relationship limbo

[nch713]

hello everyone, i just joined today. oddly enough, the first thread i read was the "knight in shining armor" sticky. i need advice, so i'll keep this post short. i'm not used to venting about my relationship problems either, so here goes:

i met this girl online, she was in a relationship with a guy, and has a kid with him. we got to know each other. she was already cheating on him with another guy, so i figured, whats a 3rd guy going to hurt? i wasnt trying to break them up, i don't consider myself a home wrecker. they werent married, she refused to marry him, she was already cheating on him with another guy.

anyway, we weren't careful (i didn't go out of my way to be), he found out, he made her choose, she chose him.

few months later, she found out that he had been talking to a lawyer this whole time trying to put together a case to get custody of their child together. she turned to me for help (financially), since he took all the money out of the bank account, and left her with nothing but bills and debt.

i'm not really sure how to explain our relationship, it was happy and easy going at first (when she was with him, not committed to me). she tells me she loves me, sometimes i feel like its true. now, we're living together, but we have the farthest thing from a relationship.

i dont consider us dating, we already know everything about each other. there are no happy, romantic times, no honeymoon stage. we're not in a relationship, she says that she just got out of a terrible 6 year relationship, and doesnt want to make the same mistake again.

should i wait? should i stay? she is very "gray". she uses a lot of "maybe's" and "i don't know's" i'm more black and white. i like using yes/no.

i dont think i confuse sex with love. i love playing with her son, hanging out with him. but i dont feel like his daddy. he doesnt call me his daddy. he tells me he loves me, he tells her he loves her, he tells his dad he loves him.

but for now, we're in relationship limbo. she knows i want to be in a relationship with her. she's a naturally great girl. kind, sweet, emotionally intelligent, she has common sense. we have many many many things in common. we're on the same level intellectually and physically. just not emotionally right now.

what do i do? should i wait, in hopes of one day having a "real chance" at a relationship together?

should i just give up, and cut my losses now?

my life is very frustrating right now. i'm not happy, this isn't what i want. i want her to want me. does that make sense? i'm sure she feels like she has to depend on me financially. i dont feel used, because i'm willing to help her (hence the knight in shining armor syndrome).

but i'd still like her to know she has a choice of being with me or not, and i want her to choose me.

i know i have a choice to be with her or not, but i'm choosing to be with her.


sigh

[Mathias]

Above everything else, the money you give her is not going to make her choose you. No matter what you do, keep this in mind.

[nch713]

oh, i do. i'm not worried about money. i dont think about it that way. i'm more concerned about my time and energy i'm putting into this... "relationship"

i can always make more money later. i can't get back my time or energy.

right now, i think her choices are like this:

1.) realize what an awesome guy i am, and want to be in a happy, loving, normal, relationship with me. quick and easy decision
2.) choose to stay in relationship limbo, but understand that i am a human being, with feelings, and there are two of us here in relationship limbo land, so at a minimum to respect me
3.) choose to stay in relationship limbo, and screw how i feel, she wants to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants. she doesnt want the obligations or responsibilities of a relationship.
4.) realize she will never want to be in a relationship with me, and end it now

right now, she is choosing 3. she doesnt want to be with me. she doesnt want to be with anyone. she just wants to be on her own. i'm fine with that. i'm fine with waiting for the future. can't she do the bare minimum though? why does she have to be so... rude and disrespectful, when i tell her how i feel? its not like i tell her i am the boyfriend figure in your life, you have to do what i say. i dont tell her i am paying her bills, she has to do what i say. i just tell her how i feel, and she can do whatever she wants with that information. she can choose to consider my feelings, she can choose not to change at all. but tell me... why does she choose to get mad and hateful because i have feelings? it feels like she hates me because i want to be in a relationship with her, and she's not ready.

[yellowbiz]

You said it yourself, this is not what you want, so the sensible action to take is to back off and let them sort their mess out by themselves.

1. She cheated on the man she has a child with, two men, actually, what does that tell you about her ?
2. She chose him when he confronted her, that should have been the end of it.
3. She called you when she needed money... that looks like she's just using you, from my perspective.

Most importantly, you deserve to be happy, so hell, if she makes you happy, go for it, but I have to tell you that it doesn't look too good...

[VincenzoG91]

Congratulations, you are an ATM. She pushes your buttons and receives money.

[nch713]

her last relationship mess? that will be settled by lawyers and in court. she tried compromising with him, doesnt work. he's very bitter about what happened. i dont blame him. but i do blame him for staying in the relationship with her. they met a month before she was moving to a new city, he "followed her", ruined her life, and her credit. he's not very financially responsible. she never loved him. he impregnated her, she kept it because she's catholic. she is totally out of her league. yes she is in mine, and yes i do think that i'm a better man than he is. i know that sounds bad, but he is a reckless spender. he would rather buy stuff to make her happy, clothes, shoes, purses, etc... but doesnt have money to take his son to the doctor.

we both think that he doesnt love his son as much as he loves her. her ex is completely infatuated with her, and thinks that he can get back at her by using her son. he smokes, drinks, beats his son with a belt, smokes with him in the car, lets his 5 year old 32lb son ride in the front seat of the car, never uses a car seat, etc. the list goes on and on.

awful to nonexistent parenting skills. teaches his son to spit, pee in the grass, make a L with his thumb and finger on his forehead to call people a loser...

[JadenMia]

he smokes, drinks, beats his son with a belt, smokes with him in the car...

Obviously not very emotionally intelligent if she lets this sh*t go on. If that were me, id take the belt and wrap it round his f*cking neck.
Anyways.. Is this the type of person you want to be with? Really? Do you want to be the ex in a few years time?
Seriously, run away from this mess. I dont really understand why you are pining for her to want you?? If she doesnt, she obviously isnt ready to be in a committed relationship.. She sounds like a very confused girl and you probably will get dragged into this kind of crap when and if she chooses to be with you.
I think you know what you should do..

why does she choose to get mad and hateful because i have feelings? it feels like she hates me because i want to be in a relationship with her, and she's not ready.

Probably because she IS using you, shes getting rude and disrespectful.. because she doesnt respect you. Why? Because you are letting her walk all over you, she sees you as a pushover. Not a very nice person eh?
Is that what you think you deserve? She is frustrated with you, because her plan is to drain you of everything. Financially, emotionally.. and your feelings are complicating it.
Just run, far far away. Look back and be glad, you dodged a bullet my friend.

[nch713]

well, he does those things now, because he moved 300 miles away to live with his mommy, and no one is there to tell him what to do (her).

i dont want to be the ex in a few years, and honestly i dont think that if we have a real chance to be together, and both of us really wanted to be in the relationship, that we'd fail.

just because she's not ready to be with me now, does that mean that i should turn around and run away as fast as i can? because the timing is off?

is that fate? do i believe in fate? timing?

[VincenzoG91]

She is rude and disrespectful to you because she resents needing your help.

[JadenMia]

well, he does those things now, because he moved 300 miles away to live with his mommy, and no one is there to tell him what to do (her).

i dont want to be the ex in a few years, and honestly i dont think that if we have a real chance to be together, and both of us really wanted to be in the relationship, that we'd fail.

just because she's not ready to be with me now, does that mean that i should turn around and run away as fast as i can? because the timing is off?

is that fate? do i believe in fate? timing?

Its not the timing that is off.. Everything is off with this girl. She cheats on her husband with multiple men. Not even the 'Oh i fell in love with another man but i am married'.. Just plain, 'i am going to sleep around behind his back'. She lets her son get treat like sh*t, she allows other men into her sons life, even when she says she is not ready for a relationship with you. She just sounds so .. stupid. Confused maybe, but does she ever put anyone before herself? Or just let everyone get hurt in the crossfire of her stupid actions? Thats selfish.

[nch713]

not husband, baby daddy. they werent married. not even close.

and she didnt "cheat on him behind his back"... he was okay with her signing up for the dating website that we met on. what did he expect? i think he's just sad and hurt that she went through with it.

she doesnt LET her son get treated like sh*t, its ordered by court custody that when her baby daddy has her son for visitation, that he has the right to "direct his religious and moral upbringing"

i wouldnt call her stupid, but i think she lacks emotional bearing. she doesnt know what she wants, and she doesnt want to find out what she wants either.

her point of view on people getting hurt in the crossfire: "their choice to stand there"

yes, it is my choice to be in this relationship limbo with her, and yes i am suffering the consequences of getting caught in the crossfire. i am not overextended financially, i'm good with money, i know how to save. i'm not really complaining either. we have plenty of happy times. she is great to me.

the way i see it, we're in no man's land until she is ready to put effort into a relationship with me, and not feel burdened? i dont know.

[VincenzoG91]

her point of view on people getting hurt in the crossfire: "their choice to stand there"

She won't take responsibility for her actions. Can't you see how incredibly selfish she is? She will never care about you the way she cares about herself. Factor in her son, and you will never come in better than third place in her life.

[nch713]

but she said its only temporary, because she is distracted by everything else that is going on in her life (custody battle with her baby daddy)

and after that is settled, then she will be able to decide if she wants to be with me or not? i know she's selfish right now, and i somewhat understand why. but does that mean i shouldnt wait?

last night she brought work home, and i was irked, because her job doesnt pay her adequately. they ask a lot from her, and don't really pay her that well. she said she brought the work home because she didnt have time to do it at work. so what was she doing at work? and why does she feel like it has to get done right now? i asked her what it was that she needed to get done, and she said "research". i understand the requirements of her position, and it is continuously evolving as her boss gives her more and more responsibilities. but i think there comes a time when you have to tell your boss that you are willing and able to do all the work he wants you to do, but there aren't enough hours in the day to do everything.

anyway, so she brought the work home, and i was irked. her response: "i'm not ready to be with you, so i will do whatever i want with my time."

that pissed me off more than the fact that she brought work home. i was ready to kick her the F out. should i have? should i now?

shes not ready to be with me, so she wants to do whatever she wants with her time. okay. so what if she wants to spend time with me, but i am busy doing something else, to keep myself occupied for the times when she doesnt want to spend time with me? then what? am i only allowed to indulge in hobbies that i can drop at a moments notice? what hobbies can i take up that revolve around her schedule?


ugh!!!

[VincenzoG91]

Your new hobby should be dating other women.