Long term mess

[confused_soul]

We met in college and fell in love. After 2 years of being very happy together, we graduated. We found jobs but she moved to another city and found it very toug to deal with a new place and an unsupportive boss. Soon, in about 4-5 months, she went into depression and started acting very moody and mean.

In the meanwhile, I was having a tough time with my new job, with long hours but enjoying the work. She would call me constantly at all times and get very angry at me if I couldn't talk to her. She asked me often to choose between my job and her and I told her that wasnt a fair choice. I would visit her often, but things would get worse everytime I would come back.

I helped her find a job in the same city where I was and she started to settle down and seemed happier. After a year's time she found the job to be annoying and the fact I got even busier even more annoying. She kept fihgintg with me and told me how i was a workaholic. She felt that I was moving up in my career while she was wasting her time. She quit her job and moved to Germany to pursue a PhD. I supported her and started looking for a job in Germany even though i didnt want to move there.

In 3 months time she again didnt like Germany and got a banking job in England and moved there. Once again, she started finding that she was still at a relatively junior role while I had by then started making serious progress and money.She constantly compared herself with others, and while she was actually doing extremely well (making upwards to $120K) she would keep brining herself down. I agreed to move to London and find a job there in a years' time.

During all of this, i.e. the total 5 years in this relationship, we've spent the last 3 dealing with her career + depression issues and in the last 1 year I told her that I couldnt do the "supporting boyfriend" thing anymore because it had just gotten too much and I never signed up for it. She was a beautiful confident woman when we starting going out and had turned into a moody, underconfident, and overweight (she took to food during all her problems) lady in 4 years

We again fought last week about her problems and I told her I wont move to London because I cannot give up a great career for a relationship which is on the brink. And I also told her that her weight issues really botherred me and she needs to lose the flab.

Am I an ass for saying this? I really get put off by the fact she has gained so much weight and is always cribbing about her life. What should i do??? I feel like I have invested 5 years and if I break up now it will be a waste. but i cant be in a relationship by a neurotic person. I feel that at 26 years of age, she should take far more care of herself....

help!

[all alone]

Yeah, it sounds like she has a lot of issues to deal with and hasn't been able to address them as of yet. It doesn't sound as if some elements of your personality are compatible together. For example, you both seem like ambitious personalities however she seems hard to please in terms of her career despite earning a very large salary.. makes me suspect there is a lot more going on there in her head, like this constant need to meet whatever criteria she has set up for herself and can't learn to compromise. Slightly disturbing..

Also, perhaps you don't mind working so much (or just accept that you can afford to at a young age) but her views of the matter is a large difference and hurdle because of it. I don't think your an ass for saying this simply because these are serious issues which need to be addressed in your relationship going forward. Sounds like she needs to get her own act together by seeking professional help or what not if you guys are to pursue this relationship and also discuss other hurdles such as your careers and social expectations of the relationship.

[Agape]

Am I an ass for saying this? I really get put off by the fact she has gained so much weight and is always cribbing about her life. What should i do??? I feel like I have invested 5 years and if I break up now it will be a waste. but i cant be in a relationship by a neurotic person. I feel that at 26 years of age, she should take far more care of herself....

help!

What's worse. . . continue on with this and not do anything about it . . . or try to do something about this even if that means ending the relationship?

Before people get into relationships they should be able to take care of themselves, if she can't even do that then you shouldn't have to pick up the slack . . . I'd say move and find a non-neurotic girl

[damselindistres]

Funny how people always say things like " i have invested XX years in this relationship, it will be a waste to break up blah blah blah" C'mon, as if if you do not got into a relationship, your time will stand still, you'll be 25 for the next 5 years!!

Not all relationship works and that is why you need to let go at the right time and move on, wasting 5 years is still better than wasting 15 years..25 years...

[MerryH]

We again fought last week about her problems and I told her I wont move to London because I cannot give up a great career for a relationship which is on the brink. And I also told her that her weight issues really botherred me and she needs to lose the flab.

Am I an ass for saying this?

Yeah, you're an ass for bringing up her weight issues during a fight about something else. It's a sensitive subject, and if you bring it up at all, it should be in a supportive way, not when you're getting mad at her for something else. If you did this, you should apologize.

That said, you wouldn't be wrong for ending it with her.