Help! I'm the crazy girlfriend!

[canyuhearmenow]

I have a confession:

When ever I am in a relationship...

I am THAT girlfriend that can't stop questioning her boyfriend about his exes.

I am THAT girlfriend that takes his answers about his exes personally, as if by telling me he used to be in love with someone, he's cheating on me.

I am THAT girlfriend that freaks out when another girl kisses him on the cheek. (Granted, she dose this very often, and she hooked up with him last year before I even met him...I don't know if anyone else would freak out about that but I sure did)

I am THAT girlfriend that still can't forgive her boyfriend for things like the above even after he flicked the girl off and threw her out of his house (granted it took him 3 months after I told him I was unhappy about it before he told her to stop)

For me, when my (hypothetical) boyfriend messes up, I forgive him in the moment and move on. But over time, resentment slowly builds until I am blind with anger even when I see him. Sporadically, at random times, I will feel the anger and I will be moved to angry tears and I can barely talk to him without yelling.

I hate that.

I know that I'm wrong. I know that even though he has fault in whatever he did, and whatever he couldn't say to make me feel better. But in the end, resentment is a huge problem. Lack of self-confidence is another problem. When I am not in a relationship, I don't pity myself and I am fairly comfortable with myself. However, as soon as I find someone to be close to, I become this monster. I associate pain and hurt with love, and I don't know how to love without that factor.

Please. I know that I'm wrong and I want to desperately change. I don't know how to handle my emotion! I can only tell myself to stop, and it goes away after awhile, only to come back again.

Does anyone have any advice for me? I don't want to be this person. I don't know why I am this person. I just want to love people properly, instead of shattering any relationship that seems too good for comfort. I also just want to be happy.

[jayjay30]

Counseling.

[Cerby]

Counseling.

Absolutely agree with this, you need to speak to a professional.

[HeartIsAching]

ALL of those behaviors stem from issues with insecurity. Get help.

[MerryH]

Counseling, yes. That's about it. Are you a student? See if your school provides free counseling.

But you can start by looking into this:

I associate pain and hurt with love, and I don't know how to love without that factor.

and working through whatever abuse or tragedy in your life that led you to believe this.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Kill yourself.

[mindofz]

You need to work out why you have these feelings of hurt and pain associated with love.

Did somewhere in your past, your parents or peers provide love and pain hand in hand? Or perhaps your first love caused pain and gave you love at the same time?

Our experiences of the past shape our perceptions of the future and present, so something must have triggered this.

Once you've figured that out, you have to tell yourself that logically, you can feel secure with your partner and screaming and being all emotional will give you the very thing you fear most: jealousy. He will feel compelled to leave or feel emotionally drained with you - which will push you to suspicion and jealousy - the very things you don't want. You need to catch yourself amidst an angry moment and tell yourself to calm down, think logically at the scenario and realize that your emotions are driving the irrational behavior (and stop yelling). Also, if female friends have stolen your boyfriends in the past, you need to be picky with female friends.

One of the best ways to figure out how long a relationship will last is by how the couple argue. If you're screaming like a banshee and being all illogical like a child, how can anyone reason with you? Being calm in an argument has advantages. It makes you look stronger and men are in awe of women who keep their cool. When you're calm, it's easier to collect your thoughts and think logically. Next time you feel a surge of anger about to blow, catch it and stop yourself from turning into a monster. Practice it enough and your brain will become accustomed to the new behavior. But remember it does take time to garner a new behavior, so tell your partner that he needs to be patient with you.

While you're transitioning into a calmer person, tell him it is vital that he makes you feel secure during this period. If he makes you feel secure and you stay calm whenever you feel an outburst coming on, it re-trains your brain. If you have to vent, write it in a letter and don't give it to him until a few days later. Usually after a few days, you'll realize you don't mean what you wrote in the letter (and you can throw it away)

And always tell yourself this, he is with YOU, not other women. He picked YOU for a reason. There's nothing to be jealous about. If he wanted to be with someone else, he would've gone with them long time ago. He stayed because there's something about you that's special / beautiful / awesome. You need to remember that next time you feel like getting irrationally emotional.

Here's the thing about happiness, you can be happy now. Be happy whether you have a boyfriend or not. What's the worse thing he can do? Cheat? If you're already acting as though he's cheated, you've already experienced the worse emotions of being cheated on without it actually happening. Will you survive if he does cheats or leaves? Of course! Will you find someone new and better? Of course! Life goes on. He is not the be all and end all of your existence so don't FEAR what "could happen". Fear is no way to live. Just live life and be happy, and don't worry about what could happen (which most likely it won't). If anything happens, you can always leave. You are stronger than you think.

Zoe

[VincenzoG91]

Alternatively, there are some poor guys out there who have never been in a relationship. Maybe the OP could rescue one of them, and then never have to worry about his past because he doesn't have one.