I can seriously step in it sometimes!

[a19drift]

Okay gents, here's the skinny.

I have a blog, and I vent into this blog because nobody reads it. Well, today my SO read it. Not good, because I have had a lot of bitch fest's over him on there.

I'm also quite needy and prone to meltdowns after completely over analyzing every single thing about our relationship, or lackthereof.

Today he said, "All this stuff keeps coming up, and it's getting old fast."
So I made a decision. And I replied, "You're right. It needs to stop. I'm done bringing all this stuff up. I swear."

("Stuff" like -- Do I mean anything to you? Why can't we label our relationship? Are you going to leave me for that girl? Why don't you text me back right away?) Even I know it's petty and completely useless.

Tonight he said to me, "Maybe we should just take a break."
I said, "To be honest, I don't want to do that. I'll do whatever you want, stop staying at your place, I will clean up my act. Please don't just push me away like that. I feel like when you say you want a break, what you're really saying is you want to be done."

He replied much later, "If I wanted to be done, I would say I want to be done. I feel like all we are doing is beating a dead horse. I doubt I'll ever be the guy you want me to be."
I promptly replied to him and told him he is in fact the guy I want him to be, and had I not just said a few nights previous in a serious talk of ours that I want him just the way he is, no changes? I said I was done talking circles, or beating the dead horse. "Tell me what you want, because I want to not f*ck things up with you."

I'm not asking a question really, but I'd like some advice from the male POV. What the hell am I doing? Is this break, should it come about, going to be detrimental to my relationship? Any pointers on how to basically stop messing up? Oh help.

[bulrush]

Your blog clearly says he is not the guy you want him to be. You are pushing him away with your crabbiness and complaining. Time to grow up and pick your fights. Don't fight about petty stuff that doesn't really matter. And it sounds like you have issues with trusting him or something. Because you keep asking him about your relationship with him. If you don't trust him, try to find out why. Maybe discuss it with a counselor. Maybe discuss it with him.

[HeartIsAching]

You have some deep and divisive security issues. You say those things to elicit a response that is reassuring to you. That DOES get old fast.

I'd see somebody about your security problems, or it's GOING to cause a problem. If he's a nice guy, he'll just break up with you. If he's an abusive asshole like I used to be, he's going to think "huh... if I'm gonna do the time, I might as well do the crime."

[a19drift]

bulrush - Thanks for the response. The truth is, he is the guy I want him to be, and the only reason I 'blog all about it' is so I can stop freaking out on the guy. Getting a handle on yourself and saying you're going to get a handle on yourself are two very separate things, one is obviously much easier, the other..not so much. He does some shady stuff, am I wrong to have a few trust issues when it comes to stuff like that? I think I've developed these issues because I worry that calling him out on things is too risky -- sometimes it's like walking on eggshells with the man. In the grand scheme of things, I don't mind. He's worth it. I haven't thought about seeing someone to talk about it, thanks again.

HeartIsAching - He's neither a nice guy, nor an abusive asshole, however I'm not sure how to define him. Militant. A man's man. No fuss, no games. Thanks for the reply, and as for YOU being an ex-abusive asshole, I'm glad for any women in your life that it's no longer true.

I finally gave in late last night and sent him a text, I said that I was doing my best to just leave him alone..give him a little space, I also said I hope he'd had a better day that the previous one. Left it at that, and frankly I didn't expect a response. I did get one though. He said he thinks I'M the one who needs the break, not him. Says I'm two different people, one is awesome and someone he can actually see him with, and the other seems to be on the verge of a melt down. I guess we'll see what happens.

[HeartIsAching]

bulrush - Thanks for the response. The truth is, he is the guy I want him to be, and the only reason I 'blog all about it' is so I can stop freaking out on the guy. Getting a handle on yourself and saying you're going to get a handle on yourself are two very separate things, one is obviously much easier, the other..not so much. He does some shady stuff, am I wrong to have a few trust issues when it comes to stuff like that? I think I've developed these issues because I worry that calling him out on things is too risky -- sometimes it's like walking on eggshells with the man. In the grand scheme of things, I don't mind. He's worth it. I haven't thought about seeing someone to talk about it, thanks again.

HeartIsAching - He's neither a nice guy, nor an abusive asshole, however I'm not sure how to define him. Militant. A man's man. No fuss, no games. Thanks for the reply, and as for YOU being an ex-abusive asshole, I'm glad for any women in your life that it's no longer true.

I finally gave in late last night and sent him a text, I said that I was doing my best to just leave him alone..give him a little space, I also said I hope he'd had a better day that the previous one. Left it at that, and frankly I didn't expect a response. I did get one though. He said he thinks I'M the one who needs the break, not him. Says I'm two different people, one is awesome and someone he can actually see him with, and the other seems to be on the verge of a melt down. I guess we'll see what happens.

Thanks. My wife and I have had the occasional small issue, but on the whole we're stupid-happy. I've learned better and am continuing to work on it - I will be for the rest of my life, as a lifetime of habits don't get unlearned in a single year.

And just so you know - abuse takes many forms, most of them are mental and emotional, not physical... what you were doing to him is a form of abuse, and I'd encourage you to get counseling. He was right in his reply to you - you do need time to sort things, and I can tell you from experience that it's easier with help.

[a19drift]

If I'm abusing him, but I'm the one who feels hurt and confused all the time...I feel like there's something wrong with that. Literally everything that is wrong with "us" is my fault, according to him. I'm his, free and clear..I have no plans to make him chase me, hand him and ultimatum, anything. I just want to be with him. All I'm asking for is that he not let me think I could be dead and it wouldn't make a difference.