Long term problem, please help

[tbwco]

I didn't know where to post this but I've always gotten good advice in this forum and I am hoping someone here can help me with what I feel is a problem that will probably make me sound strange and unusual.

My problem began when I was 16 years old. I met a girl who was two years younger than me and we dated for several months. I absolutely loved this girl, she was the first person I ever said that to and definitely the first person I really felt that for. Out of the blue, she wanted to "be friends" and just broke up with me. At the time, I didn't understand. What did I do wrong, I would ask myself? What's wrong with me as compared to other guys? I would come to learn that as young people, those things just happen. But it still didn't sink into me that way. It took me YEARS to be able to get past it and it was a constant, daily struggle. I didn't know whether to blame that on my parents for not preparing me for something like that, to blame it on myself for not being "normal" or to blame it on another factor.

Through this girl, I met my future wife, who I am still married to and have been with for 13 1/2 years now. She was a friend of a friend of my ex-girlfriend and she started out as someone I just talked to, mainly about my ex. If anyone knows how I felt about her, it was her. Over the years, my love for the woman who would become my wife grew and the other girl became a distant memory, although I thought about her from time to time.

My ex girlfriend is now married with 3 kids. I am now 31 years old. My problem is, my wife recently started hanging out with this old group of friends and lo and behold, my ex girlfriend is in that mix as a friend of her friends. Now, it seems like they want to hang out once a week with all the husbands and it is extremely uncomfortable for me. I have begun to make excuses why I can't go, etc. Plus, when her and I are around each other, we don't say one single word to each other, not even a hello. It's not fun. I'm fairly certain her husband isn't aware of our past and I think she is trying to keep it that way.

My wife knows why I don't want to hang out with them all together but she says the reason why I'm uncomfortable is because I still have feelings for her, which I don't even deny. My wife is very understanding of those feelings, saying it doesn't bother her and that she wouldn't know me if it wasn't for her. I love the fact that she has reconnected with her old friends, but it makes me uncomfortable that she is suddenly around this girl more and more, someone who never really was her friend, more of just an acquaintance. When they are together, my wife reports that my ex asks about me a lot, probably more than would be common. My wife feels that she is still hung up on all the old feelings as well.

I can honestly say I've never felt about my wife the way I did when I was a 16 year old kid with my ex girlfriend. Is that normal? Should I seek some form of counseling? I love my wife, don't get me wrong, but I want her to respect my feelings about this girl. Is that reasonable? I am fine as long as this girl is out of sight, out of mind, so to speak. But if I see her, if I'm around her, all those old feelings and memories come back and it is so hard. I am very down on myself because I can't "get past it" and move on, but it's clear that after 15 years, it's not going to happen.

What would you suggest? Should I do my best to stay away from her or if I am around her, how should I act? What should I say? I know to be the "bigger person" would just be to put my feelings aside and say hello or whatever, but I've always felt that my thoughts of our relationship didn't match hers. I've always felt that I wasn't "good enough" for her and I think that's what crushes me more than anything. She was my world, even though we were young. I am a person who hasn't experienced many real relationships and after her and I broke up, I was never the same.

I would love to hear from anyone who has any words to help me. I also thank you in advance for taking the time to read my story.

[tremolo]

I am sorry that experience was so damaging for you. I can imagine that if you have only been in two relationships, then being rejected by the ex would still sting, as that might be the only rejection you've ever experienced? I'm also sorry you're in the position now of having to face the ex, and that this is so hard for you. I think that given your feelings for her, it would be wise for you to stay away from her. It might not also hurt for your wife to as well. There is of course the possibility that if you were to spend time around your ex, you would come to terms with what is likely the reality that, after all this time, you may not even be attracted to/think so much of her anymore - but in the event that doesn't happen, continuing to be around her might imperil your marriage. I think it's wise for you to take some measures to get over your hang-up about that specific rejection. You should really learn to understand - and this is hard for me as well - that when someone chooses not to be with you anymore, it's not always a reflection on you. I know I let go of some great men in the past for stupid reasons - and some men have equally stupidly let go of me. Do your best not to take it so hard - particularly, as it was a LONG time ago.

[confusius]

I think you need professional counseling.

I'm really sorry about your situation. it must be very hard.

Best,

[flynhayn]

I agree with confusius.... the only reason being is you need closure to this thing, and I'm not sure if you're going the be able to get it from the ex. If there is a way to safely talk to her about it then I would say that's the #1 way to go.... It would get rid of the tension you have towards her. But if that's not an option, then getting professional help is the next best thing.