In a relationship but interested in a married man

[sarah2]

It sounds bad. And I know it is.

Me: in a relationship with a great guy x 4 years
Him: Married x 7 years + children

Ok. I'm not asking whether I should continue talking to this married man or not. I know I shouldn't. This is a guy I met 6 months ago...we have not had physical contact (kissing/touching/sex) but we talk all day every day. We have shared hundreds of emails and texts in the past few months, including many flirtatious/sexual conversations.

Prior to meeting this man my relationship with bf was great. I thought I wanted to marry him and be with him forever. Obviously I don't feel that way anymore. I don't plan on having a physical affair with this married man but I'm wondering if I should continue my relationship with bf or end it. I just think that if I really loved him (bf) as much as I thought I did I would have never became interested in anyone else. Ever since meeting 'married man' I just don't feel the same love I used to feel for bf. I don't feel like we have much in common and I am not very excited about a future with him.
I care about him a lot but I think it would be selfish for me to stay with him knowing that one day I may become interested in someone else and break his heart. I've never cheated on him but If the man I have been talking to was not married I probably would have cheated.

I guess there's something missing in my relationship. I don't know if I should talk to my bf about this and try to fix things or just break up with him.

[MerryH]

I don't know if I should talk to my bf about this

...and tell him what, exactly? That you've been having a secret emotional affair with a married man but you still really want to make your relationship work even though you don't love him as much anymore and have little in common and you're not very excited about a future with him? Why? Just break up with him.

Your current relationship (with your boyfriend) is done, I think, but in the future, maybe it would help you to know that lots of people form stupid crushes while in a relationship but never act on them because they are silly, fleeting grade-school crushes that are not worth ruining a good thing over. My point is: just because you feel chemistry with someone doesn't mean you should go and exchange hundreds of flirtatious/sexual emails and texts. Control yourself.

[Mathias]

You should talk to your boyfriend about it so he can dump you.

Grow up.

[MaidenMinx]

Should you break up with your boyfriend? That's up to you. Is this a fork in the road or just a pothole? No one can decide that for you.
Should you tell him? Again, up to you. If you want to leave, well there's a perfect excuse. If you want to stay, well my advice would be keep it to yourself and deal with the guilt.

[strikestwice]

You are having an emotional affair, if you sent some of those emails and texts to your boyfriend I'm sure it would spice up your relationship. If you are craving that kind of attention I"m sure your bf is starved for it because he is not getting it from you since you are preoccupied. The grass is always greener on the other side; but you have to ask yourself when was the last time your watered your grass?

[John Littlejohn]

I think you yourself and others have condemned you sufficiently for the emotional affair, which in my mind is worse than a physical affair. After all, the relationship is supposed to be about the emotions, not just the sex, right? And if that's true, then your emotional fidelity must be even more important than mere sexual fidelity.

But I do want to address what you say here:

I just think that if I really loved him (bf) as much as I thought I did I would have never became interested in anyone else... I care about him a lot but I think it would be selfish for me to stay with him knowing that one day I may become interested in someone else and break his heart.

You need to abandon this kind of fanciful thinking. You're a human being, not a robot. Your love for your partner doesn't turn off attraction to others like a switch. If you are always going to take attraction to others as a signal that you don't love your current partner, then you will never have a successful monogamous relationship. Everyone is attracted to other people, no matter how much they love their partner. The question is what you actually do about it--- whether you manage that attraction with maturity, honesty, and integrity, or with dishonesty and cheat.

And no matter what relationship you are in or how long, there is always the possibility that one of you will break the other's heart. The worry that some day, 10 years down the road, one of you will leave, or cheat, or die, is not a criterion a mature person uses to evaluate a relationship that is happening now, today or feelings that they feel for their partner now, today.

Whether you love him or not is for you to decide, based on the feelings that are actually in your heart--- not on your attractions to other people. If you love him and want a monogamous relationship with him, then stop seeing other people. It's as simple as that. If you don't want a monogamous relationship with him, then break it off, and the sooner the better.

[sarah2]

Thank you all for your great advice. Thank you John. I do need to think about this. Unfortunately I just don't feel very close to my boyfriend anymore (I know it is my fault). Ill either try to give him all of my attention and make an effort to get on the same page or will end the relationship. I'll do whatever feels right.

[reeba]

Grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

I think you should stop contact with your current bf. Your relationship has obviously run its course. And you can't keep them both, because that is called CHEATING.

And you should STOP all contact with the married guy. First he is trying to cheat on his wife which shows he is of lousey character. Second, because once a cheater, always a cheater - the same WILL eventually happen to you since he has a proven track record for cheating. And in most cases he will not leave his wife, even if he wishes to, promises to, etc.

Go out and find yourself a normal healthy relationship with someone who is single