Lack of interest in having sex with her, break up?

[c0nfused_guy]

Hi,

I have been dating my girlfriend for 2 and a half years. Less than a year ago we moved in together. I'm 27, she's 26. I have a real M-F job, and on the weekends I'm a bartender at a local bar. I met her there.

Ever since we started dating, sex wasn't that great, but I thought it would change as we got to know each other and accommodated to what each other likes and dislikes. As time went by, things didn't really improve. The first year was fine, but after that I slowly stopped desiring her in bed, but my desire for sex still exists. On average, we have sex once a month, sometimes even longer. However, many nights a week masturbation is my way of sexual pleasure. She does not know I do it so often though (at least I don't think she does). I fantasize about having sex with her friends and other hot girls I meet at the bar. So I know for a fact that it's not lack of testosterone or something else that might be causing loss of libido.

My question is, is this a good enough reason to break up with someone?

I have talked to her twice about my lack of desire, and she has tried to "spice things up". However, it's always the same trend. As soon as we talk, sex life takes a little twist but slowly goes back to what it used to be. And the problem is that now, even if she tries, I'm just not aroused enough to want her. So I can't even tell her what needs to change in the bedroom for this to work. I think I just lost complete interest in her sexually.

But besides these sex problems, I love this girl a lot (but maybe not enough?). We are both college graduates, have good jobs, almost never argue and when we do, we fix things talking (we have never yelled at each other during an argument). Our maturity levels are about the same. When we go out we have fun, and if we stay to watch a movie, I like it too. In summary, besides the sex life, this girl is the perfect girl. But I have been asking myself if marrying her is an option, and the answer so far is no.

I'm worried that if I continue with her, I will soon become a cheater. I have been tempted several times to cheat on her with girls that I meet at the bar, and though I haven't been unfaithful yet, I don't think it will be long before I do it. I mean, it's ridiculous how much girls flirt with bartenders. They have left me phone numbers and once I even got a hotel room key.

Some of my friends have told me to quit bar-tendering because of all the temptations, but I think that if I was completely in love with my girlfriend, these temptations should be easily ignored, right? I do know that I feel something for her, but maybe what I feel is not enough?

I have thought about going to counseling, but going to couples therapy and not being married seems a little ridiculous.

I would like to hear opinions from people I don't know. People who will give me unbiased answers.

Thanks a lot for reading and sorry for being this long.

[Boisdevie]

Sorry, your post is not that clear. Does she not turn you on?

[c0nfused_guy]

Sorry, your post is not that clear. Does she not turn you on?

Well, after a month or so of not having sex, she starts turning me on, but I can't have sex with her once or twice a week... she doesn't turn me on that much. However, I do masturbate once or twice a week, so I definitely have the desire to do it, just not with her...

[MerryH]

My question is, is this a good enough reason to break up with someone?

Yeah. It's a pretty great reason to break up with someone. It's unfortunate because you seem to like her a lot, but sexual incompatibility should be a deal-breaker. And it's not even a sexual incompatibility in your case - you don't even want to **** her. You can't try to work it out because you can't tell her what you want from her because your answer to that is "I want you to be someone else." And that's sad. Don't string her along anymore. Spare her feelings and self-esteem. I would think that she pretty much knows that you're not turned on by her. That would hurt.

[Boisdevie]

If she does not turn you on sexually then your 'relationship' is going nowhere. End it.

[Shakur]

It's not normal for a couple that young to do it once per month. Something must be wrong on your relationship.

[c0nfused_guy]

So is breaking up really the only option? This girl is perfect and I will have a hard time finding another one with all those qualities. If I could only force myself to want her in bed... I mean, when I think about breaking up I get very sad and start thinking positively. I start thinking that I'm willing to give up sex in exchange of all those other qualities... but I don't know if I'm just being naive. Maybe this only happens in fairy tales. Maybe in real life it will eventually catch up and I will end up cheating on her.

There is really something wrong with me. I think its worth mentioning that this is not the first time this happens. I've ended other relationships because I lost sexual interest on the girls. Does that mean that I'm unable to settle with one partner?

[Cheriee]

There is really something wrong with me. I think its worth mentioning that this is not the first time this happens. I've ended other relationships because I lost sexual interest on the girls. Does that mean that I'm unable to settle with one partner?

Don't take it the wrong way, but maybe you're not that attracted to girls?

[c0nfused_guy]

Don't take it the wrong way, but maybe you're not that attracted to girls?

Lol that's an interesting theory, but I think I'm very straight I might have explained myself wrong.. It's not that I lose interest in having sex with girls, I just lose interest if I have sex with the same girl over a long period of time. When I'm single, I love taking different girls to bed, but I soon feel as if I am sleeping with hookers and feel empty. So I start wishing for a girlfriend, but once I have one, I wish I were single to mess around with other girls.

[sookie6]

Lol that's an interesting theory, but I think I'm very straight I might have explained myself wrong.. It's not that I lose interest in having sex with girls, I just lose interest if I have sex with the same girl over a long period of time. When I'm single, I love taking different girls to bed, but I soon feel as if I am sleeping with hookers and feel empty. So I start wishing for a girlfriend, but once I have one, I wish I were single to mess around with other girls.

Are you the same with other things in life. Some people I find get bored very easily once novelty has worn out...what are you like for cars and hi-tech? do you feel the need to get the next best thing on the market? Do you often worry about what you're missing out?

[hello1]

Lol that's an interesting theory, but I think I'm very straight I might have explained myself wrong.. It's not that I lose interest in having sex with girls, I just lose interest if I have sex with the same girl over a long period of time. When I'm single, I love taking different girls to bed, but I soon feel as if I am sleeping with hookers and feel empty. So I start wishing for a girlfriend, but once I have one, I wish I were single to mess around with other girls.

No offence but don't you think your a bit too old to still be thinking like that? You know it doesn't matter what girl you get with, you will feel the same way so maybe you are just one of those men who are meant to be alone? you know single all their lifes and playing the field?

[Nicholas_V]

Have you had similar problems in past relationships (of comparable length)? If so, you may be the kind that gets easily bored - in which case, the pattern will continue with future partners - in which case perhaps you should talk to a specialist. If not, and if the alternative is cheating, then yes, you should break up.

[c0nfused_guy]

Are you the same with other things in life. Some people I find get bored very easily once novelty has worn out...what are you like for cars and hi-tech? do you feel the need to get the next best thing on the market? Do you often worry about what you're missing out?

Well, I don't know if I'm like that with cars and hi-tech... I mean, before graduating college I had a crappy car, and after graduating I bought a nice one... I've had it for 3 years now and I'm not planning on changing it anytime soon. That being said, I wish I had money to buy Ferraris, Lamborghinis and the best cars, but don't the majority of guys think that way anyway?

As far as hi-tech and electronics, I upgraded my electronics after graduating because I had the money to do so (and because they were over 5 years old), but it's not like every new thing that comes out I have to have.

No offence but don't you think your a bit too old to still be thinking like that? You know it doesn't matter what girl you get with, you will feel the same way so maybe you are just one of those men who are meant to be alone? you know single all their lifes and playing the field?

I feel the same way... I think a 27 year old (almost 28) should be settling down, and I do want to settle, but I just can't do it with this one. My plan was to be married and have at least 1 kid before turning 30, but I don't think that's gonna happen. I could just force myself to settle, marry her and have kids, but what for? To divorce her once we live a miserable life and raise kids in a broken home? You might be right, I might be meant to be alone... And it saddens me, because I really want to have a wife who will kiss me good bye before going to work, and kids who will wake me up Saturday morning at 7am to make them pancakes.

Have you had similar problems in past relationships (of comparable length)? If so, you may be the kind that gets easily bored - in which case, the pattern will continue with future partners - in which case perhaps you should talk to a specialist. If not, and if the alternative is cheating, then yes, you should break up.

Yes it has happened before... The sad part is, once enough time has passed after breaking up with them, I start looking for them for sex (if I'm single of course). I'm really messed up...


Some female friends insist that I just haven't met the right girl... The one who will make me fall "head over heels" in love and even if I have Playboy playmates throwing themselves at me, I will ignore them because I only have eyes for her. The one who no matter if she is skinny, chubby, short, tall, etc, I will love having sex with her every time...

My fear is to let her go and find out later that she was the one. I can't explain how much she loves me, and I know it because she expresses it in so many ways. Seriously, I feel like an asshole for not being able to love her as much as she loves me. If it were up to her, we would have gotten married already.

If I go to a specialist, what should I expect out of them? Besides paying a lot of money of course... I would hate to pay hundreds to have a specialist tell me "I'm sorry, you are just meant to be alone." Would they really be able to fix me? Do they have a special secret that will make me fall deeply in love with her? I'm very skeptical about how much specialists can actually do.

I want to love her more. I want to want her more. I want to get turned on by just thinking about her in her underwear. I want to not get tired of having sex with her.

I wish I loved her so much, I would only have eyes for her...

[pisces25]

A specialist will be able to dig deep and find out WHY you are feeling like this. A lot of the time it relates to our childhood and the type of relationship we had with our caretakers, that can influence a lot of how we view relationships and sex when we are older. It could be you have commitment issues (without even realising) which is stopping you forming an intimate connection with the woman you love. You may have an unhealthy and unrealistic view on sex and how it is meant to make you feel. My boyfriend is/was in the exact same position and has been in therapy the last few months. It has helped him immensely. There is some mental block you are experiencing which is making this happening and if you don't investigate why the pattern will continue.

Don't worry I don't think you are destined for a life alone you just need to try and get into your subconscious and find out what is really going on under the surface.

Sex is not all about being turned on by thinking of someone in their underwear. It is about forming an intimate connection with your other half and this is possible with the right attitude and if you can let go completely. Good luck.

[MerryH]

So is breaking up really the only option?

Well, no. You have lots of options, but is it fair to stay with someone when you fully realize that you just do not want them? I don't think it is. I think it must really suck for your girlfriend.

But I have a question for you!

Imagine the perfect woman. She's got an amazing personality, values similar to yours, wants to have sex a lot, all that important stuff. And she also has the face and rockin' body of some celebrity/porn star/whoever that you really, really lust after. Could you see yourself sleeping with that woman for the rest of your life, or do you think you would you get bored with her, too?