I messed up and I feel guilty.

[hunter1]

I cheated on my bf while he was out of town this weekend. I went to a party, I was drunk, I smoked some stuff I should have smoked.
I'm not a kid.. I'm a grown woman who knows better than this.
My bf and I've been dating for 2 years.
One of his "close" friends.. starting hitting on me after everyone left the party. We ended up making out, I stopped him several times.
But I didn't put a stop to it over all. We would have had actual sexual intercourse if he hadn't have prematurely ejaculated.
I feel like crap. This is someone that we have to see all the time.

I was so out of my mind from what I had smoked and drank...I knew it was wrong but I felt like I had no control over myself.

Lately my bf has been so distant sexually and I feel like I have to beg him for sex. I feel like this is partly because I'm desparate for attention or sex?? Am I so desparate that I can't tell a guy no? What is wrong with me??

I feel like that makes me a tramp. I'm really at my peak sexually. I can't help that!
I'm at war with myself. My emotions are crap. I sure the friend couldn't care less. He was just concerned that we didn't speak of this again. Yeh, I agree!!
It's not worth losing my bf over at all. I love him but I don't know what to do.
I know that telling him is stupid. That's only a bandaid for my own guilt.
Any suggestions or help me get my head straight on this.
I feel like the lowest of low. I swore to never cheat on him. We've been together for 2 years. I need a shrink now.

[oldskool83]

yeah u ****ed up, either keep it a secript forever cuz if not your burned 2 years of 2 peoples time, friends and everything else....go buy a vibrator.

[Petit Papillon]

You shouldn't get wasted like a wild pig in the first place ... What do you want us to say? There's nothing that we could say to make you feel better. At best go to your bf and tell him that you cheated but dont say the guys name... Or actually tell him to make your bf find out not only that his gf clearly can't keep her pussy closed , but also that his friend is a ****ing asshole and is not his friend in reality .

[hunter1]

I am not sure that telling my bf would serve any purpose except to create a huge rift between him and his so called friend. I actually think that he and I could come out of this. It would take time to build our trust back but he's a good man. And he knows that I do love him. I'm heartsick with the guilt.
When I was with my ex... we had an open relationship for 15 years. I can only examine my motives in this. Maybe I'm mentally screwed up.
Yeh, I know.. I knew better than to put myself in a position that I should not have been in. Number 1 rule.. don't be there.

I think that a lot of this has to do with me and my feelings. I'm messed up. What kind of person says they love someone but lets another man touch her? Sigh. I just don't know. If I really thought that this would never come out..... I'd not say a word to my bf. Mostly to spare him but also to spare myself the pain of having to face his disappointment in me.
But.. I know that eventually at some point, it will be mentioned or something will come up. I'd rather admit it to him now that let it come back to haunt me.
Men are jerks and will use this to brag or whatever they do. To this guy, I was just someone to be with. To me, it was less than nothing but hurt my soul to the core.

If I could go back and erase it, I would.
I never once encouraged this person at all. He kept at me. Being that drunk and stoned, I'm not sure I could have controlled the situation at all.

That doesn't help. I know.

[davedlt]

I will do my best to help you...

What seems to have gone on/going on for you is that you have conflicting desires which are surfacing in a battle. So on one hand you like the security of having a bf for 2 years and how he has been there for you all this time and so it is a safe bet that he will always be there for you, but on the other hand you don't like that he is sexually distant and that has made you want to have the freedom of having sex the way you want with who you want and not have your sex life depend on him. These two conflicting desires are surfacing and when you exercise the freedom, the part of you which wants the security of the relationship comes up and tells you that that is bad and detrimental to the relationship. So it feels like a no win because of this conflict.

Perhaps one thing which might give you hope is to know that - a lot of the stress which I have seen people have over their relationship problems is that they believe that they can do something bad, and that will put a kind of permanent blow to their relationship. Like if they cheat on their partner, their relationship will never be the same again for ever or at least for a long time because of it. But I have never found that to be true. So basically I have seen over and over again helping people with their relationships, that there is no such thing as a problem which can't in some way be instantly fixed and the problem has no more influence in the relationship, or the relationship life of the people. So understand that even though this situation might seem like a long term blow or trap, it is not. You could keep it that way if you believe that it is, but it does not have to be.

To fix the problem, first understand that it is not going to be fixed by doing something like telling him or not telling him or anything like that. It is going to be fixed by you sorting out the stuff in your mind. So it is going to take a change of focus from trying to smooth things over with your bf, to focusing on smoothing things over in your mind. To resolve the conflict, get yourself to the point where you love yourself enough to know that you deserve both the security and the freedom. When you build up your self-esteem to this point you will no longer believe that you have to sacrifice one for the other. That you can have them both at once. But this will only come from loving yourself. So focus your mind on loving yourself. When you love yourself to this level and so you no longer have guilt around the situation, the right thing to do will be clear to you and the situation will work out in the best way for you.

I hope that helps.

Dave.

[hunter1]

Dave, thank you very much for responding. I will contemplate on what you wrote!!

[Nicholas_V]

Ok - first, I agree that it is highly unlikely that you will be able to keep this under the carpet forever. And not necessarily because men "brag" - simply because nothing stays hidden under the sun. In all likelihood, something random will happen and he will find out. If he finds out this way, it is way worse than if you come clean with him before. So yes, I think you should tell him, not only for the sake of your sanity but also because it is the decent thing to do and he deserves that much.

And that takes us to number 2: if you two are so close, why were you out with his friend and not with him? I mean, sure couples go out separately sometimes, but if this happens too often it may say something else about the relationship that you two have.

Third, see thread "is sex important in a relationship " (or similar) - the overwhelming consensus is "yes, it is". If you two are so far apart in terms of sexual drive, you will eventually be tempted again. I don't think it was alchohol or drugs that made you act this way - they may have helped to relax your moral constraints, but at the end of the day, if you were happy with your sexual life you wouldn't have to seek for it elsewhere.

So time for reflection for you I think.

[hunter1]

I was out with a group of friends. My bf was out of town. We all went over to a friend's house to hang out. Then little by little everyone left. I should have left immediately.
I've decided not to tell him right now.
I need to examine my own actions and decide what is going on with me.

Eventually it will come out. I know. Reflection in progress.