My new boyfriend.....

[scottishfem]

Im 25 years old, Ive started dating a new guy who is 27, weve known each other for 7 months, been exclusive for 4 months and just started to have sex in the last 7 weeks. Its been going really well. Ive never felt so connected to anyone on a personality level before. And im not saying that in a blind silly way, im quite practicle when I meet a new bloke and dont get swept away with 'oh he likes me so i love him' etc. Ive never been in love before despite having 2 relationships previously and casually dated several others. Ive always wanted to meet a man with the same outlook on relationships that doesnt fall for things or wear his heart on his sleeve.

About 4 months ago he told me that hes been in love once before. So I asked about it, he tells me he was 19 when they got together, he had girlfriends before her but she was the first he slept with. They moved in together after a few months and lived together for a year. Apparently she was lots of fun, loved nights out and a good laugh. She kept in contact with an ex of hers throughout their relationship, he had enough of him being around so gave her an ultimatum to choose between them both, she chose her ex. So he finished with her, they lived in the same house for a month or so, she started seeing someone new so he moved out. He said it took him several years to get over her and he said hes felt lonely ever since, turned to drugs and drink, randomly dated women, slept about etc. He said shes married with a kid now and that he'll always care about her and hes glad shes happy. They havent spoke for 4 years now apparently.
I made a joke and said im kinda glad it didnt work out (which was going to lead onto me saying cause ive managed to find you) but he blurted in with "for you i guess yeah"
When I met him he had been sorting himself out since the start of that year. So the 'getting over her faze' had been going on for 6 years since they broke up.

Anyway, it hasnt been mentioned since.
Last weekend we were in bed together, cuddled up after having sex and he said "I feel so close to you I havent felt like this since I was with Julie". I really didnt like that and it instantly made me feel uncomfortable. I cold shouldered him, told him I wasnt happy with him mentioning her while we were in bed together. I know it was a compliment but theres a time and a place not to mention past loves!

I know first relationships are very intense. I myself 'thought' I was in love with my first boyfriend, I was absolutely crazy for him and I was devastated when I found out he was cheating on me. But within a year I was over it, and looking back now I wouldnt even think of classing that as love because it wasnt. I didnt know him as a person, didnt love every aspect about him, it wasnt love ATALL, it was that first infactuation that you confuse with love and I certinally wouldnt think back of that now and consider it love even thought at the time I was insanely into him.

Ive spoke to my partner once this week about it. He told me about their relationship, I noticed his voice completely change when he mentioned her ex's or when she would flirt with other men as if it STILL got to him thinking about it. Which I just dont understand?!

Im struggling knowing all of this about him. I do understand its his past. But as it took him pretty much his whole adult life to get over I cant help worrying whether I should get involved anymore?

Plus im really jealous that he still considers it to be such a great love to him.

Advice?! Dont be too brutal! (-;

[Nicholas_V]

You say you two are getting on well with each other. Well, if it works, give him the time he needs and he WILL put this behind him. It takes one great love to forget another one. You compare your "infatuation" as you call it to his feelings. Probably you're comparing apples to oranges - for him it was obviously more than an infatuation and maybe he didn't have the chance to get himself into something as deep since then - hence the residual feelings.

My view is, if you think that he is worth the time and effort, don't get jealous when he mentions his ex - she is out of the picture anyway. You might as well get jealous about a ghost. Fall in love with each other, if you can and want, and that's the best way to make him "forget" her for good.

[smackie9]

As times goes on there will be no more talk or thought of this ex.

[smackie9]

You must be pretty special for him to tell you him most deep feelings and thoughts. Men think differently than we do. This is his way of showing you that he trusts you and wants to let you know everything about him, holds no secrets from you.

[deepika_16]

He is telling you about his past and everything he did then you should be happy. Your boyfriend is so honest that he shared everything with you and you say that you don't know him. If you will be calm and if you try to listen what he wants to say then obviously you will know in and out of him. Don't get jealous he is all yours. He has got a true partner after a long time of loneliness, so let the feelings come out.

[deepika_16]

He is telling you about his past and everything he did, you should be happy. Your boyfriend is so honest that he shared everything with you and you say that you don't know him. If you will be calm and if you try to listen what he wants to say then obviously you will know in and out of him. Don't get jealous he is all yours. He has got a true partner after a long time of loneliness, so let the feelings come out.

[jb1111983]

Hey mate, you've got nothing to really worry about. The reason he's telling you about his past is because he is serious about you! You're not just another girl for him.