Advise on helping my new girlfriend deal with my ex wife

[RJAW]

Hi guys let me thank you in advance for any advice you may give me i am at a loss as to what i can do about this problem..

Basically i am 31 years old, my ex wife is the same age and we have a 5 year old daughter together, we got married for the wrong reasons it didn't work and we have been seperated for 5 years and divorced for 2 however i still see her once a week for about 5 mins when i drop my daughter back to her after seeing her for the day however i dont go in the house and our relationship is amicable purely for the sake of our daughter.

I have been seeing a girl for about 7 months now and she is the first serious relationship i have had since my split from my ex. I told my new girlfriend that i had an ex wife and a daughter on our first date so as not to surprise her with anything down the line and she appriciated that.

I know it must be difficult for her to accept the fact i have a child and an ex wife but she has been brilliant about the whole thing and we have been having a great relationship that just works its fantastic and she loves the fact i see my daughter and has no problem with this and this is the first woman i can honestly say .

Now to my problem:-

A couple of days ago my new girlfriend said she had a bit of an issue with my ex wife, basically my ex wife called me twice (i missed the calls) while i was in the shower at my girlfriends house, my girlfriend informed me of this so i called her back and when i told my ex wife where i was she hung up the phone and now my girlfriend thinks my ex still has feelings for me, i never thought this at the time but after that i am inclined to agree with her, i have no such feelings for my ex wife. My girlfriend knows that i never go in to my ex wifes house and only ever drop my daughter off at the door however about a week ago i did to talk to my ex wife and inform her that sometime soon i would like to introduce my daughter to my girlfriend, i did not tell my girlfriend this and it came out in the discussion we had about her feelings about my ex wife. Now, understandably, my girlfriend has a bigger issue because,like an idiot, i lied,by ommission, about going into my ex wifes house and talking with her which resulted in a huge bust up.

We both want to find a solution for this as we are totally in love with each other but at the moment we cannot find a way that would not interfere with my seeing my daughter which my girlfriend doesn't want and i wouldnt allow..

PLEASE HELP ME ON THIS i dont want this relationship to end and if we cant find a solution i fear that it will

Thank you so much everyone

xxx

[Boisdevie]

YOur behaviour sounds perfectly reasonable. Sounds like your girlfriend has issues that she needs to deal with, You love your daughter and obviously don't want to do anything to make that relationship difficult.

[hello1]

Hey why don't you stop lieing to your girlfriend about your ex wife and don't go into her house anymore?

You will find it hard to find a woman who will put up with you lieing about going into your ex wife house. You can wait till your child 18 to have a relationship if your unwilling to take into account your girlfriend feelings at all. I say she is better off without you if all you care about is your ex and your daughter.

[RJAW]

I dont care about my ex but do care about my daughter and the only time i went into her house was to talk about my girlfriend meeting my daughter other than that we dont speak and sorry but are you suggesting i dont see my daughter till she is 18?? if thats what your suggesting, i may be wrong, then your an idiot sorry if i took that wrong.

If i did care about my ex i wouldn't be with my girlfriend

and of course i have already said i will never go into her house any more

[hello1]

No what I meant was maybe you should wait till your daughter was an adult before you began dating again if you can't understand any girlfriends you may have feelings.

I am talking from her point of view, yes you may of lied once but so what? its a big lie and in her head she is thinking "Why would he lie about this? is he hiding something? does he want get back with the mother of his child."

Some women will not date men with children for this reason, for the reason they worry about the ex and she will always be there. She does not want it thrown in her face, she wants you two to have the less amount of contact possible and if you can't do that then your relationship will not work and she will move on to a man who has no baggage or who doesn't need go into his exs house to talk.

[RJAW]

Ahh ok well that i agree with

I know she has feelings and i know how tough this would be for her, i have said i wont go into her house anymore and i agree with what you say about what she may be thinking

what i am asking is are there any suggestions about how i may go about putting her mind more at ease?
remembering i have already said i will never go into her house any more and i show her any text my ex sends me and tell her about every time she calls and why

[hello1]

Ahh ok well that i agree with

I know she has feelings and i know how tough this would be for her, i have said i wont go into her house anymore and i agree with what you say about what she may be thinking

what i am asking is are there any suggestions about how i may go about putting her mind more at ease?
remembering i have already said i will never go into her house any more and i show her any text my ex sends me and tell her about every time she calls and why

To me that sounds very fair and she will get over it. Just don't lie again

[surfhb]

Oh Please!!! Yes you lied by omission and you wont do it again but your GF needs to understand and accept you have an ex-wife and daughter by her. Why cant you go into your ex's house? Thats just plain stupid and childish.....your kid is whats important here. There's no way i could help raise my kid without going into my Ex-wifes house. My GF accepts this as a job a good parent does.

And who's the numb nuts who suggested you dont date till your daughter is an adult?

I say tell your GF to grow up or hit the road!

Like it or not, you have baggage. Plenty of people around who will accpet you and your baggage because they see thats how life is. Other will not. Move on my friend.....this is your life......**** what your girlfriend wants.

[surfhb]

i have already said i will never go into her house any more and i show her any text my ex sends me and tell her about every time she calls and why

You dont owe her anything when comes to raising your daughter. She doesnt trust you...plain and simple. Leave her now and find a real woman

[hello1]

And who's the numb nuts who suggested you dont date till your daughter is an adult?

I say tell your GF to grow up or hit the road!

Like it or not, you have baggage. Plenty of people around who will accpet you and your baggage because they see thats how life is. Other will not. Move on my friend.....this is your life......**** what your girlfriend wants.

It was sarcasm when I said he shouldn't date till his daughter was an adult. This man loves this woman so why shouldn't be be trying to make her feel better? he owes nothing to his ex at all, all he has to worry about is his child not about hurting his ex feelings. My boyfriend has a child and guess what I wouldn't be happy if he was going in her home and having nice chats with her either! He wants to make his girlfriend happy and why shouldn't he? why should he have failed relationships just because he has an child and has to deal with an ex? simple fact is an ex should be treated as an ex, doesn't matter if they have a child or not.

[surfhb]

Didnt catch the sarcasm...sorry

He owes everything to his daughters well being and his GF needs to understand that includes cordial conversations with his ex-wife. I have to talk with my ex about all kinds of things related to our son.

Any woman who has a hard time with the "business" of being a parent with an ex hits the curb as far as Im concerned. He's not cheating on his GF and not liying so he basically has to deal with her insecurities? Say good bye to this girl

[vashti]

Your girlfriend sounds very immature. I'm not sure that this is going to be a good for your daughter in the long run. it sounds like she is looking for trouble, and may even stoop to creating it where it doesn't need to exist.

If she were a mature woman, she would understand that you are divorced for a reason. It's not as though you are running over to your ex's house daily to do home repairs for her, or going over for a cocktail. You will be communicating with that woman for the rest of your life because you made a kid together. If your girlfriend can't get on board with that, she should move on. Otherwise, you can expect that she will eventually be so resentful that she will start taking it out on your daughter.

You will need to be hyper-vigilant about these types of reactions out of your girlfriend. You need to keep your daughter as your priority. It is GOOD for children when their parents can act like grown ups, and can have discussions. It is BAD for children when new girlfriends with no parenting experience can't handle their jealousy.

[RJAW]

Thanks for all the advice so far but would like more on what i could do to help ease her mind...mayb your right mayb she is just creating a situation to which there is no solution but i dont know...she isn't really that kind of person and we have talked quite a lot about it wont bore you with all the details.

Oh and for reference the chat i had with my ex wife about introducing my daughter to my girlfriend towards the end of the year was by no means cosy...

I think her main problem was the lie not anything else so i have suggested a number of things like calling her after i drop my daughter off dropping my daughter off with her best friend (lives 2 doors down) but she doesn't want that as she doesn't want to be controlling etc and although its not ideal as a long term solution in the short term i need to rebuild her trust and thats where i am coming up short.

[vashti]

you are not coming up short, and by trying to "fix" this supposedly "bad" behavior of yours, you are catering to her jealousy. And yes, she IS controlling, if she expects to be informed of every conversation you have with your child's mother.

And honestly, I worry about your backbone when you offer to take your child to someone else's house after a visit so your girlfriend won't get mad. Seriously, you need to man up there, my friend.

[surfhb]

Yep !! Could not have said it better!