What would you do?

[leftright]

My husband and I can't see eye-to-eye. He said "ask 20 couples and they'll agree with me." That's why I'm here. If I can learn something, or he can learn something from your thoughts, then maybe we'll argue less. I want to hear your opinion about who is "right" in this situation.

Here's the story:

We got into a fight last night. Needing a break, I left (at around 1:30am) to sleep at my office. I didn't leave "angry" (no door slamming, but fed up and hurt). He asked where I was going and I told him. I got dressed, packed a blanket, and left.

The next morning he called me just before 9am, which I didn't answer (heard the phone but went back to sleep/shut the phone off). He sent texts right after saying "I'm at work so you can go home if you want" and another asking where I was. I didn't respond to these.

Once I was up and working, he called/sent texts asking where I was, which I didn't respond to.

Between 9am-12:45pm he called about 8 times/sent 5 texts?

Then after his last call at 12:45, he sent a text saying "You need to respond to me or I'm going to start calling people looking for you."

He called a few minutes after that text, and I answered. I did not want to answer this phone call, but I did, even though I didn't fully believe his "threat" (because I have no "friends" in the sense that I have people I "run to when I'm hurt") but I answered just in case.

I answered the phone and let him steer the conversation, because I had nothing I felt compelled to share at that time (hence the not texting/answering the phone). He brought up the argument from the night before, so I discussed it with him. It was fairly calm but not a "healing" conversation or anything. At some point I felt hurt/disregarded by something and brought up how I "felt bullied into having this conversation" referring to the way he got me to actually answer the phone.

Then it became an argument about that, which basically boils down to two sides:

HIS: "You left in the middle of the night and I was worried about you and wanted to know where you are. Even if you responded saying 'f you' just respond so I know you're ok. If you don't want to talk, that's ok, we don't have to talk."

HERS: I was taking "space" or just letting my mind settle or whatever you want to call it. I wasn't consciously deciding "I'm not ready to talk" but when confronted with a text or phone call, I knew I wasn't ready to talk -- not even to say "I'm ok." I needed time.

And as far as being bullied:

HERS: I felt bullied into talking to you when I didn't want to. You "threatened" me to get what you wanted and it makes me feel like I have no choice in what I want to do -- which was, at the moment, to take a break.

HIS: We owe it to each other because we're married and we care about each other. You should still answer even just to say "I'm ok."

So, I ask you -- what would YOU do? Do you think one person is right or wrong, or more or less fair?

Thoughts??

[ShellyZ]

He's right. You're married, giving him the silent treatment is childish. Learn how to communicate like an adult. It's fine to take some time to cool off during an argument, but it's not OK to ignore your spouse just to punish him. Even if you weren't ready to talk, you could have texted him back to say "I'm not ready to continue the discussion. I'm sleeping at the office tonight, we'll talk when I get home tomorrow." That would have taken 30 seconds and then he would have left you alone.

Now you've got more things to argue about than you did when you walked out last night. Instead of resolving that issue, whatever it was, now you're arguing about how you communicate. Do you see how ignoring him has made it worse? You just created more problems.

[tremolo]

I think you were justified in wanting some space and not wanting to talk to him, however, I think it would have been cool if you had sent him a text letting him know you weren't in the mood to talk but that you were okay and telling him when you thought you'd come home. If I had been him, I would have been very worried that you might not be coming back, or that something had happened to you. I think in a partnership it's important to do just that much, if you really care about someone.

[HeartIsAching]

You're under no obligation to report your whereabouts to him, nor are you required to talk to him if you don't want to.

It would be polite to simply tell him that, but it's only politeness, not something you should have to do.

His constant texts and calls are very controlling, as was his threat (and it really was a threat) to get people to look for you if you didn't do what he wanted.

Your husband is wrong, flatly.

Oh yeah, I'm a man, BTW.

[steviej]

Shellyz hit the nail on the head as far as i'm concerned. Storming off and not speaking is adolescent behaviour, you should both be able to rationally discuss and sort out the issue.

[leftright]

I want to be clear that I didn't storm out. I was calm when I left, but hurt and needed space. I don't feel I was punishing him because anytime he did call or text I didn't look at my phone in anger or annoyance -- I just needed a moment. I didn't want to walk into a situation and make it worse. To some of you, I did do that, and I can understand that. But I just want to be clear that my thought process was never "I'll show you!" I wouldn't have posted this asking for opinions if it was. I genuinely appreciate the opinions too. I think tremolo could see where I was coming from, and I can see how I probably SHOULD have just said "I'm ok." I now see how LOGICALLY, that was a dumb move on my part to not do that. EMOTIONALLY though, I was not trying to punish him. I felt like I was trying to prevent more hurt by removing myself from a situation I wasn't comfortable in, and deal with it later. And I guess that was part of the issue for me (which none of you have to agree on, and I welcome you to tell me why you don't) that I felt pushed into getting into something when I wasn't ready to. (This doesn't include the fact that I SHOULD have just texted saying I was fine.) But I can see how if I HAD texted, he wouldn't have had to threaten/call, etc, but does that make it ok? What do you think? (Basically, he thinks he's showing concern and I end up feeling like I'm being controlled. I'm not saying he ISN'T concerned -- but for me, it didn't COME OFF as concern because I felt my only options where the ones he was offering. And at what point does that become ok. Hope that makes sense.)

[leftright]

But maybe that's the point... maybe my leaving made him feel threatened? I don't know. That wouldn't be ok to either.

[steviej]

You disappear overnight and he has no contact from you... i'd be more bothered if he hadn't made the effort to check you were ok!

Could well have been frustration on his part that you left leaving the matter unresolved when he wanted to sort it out, hence him wanting to talk to you about it.

I still don't get how him wanting to communicate with you is somehow controlling? You have the option to say 'am fine, will talk when i'm ready' or suchlike.

[leftright]

I meant controlling in that it had to be AT THAT minute. Does that make sense? I meant that it was like "talk to me now or I'm calling people." That's what made me feel like I had no options. Would you feel controlled by that? if you wouldn't that's fine, but that's how I felt and I'm trying to understand it.

I didn't disappear. I told him where I was going. I would have been fine had he not contacted me all day and we talked when we were both at home -- but that's merely my preference, just as you have yours. And when I left, he wasn't wanting to sort out the original issue and I left him hanging.

[elleda]

completely agree with ShellyZ and..... i usually take the woman's side! but not in this case.

the only way in which your dramatic behavior and subsequent power trip silent treatment would be acceptable, i think, would be based on WHAT the argument was about and how he was behaving before you left.

- did you TELL HIM clearly that you could NOT talk about it at that moment but would continue the conversation the next day? if you asked him clearly to stop and he wouldn't let up, it was dramatic, but at least somewhat justified.

- IF the disagreement had anything to do with his cheating on you or some other behavior that so disgusted you that you couldn't be in his presence, then yes, justified.

Sorry, but leaving your marital bed in the middle of the night, calmly or not, and sleeping elsewhere without having communicated when you WOULD be ready to talk is really immature and is in some form, emotional abuse.

i'm curious what he did to deserve that treatment??

[vashti]

I'm on your husband's side. Your behavior was very childish. It wouldn't have taken more than a minute to send him a text message telling him you were safe in your office, and would talk to him later that night. It also would have saved yourself from receiving 8 calls over a few hours. You did not play it smart.

[Horseyguy]

I meant controlling in that it had to be AT THAT minute. Does that make sense? I meant that it was like "talk to me now or I'm calling people."

Well I think that was a last resport going on what you posted. He had called you 9+ times and sent a number of texts, all which you ignored. So just maybe at that point he was genuinely freaking out that something had happened to you.

If you had not been so childish and just sent a text back when this started saying you were at the office, you were ok, need some space, talk to you tomorrow etc and none of this would have happened.

Maybe re-ask the question along the lines of "I walked out on a fight with my husband in the middle of the night and didn't tell him where I was going. I still wasn't back by the morning as I decided to sleep at the office. He was trying to get in touch with me because he had no idea where I was so I totally ingnored all his calls and texts because I needed some space, do you think I was unreasonable?"

And I will add the only person I see here being controlling is you, he was just freaking out.

Hell I'd be calling the police if my partner went off in the middle of the night, didn't come back again and was not responding to calls or texts the next morning

[elleda]

am i a hypocrite or what? i just posted seeking advice about myself in a similar (but DIFFERENT!) situation :/

[leftright]

horsey -- I did tell him where I was going. I mentioned that in my original post.

Had I NOT told him, then I wouldn't have waited to talk to him.

Don't worry, everyone. I get that I SHOULD have texted to tell him I was ok and left it at that because the rest wouldn't have happened.

[doppelgaenger]

You're lucky he called and gives a damn that you're all right. If it was me, I'd change the locks on all the doors.