Dumped and devastated.

[alisonjar]

I am putting this on the male forum for a male point of view. I have just written this on the love advice forum but would appreciate male opinions.
My partner is an intelligent, sensitive, quite needy man who at his best is romantic and loves life. At his worst, he is spoilt and a sulker. He is not very proactive normally and is a deep thinker. He claims to make the occasional impetuous decision, although I have never witnessed this until recently!

My thread goes as follows:


I have very recently (less than 3 weeks ago) been dumped.

My partner of nearly 10 years recently went to Italy on a trip and met someone else. On his return home he messaged a friend and informed her that he had not been happy for at least 18 months but since meeting someone (twice) in Rome, he could see that he could be happy again.

I found this message and eventually confronted him . We spent hours discussing the situation rationally (hard to believe now), I was also just as aware that our relationship had not been a happy one for the last couple of years, and we agreed to support each other through this and to be as amicable as possible. To be honest I did not take the woman in Rome seriously. I was shocked and numb but almost resigned. However the next day he informed me that he is flying out to Rome (in 2 weeks time) to stay with this woman and see where it goes, telling me that he needs to move forward! I was devastated and feel hurt and wounded. I thought he was a nice person and wouldnt dream that he would be setting up the next relationship under my nose. I know he has a photo of her and is learning Italian. He walks round the house happpy and singing at times, so I know he has talked to her. At other times he is worried and down, and I know that he hasn't.

The last ten years with him have not been easy for various reasons. I am 14 years older than him and early in our relationship he expressed a deep desire to have children. I did fall pregnant but lost the baby and I have not wanted to try again. I am now too old to have children. Many times over the years he has become depressed and/or upset at the prospect of having children and we have discussed this but it did make me feel either pressured to have them or guilty that I couldnt or wouldnt have them. This put a tremendous strain on our relationship. I have said to him that I could predict that he would leave me for a younger, more fertile woman one day (how right could I be). Probably due to this I am aware that I put up huge barriers, I even tried to leave him once so that he was free to find someone to have children with, but he said that it was his decision to be with me regardless. I have a son who is now 30 and he was also a contentious issue within our relationship.

Over the last 3 weeks I have gone through all the usual processes, anger, hurt, depressed, etc etc. Luckily my sister was staying with us when this all happened and she was very supportive to both of us. She has now returned home. I have seen my GP to make him aware that I have previously had serious reactive depression (when my previous husband and I parted) but am not currently taking any medication. I have been off work for 2 weeks.

My partner and I jointly own a house and initialy he was quite pushy for me to decide what to do about this, whether he was to buy me out or we were going to sell. I found this unbearable and he has agreed not to pressure me to make any decisions, but he appears keen to move on to his new life. The financial future looks bleak for me. I am nearing the end of my career and am not a high earner. I am too old to take on a mortgage on my own and cannot afford to rent anything other than a small flat/house. I own an old horse who takes up the majority of my income and am tied to this until she dies. My partner is younger, has a good job and I am not sure that he understands how frightened I am about the future. I was financially independent when I met him but having moved areas twice to be with him, I have had to change jobs (for lower wages) and had to move the horse into more expensive stables. I would love to stay in our home, which I adore, but cannot afford to buy him out.

He moved out for a couple of days (into a hotel) but moved back saying that it was too expensive and he couldnt work from a hotel room.

For the last few days, we have been communicating openly, even discussing his possible future relationship. We have become very close and even have been sleeping together. This has been pleasant but painful as it reminds us how we used to be. He is still adamant that he is going to Rome however to find out ??? In the cold light of day I agree - that he needs to go and see if this is happiness or a mid life crisis, but in the darkest hours I am so sad, hurt and frightened. How will I get through that week? How will I react when he returns depending on how he feels about her?
He has said that she is a catalyst and may not be his future partner/wife/childbearer, but feels that there was a bond there and needs to take this further. I know he is confused and hurt that we are now talking and close (probably because it is too late or it makes him feel guitly?).

I am in limbo. I cannot make any decisions at the moment, I dont feel strong enough. I am a practical person and need some aim in life (even short term). Considering how I have felt the last 3 weeks, I am amazed that I have managed to look at rented properties, had the house valued, seen a solicitor and a miriad of other tasks in preparation.

I am not writing this for answers, I know there not any easy answers, but am trying to get my feelings on paper. I havn't read this, so it is probably full of mistakes. There is obviously a lot more and this is just a brief outline but am hoping that others have been through similar experiences and can share.

[Nicholas_V]

Very sorry to hear about your situation - I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. To be honest with you, I have heard similar stories from other people and most of them end up with the guy making a fool of himself at the end and begging to be taken back. It does have the bearings of a mid-life crisis (though I do not consider this an excuse, and I think you should plans to move on whatever the outcome).

First, you need to put your finances straight. The horse sounds a bigger commitment than you can afford at the moment. The rational thing to do is to give her for adoption. RSPCA may be able to help with this, or offer alternatives - give them a call.

Second, you may feel attached to your house right now, but I actually think it may not be necessarily bad to move in somewhere else. Pack away old memories and all that. Whatever you decide to do, however, with this, I do NOT think it is wise for either of you to sell. House prices have suffered (and are still on the decline) - banks do not give mortgages either. So it's pretty much a buyer's market right now (and the buyers know it too well). Rent it out instead and "split" the rent.

You're not mentioning your age - so I can't tell how realistic of a suggestion it might be to try to move back to your previous jobs you left for him. An alternative, of course, will be to start your own business - depends on your skills and your aptitude towards (reasonable amount of) risk. But think about it. I have heard of many people starting up a successful business in their 60's just before retirement - and I guess internet makes it much easier and cheaper these days.

[alisonjar]

Thank you Nicholas.
Giving up the horse is not an option, she is a commitment until death (hers not mine).
The angry part of me hopes that he does make a fool of himself and yet, because I love him I do hope that he is happy. Confusing. If he was unhappy for so long, the attention of a young, attractive Italian was obviously an attraction, especially in Rome!
I will stay in the Midlands, for the horse, my job and friends.
I appreciate what you are saying about moving - memories etc, but would prefer to stay if I could. Renting is not ideal as the income from that would not cover the mortgage.
I know I will feel better in time but am definitely not looking forward to a week on my own whilst he is having fun/planning his future in Rome.