Need some third party advice...

[that one guy]

I added a short summary below.

I'm new to the site and I've actually explained in full my problem with my ex to a number of close friends. While they offer some pretty solid advice, I figured it wouldn't hurt to continue to explore the plethora of advice that I could be getting from people who have been through the same exact thing or something similar. I apologize in advance for the walls of text that are going to be typed but I will try to make it visually appealing as the best of my abilities.

To start off, I met my most recent ex when I was 17 (I'm 25 now) while she was 15. We had been chatting regularly through LiveJournal and AIM for sometime. She apparently was really into me (i.e. writing my name down on her notebooks in school, blogging about me, etc.) and I was equally into her. She lived in another part of the state while I lived nearly an hour away. We met up at theme parks once or twice, hung out and enjoyed each others company. We held hands, hugged and I think the closest we got was a kiss on the cheek. Suddenly, she left. I can't seem to remember why or how we stopped talking but it did. End of story, right? Wrong.

Fast forward to the beginning of 2011. I was still a little upset that I had been dumped by my ex-fiance towards the end of 2009 after being together for nearly 4 years. I wake up one morning and grab my phone, checking emails and missed texts like I usually do. I see a new friend request on Facebook. I literally had to triple-take it. I knew right from the start that it was her. I accepted it and she immediately sent me a message asking if I was who she thought I was. She said she found her old blog account and saw stuff posted about me. She then thought she could find me on Facebook. We instantly hit it off. I could feel that same spark that we had initially and she says she felt it too. We texted, video chatted on our phones and talked to no end. We even shared very personal information to which I won't reveal here but, let's just say it's pretty on the hush-hush. She said she lived in a different state but wanted to come back down within a few months after she had enough money saved up to get her own place. Due to some financial problems with my ex-fiance, I had been living with my parents for a bit now so I couldn't immediately offer her the place to stay while she got situated. Eventually, after a week of talking, she moved from saying she'll be back in a couple months to she's going to come live with me in my room. All this in less than a week's time -- stupid, sure but the connection we struck was that hard. We fell for each other almost instantly again.

She arrived and we instantly were attracted to each other. We slept in the same bed, cuddled, got drunk together, went to clubs, everything. We made it Facebook official even and decided to give a relationship a shot. Everything was fantastic. We were happy together and had so much fun together. Fast forward 2 months. She still didn't have a job (She was applying, though but still.. nothing.) and I didn't have a job either. I was still able to bring in money from selling things which was what I was doing before she even got to my place, in hopes of raising enough money to move out and get our own place. I slowly started to notice how much of a emotional wreck she was. She did tell me that there were some communication problems but whenever there was a problem, if she told me, I would fix it immediately. I cared and loved her to no end but there were problems. One night, she blew up on me for some very small thing. When I get upset, I just treat it like a normal conversation without raising my voice or anything. I'm very calm, collected and rational; even more so, if I'm arguing with a significant other. She broke down and confessed some things she wanted to do and figure out. She hugged me and begged me not to break up with her; to continue to do all this for us. I thought overnight about it and agreed. I couldn't let her go despite all her problems because I was in love with her. No questions asked.

Fast forward 1 month. She loved to go to clubs and bars, what not. I went with her the first couple of months a combined total of 25+. I wasn't usually a club/bar person but she wanted me to go so I did. One time, she went by herself and kept texting me all night saying how she missed me and felt weird going anywhere without me. Then one night, she went with a few of her friends and came back... just a different mentality. She said she had fun by herself. She started becoming very distant after this. She would spend all of her time on the computer or on the phone, talking to her friends. She wouldn't give me any attention whatsoever. I would have to work to get her to hang out with me. Sometimes, I would like to just sit and watch TV with her and she refused. She would say, "Watch it by yourself." Eventually, I confronted her about it and she said she needs space. She claimed she didn't want to be in a relationship at all because she doesn't want to have to worry about anyone else. All this time, she was talking to another guy who lived cross-country. Every time she would go and have a smoke, she'd be texting him and they would talk constantly online. She said she needed space so I decided to go out with my friends alone more, I went out more and more, giving her exactly what she wanted.

One night, while she was drunk, she confessed to me that she really liked this guy. I was hurt but I tried to not let it bother me. While driving her home, she asked if I would stop for water and cigarettes. While I was in the store, she called him. When we got home, we had a discussion in which I asked her if she wants to move with her or have him move with her. She responded with, "That'd be nice.." I was hurt.. again but I wasn't sure if I believed her because she was drunk. We went inside and had make-up "session". While I was asleep, she was downstairs on her phone. After an hour of sleeping, I woke up and noticed she wasn't in bed. I went looking for her and hung out with her until she passed out next to me. I woke up, did the normal routine of checking my phone when I noticed a update of her Facebook about, "You're the only thing on my mind..." posted around 30 minutes or so after I passed out. She tried to delete it before I saw it but the damage was done. She got defensive and said I was overreacting. That week, her parents were really struggling for money as asked if she would come back, get a job and help them pay for stuff. We were both upset that she had to leave but it wasn't her decision. She didn't want to just abandon her parents after they have been helping her so much so she decided that she would leave. During that night when she was sleeping, I woke up and put a rose/note in her front seat because she had to get up early for a class.

I'm the type of person that loved to show affection to my significant other. It makes me feel amazing knowing that I could brighten their day. She found it and said, "Thank you... you probably hate me." I responded with, "I can't hate you, babe." Around lunchtime, she texted me and said not to worry about that one guy who lived cross country. That he was just her best friend and she loved me. She suggested we meet up for lunch and what not. We did and had a nice time, while it was limited because she had to go back to her class. Everything seemed alright but when she got home... same thing, she went back to being distant and when I inquire about hanging out, she refused. A few days later, she decided to break up with me. Saying that she still loves, cares and is in love with me but doesn't want a long-distance relationship. After a somewhat rocky weekend, we eventually got to the day of her leaving. We had a small argument at the beginning of the day but we reconciled. She claims she'd had been acting the way she was because she was trying to detach herself. She knew she had to leave and she still liked me. We hung out like it was old times, I gave her massages like I always do and what not. We hugged, kissed and waved each other off. She was gone.

While driving, she texted to make sure I was okay. I said I was fine and alright. "Promise?" She asked and I said I was sure and inquired about how the drive back home was going. She said it was going alright but she was really bored. I tried to stray from talking to her too much but I eventually passed out. I woke up to 2-3 texts of her just trying to get me to entertain her while she drove. I was still friends with her on Facebook but decided to hide her because I was still in love with her and I'd be tempted to watch her profile. She texted me a few times saying how alone she was and I responded with how empty the room looks and just said, "Sorry." On the night she broke up with me, a few friends went out downtown so I figured I would join them. I met a small group of people and even one girl she took the liberty of adding her number and profile to my phone. She even thumbs-up'd the changed relationship status and commented on some pictures of me which set off my ex. I have no intentions of dating anyone else right now but I did send that group (mostly girls) a friend request. They all accepted. I get a text from my ex sarcastically claiming how she "loves how I'm friends with 5 new girls". I simply told her it was, "Group downtown." and she gave me a typical, "Sweet." response.

My family owns a timeshare in Hawaii and they invited me out there considering everything because they were going anyway. I agreed so the night before, I decided to go to a bar to say goodbye to some of my friends since I would be gone for 2 weeks. While there, some of her friends whom I befriended while we were together were there. We hung out and talked about everything. I tagged everyone in on Facebook and no more than 10 minutes later, she texted me and told me she deleted me from Facebook saying how she didn't want to see me hanging out with her friends. I didn't bother responding despite wanting to. My friends told me that she was just trying to rile me up. The next day, she texts me, apologizing about it. I just said I understood -- trying to keep my responses short. She said she wanted to tell me something but wanted to make sure I wasn't going to get mad. I agreed and she said I was right about him. She said I was right about that cross country guy all along and that she felt really bad about lying to me about it. I told her I understood and I wasn't mad. I knew I was right. I told her that I don't regret the relationship at all and I want her to be happy. She said she is happy on her own and she was always happy when we were together; to never think that I made her unhappy. I told her that I appreciated her telling me, that we made the mistake of taking things too fast and I regret that decision but that she was the best thing that ever happen to me. She said she was happy to she could help. She texted me this morning saying she hopes I got to Hawaii safely. I told her I did and thanks.

If you're still with me, I commend you. I love this girl. I know it hasn't been even more than a week yet since we broke up but I can't get her out of my head. I want to think that she still loves and cares for me otherwise she wouldn't even bother with texting me or anything. I can't get her out of my head and I want to try to do everything in my power to get her back. I'm struggling with this no-contact but I am doing it. I'm trying my damnest to act happy and uplifting in front of everyone when, inside, my heart is crying. I miss her so damn much and I'm on my last string of what I can do. I can't change her feelings or what not but I guess what I need right now the most is some kind words. Thanks for reading.



Short Summary:

Met my most recent ex when we were really young. Immediately hit it off then lost contact with each other. She found me on Facebook just this year. We hit it off again immediately so she moved in with me. Spent months together and was the happiest I'd ever been and she was just as equally happy. Eventually, there were problems as expected but I fixed anything she had a problem with. One night, she gets very short tempered with me about something very small. She cries and clings to me, begging not to give up on us. I think about it overnight and I agree that I won't. I love her too much. She started drifting away -- generally being more and more distant. She spends all her time on the computer and her phone -- ignores me completely. Her parents are really struggling with money so they need her to move back with them, get a job and help pay for stuff. She agrees but doesn't want to go at all. One night, she gets drunk and confesses to me that she likes someone else cross-country. After a make-up "session", she posts that the only thing on her mind is him. She leaves but still continues to text me and even goes to lengths to monitor who I'm friending on Facebook. She deletes me from Facebook because I was hanging out with some of her friends who happen to be at a bar I was at. I don't respond. She texts me the next day apologizing. She tells me that I was right about that guy cross-country the whole time. She feels bad about lying. I respond with not regretting the relationship, appreciating her telling me and that I want her to be happy. She responds that she is happy alone and she hopes I am too. She's glad that she could help me get out of my shell. She texts me earlier today hoping I arrived safely in Hawaii. I responded with a simple, "I did. Thanks." I miss her to no end. I think about her all the time. I want her back. So very badly. I'm applying no-contact to the best of my abilities.

[IndiReloaded]

Do you have a Cliff Notes version?

[that one guy]

Do you have a Cliff Notes version?

Ha ha! I really do apologize for the long post but this is the first time I've actually written everything out and I guess I had a lot to say.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, happy to give some feedback but its been a long day and I really can't handle much more than a couple paragraphs ATM.

[that one guy]

Well, happy to give some feedback but its been a long day and I really can't handle much more than a couple paragraphs ATM.

That's alright. I'm as anxious as ever to get some feedback but I'm not about to rush anyone into reading this. I did pour out my heart (as lame as that sounds) into the post so it does cover mostly everything. Next time you're relaxed and have 15 minutes or so, I'd really appreciate it if you could drop a few helpful words of wisdom.

[confusius]

I actually read the whole thing. And why not? Anyway I just want to say that you seem to be doing the right thing by keeping your answers short and letting her be the one to contact you. Give her some space and take some time for yourself to relax. It hasn't been more than a week since you broke up so it make sense you miss her. She could also be missing you and that's why she keeps contacting you. However, this doesn't mean that she wants to get back with you. Based on my own experience, when the break up is still fresh they tent to wonder about your whereabouts, who you are with and things like that. But as time pass they start to stop contacting you and eventually move on.

About the other; It's hard to tell if he really exists. Maybe she is just confused and need sometime to figure things for herself. She certainly loved you and that's why she care.

I know you want to get her back. The best you can do right now it's to take care of yourself and focus on straightening your life. If she keeps contacting be nice and don't show that you care too much. I will recommend that you say on the no contact rule (unless she contacts you) for another 2-3 weeks; then contact her to see what she is up to. That's just what I think.

Good luck to you!

[Purrzzzzzz]

I read the whole thing.. though I dont have any advice, as I am going thru the worst heartbreak of my life myself, I know it helps just to be heard.. and evidently it is a little distracting to listen to someone else's problems.. glad you posted..

[that one guy]

I appreciate everything so far. Anyone else out there? I promise you that I appreciate each and every word.

[IndiReloaded]

FYI - in the past other long posts have included a short summary at the end. Those who want more details will go back and read the long version. You'll get many more responses, esp from the regulars.

[that one guy]

FYI - in the past other long posts have included a short summary at the end. Those who want more details will go back and read the long version. You'll get many more responses, esp from the regulars.

I added the shorter version at the end. I hope this helps as I'm pretty down at the moment.

[IndiReloaded]

Getting over your first love is the hardest. No contact will help, but the most important thing is to realize this is quite normal. Think about all you learned from each other and be thankful for your time together. There will be other loves, none quite so sweet as the first but that's part of the journey.

When you are both recovered (with new partners is usually best), it might be nice to reconnect as adult friends. Lots of people do.

[that one guy]

As stated before, every time I wake up, I reach for my phone in hopes that she texted me. So far, I've woken up to a text from her. She texted me saying how well she's doing on her diet and sticking to it, exercising, etc. How should I respond to this? Should I also tell her about how well my efforts to better myself are going? I may be hurting and positing here about my problems but I have done some pretty big changes that I'm still working on. I'm eating way more healthier, working out and I was recently hired as a paid intern. I apologize about constantly asking for advice but while my head is being rational, my heart is telling me to do some ridiculous things to try and get her back. I know that will just push her away further.

[IndiReloaded]

She's stringing you as her PlanB. There's another guy in another thread that this is happening to. Some girls do this, either knowingly or not. Either way, its to get that emotional rush from knowing the poor slob (i.e. you) still cares.

The best way to handle it is to wait a few days to answer. Don't feed her beast by responding asap. Keep it short, something like "Cool! Congrats." and that's it. Eventually she will go elsewhere for her e-hit.

But, if you are really hurting bad right now then don't respond at all. You need to get over the love hormones and the fastest way to do this is No Contact. Try immediately sending her messages into Trash if you have to.

[that one guy]

She's stringing you as her PlanB. There's another guy in another thread that this is happening to. Some girls do this, either knowingly or not. Either way, its to get that emotional rush from knowing the poor slob (i.e. you) still cares.

The best way to handle it is to wait a few days to answer. Don't feed her beast by responding asap. Keep it short, something like "Cool! Congrats." and that's it. Eventually she will go elsewhere for her e-hit.

But, if you are really hurting bad right now then don't respond at all. You need to get over the love hormones and the fastest way to do this is No Contact. Try immediately sending her messages into Trash if you have to.

I'm not terribly hurt or anything. I still do think about her all the time but the break-up is still pretty fresh as it will be one week tomorrow. I decided to simply text back a, "That's great! Congrats." as per your advice. We'll see if she continues to try and text me.

[DarkHelmet82]

at least shes contacting you dude...