Is this cheating? You be the judge! (this is just an innocent debate)

[MrE]

Here's a situation a friend and I were debating, and I just wanted to get your thoughts - you guys are the third-party ref to resolve this debate I'm not going to tell you which side I'm on -

Here's the situation -

Say we have a married couple. The husband (or wife, we will just say husband because that is inconsequential) meets somebody through a friend (or whatever). The husband has a secret relationship with this person for about a year before his wife finds out. During the secret relationship absolutely nothing physical happens (no sex or kissing), but they have grown close, they had to consciously set boundries because there was sexual tension. The secret couple has discussed marriage issues between him and his wife, let's say they even talked about going on a secret trip together or something, and they even went on dates alone together but keep in mind during this whole time nothing physical happened because of the boundries.

So, one person here is saying it is cheating because there is more than just a friendship, they have secrets going on behind the wife's back (such as the trip, the dates, etc), the relationship itself was a secret, etc. So one person is saying that it's emotional cheating.

The other person here is saying that it is not cheating because boundries were set, and though it is really messed up and the wife has every right to be upset because it went on behind her back, the fact of the matter is that it never really went far enough to qualify as "cheating". The trip was talked about, but it never happened, so it's messed up because it was a secret, but it's not 'cheating'.

What are your thoughts? FYI, I posted this in off-topic because I'm not actually looking for advice, just gathering thoughts - not sure if this is the right place to post this or not?

[oldskool83]

the person you care about going on a trip and they not knowing is a form on cheating, it does not matter if it emional support only. this is what the telliphone or friends are for in peson, no trips.

id never do it, no way, somones gonna still get hurt and being hurt in the the same regaurdless of how the person was hurt.

[girl68]

Absolutely 100% cheating in my book. Label it what you want but this most certainly falls under the "cheating umbrella". Yes, I would agree it is an emotional affair which is still cheating. So often you see physical affairs that have no feelings involved and we still call that cheating well IMO the reverse is also true.

Oh and this applies to any COUPLE, not just couples who are married.

[qwertz]

Yep, its cheating. He's having an emotional affair.

[maxmax]

To many people emotionally intimacy with someone else = cheating

In some ways, it can be harder to get over than a physical encounter.

[Petit Papillon]

If I were the wife, I wouldn't be pissed off at my husband and I wouldn't accept such behaviour at all. Therefore - cheating.

[Wakeup]

The Secret couple have totally disrespected their primary relationships and they have become emotionally involved with one another to the point that they are discussing secret trips and are having secret dates behind the primary partner(s) back(s).

My question: If it's NOT cheating then why all the secrecy? Why not just tell the SO you'lre going on a date, a trip, a weekend getaway with the secret partner? These secret partners may have made up boundaries for their clantdestine relationship but they crossed huge relationships boundaries with their SO's.

When your romantic thoughts, time, and emotions are being taken up by someone other than your significant other, and those actions are taking away romantic thoughts, time and emotions from your primary partner then yes, you are cheating on your partner. It's a betrayal to the one you vowed to be committed to and to forsake all others for.

[Lipp]

Emotional cheating is still cheating.

Actually, a good point was brought up - that this is worse than physical cheating. If its physical lack that causes it, some exercise, play and initiative can go a long way. But if it's emotional it's game over in many cases.

[Cerby]

They key word in there is "secret". The secret couple is keeping it a secret from the wife, spending time together, making boundaries simply because they know there is a likeliness something might happen.

Yes, this is cheating. Just because they haven't f*cked doesn't mean that his mind isn't with her.

[Bonfire]

Yes it's cheating. They are having a relationship behind the wife's back. Relationship isn't strictly limited to sexual.

[Wakeup]

But if you tell your partner and they know nothing is going on, it isn't cheating. You aren't engaging in anything if you're just friends.

Yea, well have fun trying to find a partner that would be perfectly fine with you going out on dates and trips with your opposite sex friend while they aren't included in.

[Vert]

Yea, well have fun trying to find a partner that would be perfectly fine with you going out on dates and trips with your opposite sex friend while they aren't included in.

Great point! i do consider it as cheating myself

[HeartIsAching]

Yes, it's cheating. It's actually in my book worse than physical cheating - it's an emotional entanglement and is not fair to the spouses of either one.

Additionally, the cheater in the relationship thought it was cheating as well, that's why they hid the relationship. They're just double-talking now to try and stay out of trouble.

[bluesummer]

I would be more hurt knowing my partner had feelings for someone even if he didn't sleept with her, than if he slept with her and had no feelings for her. Honestly. I'd still turf him, but the emotional cheating hurts far more. Been there.

[Deeza07]

Definitely cheating - you just described my marriage. My ex did all those things with another married woman. To me, to be emotionally attached to another woman outside the marriage is worse than it being just sex...so, yes, definitely cheating.