Need some advise from an outsider.

[lylia05]

I am new to this site and need some serious advice from an outsider's perspective.

My boyfriend of a year and a half, who I have lived with all along has Friday's off while I work so he usually stays up and plays video games on Thursday nights. Last Thursday I couldn't sleep so I went out to the living room and he had something up on his phone that he blatantly hid from me and obviously did not want me to see. Usually I would drop it, but it really bothered me this time so I nagged him for a few days and could tell that he was lying when he told me that he couldn't remember and "why would i risk a year and a half by doing something stupid."

It got to a point where the thought of it was consuming me, I just had this gut feeling so I logged into his e-mail (I know.. wrong!)I then discovered that he had been a member of 2 fetish websites, had a secret e-mail address, and even had Craig's list ads for sex partners! My immediate reaction was to pack all of my stuff into my vehicle. My boyfriend immediately left work and came home pleading that he couldn't lose me and how much he loved me. He claimed he never would have done anything physical or met anyone in real life, it was just a fantasy.I read through so many things on these websites and he had been speaking to at least one girl for many months and always told her how he wanted to cuddle with her, wished she had lived closer, he wanted to kiss her, wanted to have sex with her, and that he even wanted to take her camping with him, which is what we do together.

I think what hurts me the most is that he cheated on me emotionally. I decided to stay with him, but it's been 4 days and I can't even look at him. Our relationship will never be the same because I feel like he is always thinking about these other girls. I just don't get how a guy can tell a girl that he's never met that he wants to cuddle with her while his girlfriend is sleeping in his bed. HELLO! Go to bed and cuddle with your girlfriend. I can't have sex with him because I feel that he is just pretending that I'm one of his fantasy girls. I even cried when he told me that I was beautiful because it pretty much completely loses it's meaning when he posted on hundreds of girls' pictures online how beautiful they are.

This may seem trivial to some because he didn't physically cheat on me, but I have zero tolerance feelings towards cheating and I'm just hurt that he can tell me he loves me when he clearly has feelings for at least one other girl. I just don't know what to do at this point. I want to stay, but I want to leave. I'm not afraid to be single, but I just feel so invested in THIS relationship. Help. Please.

[DarkHelmet82]

My ex broke up with her ex for something similar... she said she found transgender porn on his computer. She began to question his sexuality. They were engaged too... she decided to end it with him and dated me. She still thinks about him thugh and dumped me because of it...

If you are questioning his sexuality, i would get out.. how good of a role model is he going to be for your kids?

[jstr88]

first of all, big hug. also, from an outsider's point of view, all that extra curricular online activity that he's been involved in sounds absolutely disgusting. i know that you're invested in this relationship but i think you should ask yourself if, in the bigger picture, this is the kind of man you want. the fact that you're uncertain sort of speaks volumes and from one woman to another, this makes me sick to my stomach. if anything emotional cheating is much worse because it requires thinking. the physical aspect is just innate.

if you're feeling conflicted, it's a sign that this is no good. listen to your gut, sweetie.

[pisces25]

You are going to have serious trust issues which will be hard to overcome. I was in a similar situation (although not quite as bas as yours) and I ended up leaving my BF. He got a scare and after about a month asked to meet up with me and sort things out. I decided to give him another chance. We are currently rebuilding out relationship. It is hard and I have a lot of baggage from what happened but we are determined to make things work. I would suggest you take some time for yourself to evaluate how you feel and view the relationship and see if you feel like giving your trust back to him. You will never get over what he has done if you just try and sweep it under the rug or continue on as normal. As you say something has changed in the relationship and that is VERY hard to get back. But with hard work, communication, trust and honesty it is possible. Also, maybe explore why he was saying those things to another girl. What is he missing with you to make him do that? Maybe by pinpointing what drove him to that behaviour will assist in the rebuilding effort if you go down that road.
Good luck.

[MMLovestochat]

Hi, all I could tell you is I stayed in the same situation for 16 years, former friends with benefits calling, sending e-mails, sexual talk, I even e-mailed them back and told them that I would e-mail their spouses or signaficant others, but they all came first over me, he now has 4-8 weeks left to live due to lung cancer, and has completely shut me out, my advice is move on find someone that makes you top priority, you will be much happier, its better to be single and happy, then to be in a relationship miserable, and always 2nd best.

[irishqueen 2003]

I have a similar problem. I have been with my fiance for 8 years and a woman who became my friend since January this year has been after him. It all started about 3 moths ago. I was watching how she was around him very flirtatious and I caught him winking at her when she was leaving to go home. And I asked him why as you dont do that to any of my other friends he denied he did even though I saw him, I told my best friend who told me just to keep my eyes open as she is a right flirt with all men. Then 3 weeks ago as my Fiance was working away my 2 Best friends were out with this woman in the pub. And this woman got a phone call and my friend saw her phone and it said my man name and she asked why he was phoning her. And she walked off to the bathroom, and my 2 friends waited for 10minutes and then went looking for her. Her face dropped when they walked in she put him on loudspeaker and asked him what are you going to do to me then, and he started describing what he would do to her re: Oral Sex and how he wanted to take her away for the weekend and make her happy.And he kept asking her are we going to get it together then. My 2 friends had heard enough and shouted at him down the phone. Then hung up. He tried to phone back 6 times. They came and told me the folowing day, but he had phoned me after he had been drinking after a normal chat he throws into the conversation if this woman says I said I want to sleep with her just ignore her...needless to say alarm bells went off. Im asking were this came from and he says if you dont believe me forget it. He says he hasnt done anything wrong, it was just talk and she says it was all him and vice versa. I dont know what to think or do....Ive trusted him for 8 years and we have a 5yr old daughter too. Please can someone give me advice as my head is messed up and she lives literally 4 doors away from me too....

[RB7]

Its tough but in my experience, you have got to have a VERY big heart to forget something like that. Personally cheating is cheating, even if its emotional, after all isn't that what love is, emotion is a big part of that. Yes people can have fantasies but what would be on my mind constantly is what would have happened if the woman was close by? what would have happened if I didn't see that message. Its too exhausting for me. Yeah it would hurt like hell but I'd move on. Goodluck!

[LoveBack]

First of all, you might need to have a serious talk with your bf in order for you to decide what you can or will do....

talk to him how hurtful you are and how you feel... if he said that he is just doing it for "fantasy", just ask him how he will feel if you did the same.... honestly, if he thinks that's no problem for you to do the same.. then you really need to consider if this is the guy you should spend your time with~~~

Nothing can help you feel better unless you talk to him as his answer will be your decision on how to deal with this relationship~~