Love with walls up?

[aprilrose4]

My question is how do you know it's love when you have your walls up from previous broken hearts? The last two guys I dated I went full force with my heart and it ended up getting hurt. Now with this new guy I am trying to take it slow, back off emotionally so I don't break my own heart again. The problem is I want to love him, he is what I have been looking for. I can see our future together and it looks amazing. He also has been hurt and tells me to take it slow and then turns around and tells me he loves me one night after he was drinking. So do I believe him? Or was it the alcohol talking? When I am with him I feel like I can look him in the eye and tell him with my whole heart that I love him, but when I am away from him I guess my doubts start to kick in, the fear of getting hurt again. Btw, I am 33 y/o woman going through a divorce so I am not in any type of infatuation or puppy love. I have lived and loved and want that again for my life. Everything I have read online so far has been geared toward teenagers or people experiencing their first real love. I want the mature, responsible, previously broken hearted answers. Thanks

[rcwood84]

wow. this sounds similar to me and my ex girlfriend. we dated summer 2008 into august 2009

we are a little younger: she is 22 and im 26. but, she has a child from a previous relationship. in that relationship, it was her high school boyfriend who was her good friend at first. the preganancy came senior year shockingly after he forced sex on her. even though they were in a relationship; she said no and he did not comply. she is asian and her parents are strict. they did not approve of him being white. however, she chose to stay with him for the child's sake. he ended up putting her in dangerous situations and even cheating on her and leaving her for another girl when she was pregnant. he one time tossed her out of a car while they were arguing and she broke her wrist. horrible stuff he put her through and he really hurt her. i know this sound trashy but she was an honor student in high school and studying to do cardiology in college. she is a smart girl but was in a bad situation.

i had a girlfriend who left me after over 4 years; so, i was hurt myself. my dad was diagnosed with cancer at the time we got together; so i was reeling from that. i had just moved back here from san francisco to take care of my father and start grad school here. i was taking off of school to help my father and working as a personal trainer when we met. my mother died when i was small and im his only child. he only remarried when i was 19 so my dad's illness affected me deeply.

after her child's father left her. my ex was dating a total idiot before she met me. he was pushing 30. had little education. an alcoholic. he was attentive to her though and her self esteem was low. thats why she dated him. she had no feelings for him and did not love him. she said it was easy to date a guy she didnt love so she didnt have to risk getting hurt again. her friends and family were bewildered because she is gorgeous and he is way beneath her.

i met her doing some tutoring for her for college. she had just broken up with this cat a couple months prior. when i first saw her, i felt like it was christmas. how could such a beautiful girl exist? well we became friends. talked all of the time. formed a close connection. began to date. waited to have sex. and we got into this beautiful relationship where it was like we were best friends who is strongly attracted to eachother. unfortunately putting to many walls up was the death of us.

as feelings got deeper, we began to pull away from each other. she would give a little, id pull away. id give a little, she would pull away. i began to close off from her as my dad became ill. we broke up for a few weeks and she was devestated as was i. i found out she was hanging out with her ex because "she was hurting so badly and didnt want to be alone". i told her she should have came to me and we reconciled. things were never the same. it took her a while to make sure he knew she was never in love with him and nothing would ever happen with them because she did not want to hurt him. i turned off even more on her. i began to be immature and play a come here go there routine with her. deep down; i was afraid of losing my father and the girl i love. she had guy friends chasing her and it bothered me. in particular, one 29 year old viet guy who her parents approved of. he was childish and obsessed with video games and being pretentious but he had a good job he got through his father. she went to a wedding with this guy behind my back and i found out. her bro said she did it to get points with her parents because they have been distanced since she became pregnant. she would brought it up to me like she was trying to get a reaction and she got one. i began to pull completely away. i didnt handle it the right way but i was hurting badly. we broke up and havent talked much since. we broke up through getting in an argument one day and never speaking again. it was odd circumstances. she dated this asian guy for a while after we broke up but eventually broke up with him. according to mutual friends, dating guys who are "safe" who she can be friends with but isnt in love with isnt working for her that well,.

long story short: we both ruined a beautiful thing by putting up walls. dont do the same. please. i know its hard to trust him. but just remember to give this time. communicating how you are feeling from the heart is important. if she and i did this or i at least had the tools to be mature and do this; i firmly believe we would still be together. since my dad passed last november, i have grown a lot and matured. i have the tools now to communicate with her but we have been broken up for a year now. she started attending my college and i have to see her from afar on campus. dont end up like me. i lost someone who was beautiful to my life over holding back too much and being too careful. it is good to give relationships time before you jump in but not too hold back what is in your heart too much. your boyfriend sounds like the way i was. try to be easy on him. dont play a "come here, go there" routine with him. be protective of yourself; but just be open and genuine...true to your feelings. if my ex and i could have let ourselves love one another, i would have married her and done my best to be the kind of partner she deserves- to be careful with her heart, never cause her any more tears, and be a good surrogate parent to her precious child. love is not perfect but i would have fought for her if she wouldve let me into her heart

[pisces25]

Give him your trust. Believe that even if you do get hurt you will be ok and your life will go on. You are only half in the relationship feeling like this. Unfortunately loving someone is about losing control which is very scary but the way I see you are either in a relationship and not completely happy due to fear, insecurity, doubt etc or alone and not completely happy either (if you want to have a partner). So either way you won't be happy. May as well give this relationship all you have and experience it truly and wholly or break it off and stay single. Tell him your fears, not out of wanting reassurance but just so you are communicating and opening up. How can somone fall in love with the real you if you are barricaded? There are no guarantees in life, nothing is permanent so just enjoy the moment. The relationship won't fail because you have opened up. It will fail coz you haven't and then you start the heart-break cycle all over again.

[aprilrose4]

Think I'm gonna go for it. It's really hard to hold myself back and it's so frustrating. I want to open up, want him to know it all. Life is too short for me to be holding back. Thanks for your help!