain emotions in a man. So if you are not good-looking you simply need to learn how to "install" that botton.

[Nicholas_V]

appearance is not the only thing - not even the most important one (though it is important). Chemistry is the major factor - whether you feel that you "click" with the person sitting next to you. And as far as I am concerned I can tell this on day 1.